You're minding your own business at the urinal, really just whizzing away. An imposing figure enters the men's room, stands at the urinal right next to you even though there are several others available. You don't dare glance at him for fear of breaking the man code. That's when it hits you. A strange tingling sensation in your junk and you know, just know that he's looking at your hog.
Or, consider this situation. You sprint into the handicap stall in a two stall bathroom. Your sphincter is maxed out. Whatever is inside your rectum feels like a liquid stoat (A weasel like animal) trying to force its nose out your butthole. Your pants are nearly released when.....your boss sits down in the stall next to you. Do you risk it? He will certainly recognize your distinctive shoes or your groans of agony.
The sweeping changes in restroom design I'm about to propose will eliminate these problems forever. I present to you, The Ultimate Men's Room!
Let's have a look at the features of this revolutionary defecation / micturation station. We'll start with the entrance. I feel that the pair of double-hinged cowboy doors are fairly sharp. You're already going to be doing the cowboy walk with all those Lincoln logs stuffed in your colon, so why not enter in style, via cowboy doors!? Notice the long hallway leading to the foyer. This is to provide ample distance for smells to dissipate and will be well ventilated. The walls will be decorated with a timeline of the finest smut.
Next we'll move on to the PeePee pod or Urinal Central as I call it. Notice the handicapped urinal bays. These serve a dual purpose. Firstly, they allow patrons who have eaten stinky food such as asparagus or penicillin to vent in a secluded corner where others will not have to wonder what the hell could possibly be wrong with them for their piss to smell like that. Secondly, they serve as a joke every handicapped person will appreciate as they wonder how the hell they are supposed to stand up to use the urinal. The traditional urinals are separated by 8 foot high 3 foot thick dividers which stretch 5 feet into the room. No more strangers scoping your johnson! And the dividers are sound proof to eliminate the embarrassment of accidental toots during forceful urination! And yeah, those are golden urinals.
Next the pooping chambers. Each chamber is a 10 foot diameter spherical vault located at the far end of a 30 foot hallway. The hall is under negative pressure so no odors reach the foyer and is sound dampened. Each chamber is hermetically sealed by a 3 foot thick vault door which can only be opened from the inside. You can shit all day long if you feel like it and all anyone else will be able to see is a cheerful "Cargo Drop" light displayed on the outside of the door. These turlets are gold too because why the fuck not. Oh yeah, and they are designated with Greek letters for a touch of class / military charm. After all there will be heavy arms fire! As is to be expected, a fine selection of domestic and imported smut will be available, and yes, the front lip of the toilets are far enough forward that even the most impressive boner will not touch the inside rim.
Finally we will examine the foyer, a triumph of modern engineering accommodating a small but fully stocked bar as well as the imposing "Throne Omega". Only the most daring of poopers need apply. Upon mounting the Omega, inspiring Viking drinking songs will blare loudly from the integrated sound system. If you've got what it takes feel free to leave a log for the people! Your baby crocodile will be rated according to standard length, girth and weight metrics to determine its prowess. If your turd is worthy a digital photograph will be snapped just prior to wiping. A top ten of public turds will be displayed on the rear wall in gilded picture frames. Do you have what it takes to disrupt the leader board? I certainly hope you've brought your "A" game because the current leader, a turd know as Il Classico has dominated the top spot for over two decades and is rumored to have killed its creator shortly after birth.
Good day, good luck and good pooping!
If you build it, they will come.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to get some of that "shovel ready" many I've been hearing about but apparently it's already earmarked for schools, health care and public safety for some fucking reason.
ReplyDeleteBy many I meant money, my fingers started drinking way too early today.
ReplyDeleteI find it highly disapointing that a man, such as the Baron, who proports to represent the base male id, would feel anything but pride at thuderous flatulance, at the urinal or elsewhare. Perhaps this "men's bathroom" should have a tampon dispenser for the Baron's private stall.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a gas off is in order? The Baron will meet you at the Omega Throne on the day of your choice at 730Am (That's when the magic happens).
ReplyDeleteOften times The Baron wishes he had a handful of "fat-bitch" size tampons shoved down the back of his underoo's during gaseous emissions.