Friday, October 30, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Baron's Philosophical Question of the Day

How dead of a celebrity can you dress up as for Halloween and still be borderline inappropriate yet also cheeky?

Just a hypothetical question.

Also how drunk could The Ba....I mean you be.......in theory?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Baron's Educational Forum: How To Not Look Like A Retard: 3 Common Word Mistakes

Today The Baron would like to provide a valuable educational forum to try and keep his readers from committing language mistakes that make them look like fucking cretins. The 2 words and one phrase The Baron has chosen today are nearly always used improperly and will make people think you're a simpering ape.

1. Expresso

Jesus dinosaur raping christ! The Baron feels like this word is always used incorrectly and especially by assholes. Here's the real spelling:

E
Spresso

See that "s"? Yeah that's how it's supposed to look. Fuckheads confuse the English word "express" with the Italian word "espresso" meaning pressed coffee. See? It has nothing to do with being fast or having a lot of caffeine (actually espresso has less caffeine than traditionally brewed coffee) so anyone who uses this bastardization is doubly retarded.


2. Electrocute

The Baron realizes that even a little shitfaced six year old can pronounce this word, but that's not the problem in this case. What is a problem is that people seem to have no fucking idea what it actually means even though it's all but spelled out in the fucking word itself! Most plebes believe that this word means to shock. My, my are you a retard if you think that. This word is actually a combination of two others (unlike the previous example). Do any of its components look familiar to you?

Electricity ( a term implying the passage of energy by charge movement)

Execute (a term indicating that a person is to be killed)

Electro-cute TADA!!!!!! To KILL with electrical current!

Well howdy-fucking do who would have thought that this one means exactly what it says it does.

3. Picked my interest

Holy shit is that ever wrong. How can you pick interest? Can you stick your finger inside your head and touch an abstract concept evolved from wet sacks of salt sending electrical signals to each other? If you can, you're probably some sort of dangerous mutant and must be eradicated.

Let The Baron enlighten you, the phrase is "piqued my interest". See that funny, kind of French looking word at the beginning? Well guess what? It is a French word meaning to arouse....as in your interest. Do you really, really hate the frogs and not want to use their language? Well then say it has aroused your interest because if you use pick instead, you'll look like a total douchebag, unless you're talking to a total douchebag who also doesn't know the difference.

Well there you have it. Now stop saying this kind of shit in front of The Baron or he'll shove a stoat up your ass.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Baron is Really Hurting Today : Brief Thoughts

As The Baron slowly recovers from self-induced weekend poisoning, he likes to reflect on the annoying little things he sees from time to time in his travels:


If you see a high school kid carrying a football around should you run up and try and slap it away? The coach wants him to work on his hands right?

A) You should always attempt to free the ball.
B) Only if you're of the same race.
C) Especially if you're the same race.
D) Especially if you're not the same race (to make it either more or less embarrassing).
E) All of the above.


What is an appropriate noise to make when a fat lady is about to sit on you on a train with too narrow seats?

A) A grunt of displeasure.
B) A grunt of surprise.
C) A grunt of lust.
D) A rumbling, frustrated, but resigned bellow.
E) "Is that free ham outside of the train?"


A hobo is making obnoxious comments and desperately trying to get a reaction out of someone so that he can launch into a tirade. What do you do?

A) Sit silently pretending to look at something with intense interest.
B) Get off at the next stop and get back on another car.
C) Preempt the hobo by viciously accosting the weakest looking person on the train.
D) A grunt of lust.
E) Pretend to have a heart attack, shitting and pissing yourself for effect.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Baron Heard The Most Obnoxious Conversation Ever This Morning On The Train

So The Baron was sitting on the train this morning, scowling and glaring at strangers when a pair of asstards sat down next to him. Mind you there were plenty of open seats. One dickbag sat a seat away, the other dick bag looked around for a while and then basically sat in The Baron's lap.

Now The Baron understands that from time to time, random women are going to feel irresistible urges to take his lap for a ride. But
douchey men?! Obviously The Baron's ire was at near explosive levels at this point.

And then....and then, the conversation.....

(In loud, unbelievably
prickish voices)

Assholefaced-cretin : So did you talk to Steph this weekend?

Butthole-covered cum enrusted assmaster: Yeah she kept complaining about having to go back to Yale.

Assholefaced-cretin: I can totally understand, Yale is a shithole. Why couldn't she get into Berkley?

Butthole-covered cum enrusted assmaster: I know, totally. I mean it's not as nice there as in Santa Monica but at least there aren't as many Mexicans. But anyway I told her that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

(chortling laughter) ((also both were wearing suits and one had a hiking backpack on.)) (((The Baron despises hiking backpacks they are for elephant-
handjob-technicians)))

The Baron was literally shitting with a mixture or rage, contempt and blood lust at this point. He has heard some pretty awful
douchebag conversations in his day, but this one took the cake for a number of reasons:

1. Both of these cock-mongers resembled Spencer "The Otter
Fister" Pratt.
2. The hiking backpack previously mentioned.
3. The suits.
4. The sound of their goddamn asshole voices, like an episode of
Laguna Beach.
5. Mentions of California being superior. Literally every white person wishes they lived there.
6. Guess who's on the train at 630AM along with The Baron. Mexicans. Literally just The Baron and a bunch of Mexicans on their way to work. Anyone with half a brain could see that we were the only three non-
hispanics on the train. The Baron's close proximity to these meat-piles made him nervous that there would be some guilt by association.

There you have it. Fucking
cockbags ruining The Baron's commute yet again.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

2 Types of Car Accidents That Are Gender Specific

Male: The synchronized slam into an overpass support column at 120 miles an hour: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/2007/10/at_least_one_de.html

This news story is always titled "police suspect racing led to fatal accident". Give The Baron a fucking break! When a pair of cars simultaneously momentum-fuck a thick slab of concrete at the maximum speed of a souped up Toyota shit box there can be no question as to whether there was racing going on. This is the classic male accident type the "There's a pedal for slowing down now!!??". For some reason, young males, especially scumbags, have an instinctual need to reduce themselves to a chunky red goo oozing out of a space which is seemingly too small to contain an entire person. In the olden days this usually involved a thresher / bronco / stage coach accident. Now we have the modern convenience of multiple ton, high velocity gooification machines, otherwise known as cars. No female has ever been the driver in one of these accidents, or for that matter the passenger, because when you're racing for the recognition of your 6 dicktard friends, you don't want some huge flappy vag slowing you down.



Female: The drive off the roof of a parking garage: http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/06/was_springfield_garage_from_wh.html

Here's another popular news story "car lands upside down after parking garage plunge." What happens is the driver forgets that the car is in reverse or that the car is in forward or which pedal is the brake and which is the gas, or a combination of one or two with three. This is a classically female accident because of a sad phenomenon The Baron likes to call the "Why the fuck are you driving an automatic car using both feet!!??" Literally the only way you can accidentally hit the wrong pedal is if you keep your left foot on the brake and right foot on the gas. This is goat-fuckingly wrong and yet an infuriatingly large number of women drive this way. What's worse is when you point out how stupid this is, they say something like "Whatever....what's the worst that could happen?".


P.S. If you read the story, you'll see that the police were trying to blame the parking garage. You're going away for a long time you goddamn parking structure!!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Hills Automaton Stephanie Pratt Arrested For Alleged DUI

Bwahahahahahhaha!!!

That's how hard The Baron would have laughed at the above mentioned news story if it wasn't for two key factors.

1) Despite the fact that SP was arrested for attempted attempted murder she will literally face no consequences for her actions. The Baron would be surprised if the police didn't start killing all the eyewitnesses who saw her being detained so that they can later deny it ever happened. The Baron is also offended that they used the word "star". People who "act" on "The Hills" are not the stars of anything, they are duchetards and duchetardettes, nothing more.

2) Dear old Steph was not arrested for a DUI.........she was arrested for Spontaneous Vaginal Singularity Formation (SVSF). This highly dangerous condition occurs when a young, airheaded meatpile become so convinced of her/his own superiority that they launch a vicious tirade of tweets at such a tremendous density that they initiate a black hole in their cavernous snooters/buttholes. This causes a dangerous situation requiring the quarantining of the affected dick-bag/bagette. Basically, the police were forced to isolate Ms.Pratt and cram desk chairs, basketballs and perhaps coffee tables into her gaping void to try and satiate her voracious hole.

It's only a matter of time before her brother, Satan Pratt develops a world ending SVSF and pulls everyone, including himself, deep inside his tremendous anus.
and / or

Friday, October 16, 2009

Things The Baron Hates: Wheely Bags Anywhere But At The Airport Or On The Way To The Airport

As you may now know, The Baron has a healthy hatred of anything and anyone that hinders his travels in even the slightest way. Wheely bag users are no exception.

The Baron remembers a time when people had to lug classic style suitcases through the airport check in lines. He remembers that it sucked sloppy, uncircumcised weiner. Therefore, The Baron was not at all displeased with the addition of wheels to nearly every suitcase starting in about 1997.

The Baron often wonders what the fuck took the suitcase magnates so goddamn long to think that something heavy and cumbersome might work better if it had wheels. It worked for cars, lawnmowers, bikes, trains, planes, wheelbarrows, oxcarts.....are you retarded Samsonite?

However, the fact that The Baron enjoys not having to carry the full weight of a suitcase does not mean that he universally likes rolly bags. In fact, in the vast majority of situations, The Baron hates the ever loving shit out of them.

Example:

1. You're a mouth breathing, goat fondling assmaster. You're on a train. It's crowded. You have a backpack. It barely weighs enough to stifle an infant. Yet...Yet...you have some stupid, pansy assed handle extended and you're wheeling it around on the floor like it's full of lead bricks. Also, you're standing in the doorway blocking the egress of The Baron and some other filthy barely sentient plebes. You should be thrown in the rapeosaurus pit you cockbag!

2. You're walking down a narrow sidewalk on let's say Charles St, right in front of the Beacon Hill Pub (one time The Baron's Brubaker tasted like clams there), you're heading all the way to the common. You're a lady no doubt. You're dragging a large corduroy suitcase that looks like it could safely fit a brace of mummies inside. For some fucking reason your legs are broken and each step is labored and slow. The Baron and a herd of ape-sheep are on their way to work. You're in the fucking way and you know it. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU CUM-GLAZED BABY FACTORY!!!

3. It's night time. The Baron's palace abuts a brick sidewalk. For some goddamn reason the city thinks bricks are classy and puts them everywhere. In the winter they are unplowable and become caked with ice. The city expects you to buy a fucking dump truck full of salt and clear it yourself. Yet, you have no say in what material it was paved in. The Baron digresses. Ummm, ah yes. A group of people, let's call them shit-dicks, are rolling down the sidewalk like a pack of saddlebacked mules dragging ore carts. The little fucking wheels are making a godawful racket. The Baron is roused from his couch nap and rushes out to accost you. He is naked and wielding an 8$ Ocean State Job Lot wrecking bar. The Baron savagely bludgeons your group to death in a mist of blood, bone chips and frothing saliva. Also he is really, really naked. This somehow makes The Baron a criminal....

The Baron thinks those examples should be sufficient to make you see why wheely suitcases, like cellphones, are more hassle than they're worth and should be made illegal. Now if you'll excuse The Baron, he needs to pick out a formal cod piece for court.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Is The Baron The Only One Who Realizes The Beastie Boys Suck Ass?

Why does no one seem to notice how much the Beastie Boys suck? The Baron has been wondering about this for a number of years and just can't seem to decipher the mystery.

Firstly, allow The Baron to explain why they blow 6-foot long whale dick. It's actually a very concise argument. Well gentle reader, The Baron hates The BB because all of their songs are exactly the same!

For example:

First one of us says something, then we all say something.
Then another one of us says something then we all say something.
Doth a third person says something, then we all say something.

repeat at least 3 times.

The Baron has even written a short expression which describes how this god awful ear-smegma is created in the first place:

Let n = a member of the BB
For n = 1-4

Singer =
nw
Chorus =
nx+ny+nz

Next n
loop.

That may have been the most boring thing The Baron has ever posted on his glorious thousand year blog. And that, dear readers, should tell you something.

The
Beastie Boys are boring, uncreative sacks of shit and their songs could just have easily been written by bunch of rats tied to a keyboard.

Pray that Lord
Chesney will show no mercy to these talentless hacks.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The NCAA Can Cut The Shit!

The Baron is sick and tired of these fucking commercials the NCAA puts on during college football and basketball games.

You know the ones The Baron is talking about the:

"I'm an athlete and blah, blah blah, I have a retarded name like Hope Solo or Squirty Tits Flaherty but I'm a student first blah blah blah."

"The NCAA would like to point out that college classes for D1 athletes are not a joke and every bit as rigorous as every other student's curriculum at NCAA schools."

Well it's time for the NCAA to cut the fucking shit because no one is buying their cum soaked lies.

First of all, let's read into where the decide to place these ads. During college football and basketball games and at almost no other time. And why might you ask would we, the viewing public be suspicious of the fact that every player on both of these teams, at schools known for sports and nothing else, is an honor student, or a straight A student, even though they spend 12 hours a day practicing?

My, oh my NCAA that must mean you're thinking exactly what The Baron is thinking, that a football player cannot be at a near NFL level of mastery and still have the time to take real classes. Try watching an interview with one of these so called students and you will hear 4 syllable words, words that aren't words like "sticktoitiveness" and grammar that would embarrass a 2nd grader.

So you know what NCAA? Cut the fucking shit. We know these athletes are coddled and given joke classes like the history of jazz and communications so that they can keep on playing college sports. Don't think for one minute that The Baron is fooled. These are professional athletes bringing millions of dollars into the school's coffers, the only difference is that you're not paying them.

Quite a scheme NCAA, quite a scheme....

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Thursday, October 8, 2009

4 Ways Being Pregnant is the Same Thing as Having Worms

The Baron was watching mythbusters, the best show on television the other night when he noticed something highly disturbing. Kari Byron aka The Baron's most coveted #002 is pregnant! The Baron spat out an entire liter of vodka when he saw her glorious tummy bulging under the pressure of a mammalian parasite. Many many questions came to mind. Questions such as, how did she get pregnant when The Baron hasn't been to California in 2 years? After hours of speculation concerning accidentally busting in pre-addressed envelopes and packages The Baron came to the conclusion that his sperm used quantum entanglement to reach Kari without his knowledge. It's really the only option that makes sense.

Furthermore, The Baron would like to expand on this parasite angle by informing everyone of 4 ways that being pregnant is no better than having intestinal worms or lice.

1. Feeding on blood: Babies are connected to their mother by a disgusting heap of blood vessels know as the placenta. This proboscis of sorts, allows the fetus to feed on the host's blood at will, thus robbing her of all the choicest nutrients.

Parasite equivalent: You name it, although The Baron thinks crotch crickets are particularly appropriate. Crabs are pretty much the only way that getting your groin sucked could possibly be a bad thing.

2. Fattening the host: The fetus sends powerful chemical signals through its placenta to the mother which cause her to crave certain types of foods which the baby requires to complete its pupal stage. This combined with the societal more that preggo ladies should eat their faces off combines to pack on an often irreversible 26 pounds on average. Now, the baby itself needs barely any energy at roughly 50,000 calories for a healthy, full term fetus. That boils down to about 185 calories a day. Those 26 pounds of fat weigh in at a staggering 91,000 calories meaning that in addition to a normal 2,185 calorie diet to maintain the mother and parasite, she's eating an extra 150 calories a day! Slow it down ladies!

Parasite equivalent: Lymphatic filariasis e.g elephantism. Blech these gross little fuckers make you fat for a different reason but still look at how fucking gross that is!

3. Behavioral modification: See the food cravings above and add that the fetus and its awful, awful placenta become the primary source of many hormones during pregnancy effectively controlling the mother's mood, appetite, and physiological parameters. In fact, post partum depression is thought to be caused by the sudden withdrawal of fetal hormones. So the next time you're thinking of drowning your baby remember that it is their fault you feel like shit (also you're probably a crazy bitch).

Parasite equivalent: Toxoplasma gondii. You get this shit from cats usually, and they get it from rats. It needs to be in the gut of a feline to reproduce. And how do you think it gets there? Why mind control of course! When rats are infected it goes straight to their brain and inhibits their fear of light and of open spaces and also of cats. So those poor fucking rodents walk right up to Mr.Whiskerton ready to be eaten, and eaten they are. Then captain pussy pants shits all over your house and infects you. 33% of people are infected with toxoplasma. Does it go straight to your brain? You bet. No behavioral side effects have yet been documented, and it is thought that the parasite is in fact beneficial and of great value to the huuu-mohn race (winking in an awkward and disquieting manner)......

4. Immune system suppression: Here's the kicker. If not for a slew of devious tricks perpetrated by the deeply embedded fetus, the mother's body would recognize it as foreign and attack it mercilessly. Problem solved though. Those little bastards make an insidious stew of immuno-suppressive chemicals to prevent the host body from attacking them. These render the mother prone to reactivation of latent infections which can have a regular old block party now that the immune police are drunk on baby juice and crashing their squad cells into storefronts and orphanages.

Parasite equivalent: Malaria. Ever wondered why a shit ton of people have malaria and they never seem to become immune to it over time? Yo. This little bastard actively suppresses the host immune system as well. This allows it to form latent infection in the liver and also to continue reinfecting anyone unfortunate enough to get proboscis raped by a hungry mosquito.

Well, there you have it. Still want to get knocked up? The Baron didn't think so.....

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Most Serious Human Rights Violation of All Time

The Baron would like to be serious for a moment. Please remove your hats and stop masturbating for a few minutes (really just slow it down to a maintenance speed until The Baron is done).

The most egregious raping of human liberty in the history of the world is taking place in Australia as we speak.

The Baron doesn't even know if he can get through this.......ok, here we go:

Racing Fans "Limited" to 24 Beers a Day.

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE59558U20091006?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

Good lord, The Baron just vomited all over his crotch. The injustice, the humiliation! How could a benevolent god ever allow this travesty to occur?

And what's with those quotes around limited? Do you think this is a fucking joke rueters!? Well I don't hear anyone laughing......DO YOU!!!!!????

As any person who has ever been to an automobile race knows, heroic alcohol consumption is as important as the tires, or the gas, or the ruthlessly effective advertising. You can't have a NASCAR race without 90,000 drunken fans flashing their tits and fighting each other in sprawling gravel parking lots any more than you can have a robot handjob without copious 30 weight oil.

The Baron has just crossed that ridiculous southern continent off of his "remember to spare (if not too drunk or lazy) list"

What happened to you Australia? You used to be cool.