Furthermore, The Baron would like to expand on this parasite angle by informing everyone of 4 ways that being pregnant is no better than having intestinal worms or lice.1. Feeding on blood: Babies are connected to their mother by a disgusting heap of blood vessels know as the placenta. This proboscis of sorts, allows the fetus to feed on the host's blood at will, thus robbing her of all the choicest nutrients.
Parasite equivalent: You name it, although The Baron thinks crotch crickets are particularly appropriate. Crabs are pretty much the only way that getting your groin sucked could possibly be a bad thing.2. Fattening the host: The fetus sends powerful chemical signals through its placenta to the mother which cause her to crave certain types of foods which the baby requires to complete its pupal stage. This combined with the societal more that preggo ladies should eat their faces off combines to pack on an often irreversible 26 pounds on average. Now, the baby itself needs barely any energy at roughly 50,000 calories for a healthy, full term fetus. That boils down to about 185 calories a day. Those 26 pounds of fat weigh in at a staggering 91,000 calories meaning that in addition to a normal 2,185 calorie diet to maintain the mother and parasite, she's eating an extra 150 calories a day! Slow it down ladies!
Parasite equivalent: Lymphatic filariasis e.g elephantism. Blech these gross little fuckers make you fat for a different reason but still look at how fucking gross that is!
3. Behavioral modification: See the food cravings above and add that the fetus and its awful, awful placenta become the primary source of many hormones during pregnancy effectively controlling the mother's mood, appetite, and physiological parameters. In fact, post partum depression is thought to be caused by the sudden withdrawal of fetal hormones. So the next time you're thinking of drowning your baby remember that it is their fault you feel like shit (also you're probably a crazy bitch).Parasite equivalent: Toxoplasma gondii. You get this shit from cats usually, and they get it from rats. It needs to be in the gut of a feline to reproduce. And how do you think it gets there? Why mind control of course! When rats are infected it goes straight to their brain and inhibits their fear of light and of open spaces and also of cats. So those poor fucking rodents walk right up to Mr.Whiskerton ready to be eaten, and eaten they are. Then captain pussy pants shits all over your house and infects you. 33% of people are infected with toxoplasma. Does it go straight to your brain? You bet. No behavioral side effects have yet been documented, and it is thought that the parasite is in fact beneficial and of great value to the huuu-mohn race (winking in an awkward and disquieting manner)......
4. Immune system suppression: Here's the kicker. If not for a slew of devious tricks perpetrated by the deeply embedded fetus, the mother's body would recognize it as foreign and attack it mercilessly. Problem solved though. Those little bastards make an insidious stew of immuno-suppressive chemicals to prevent the host body from attacking them. These render the mother prone to reactivation of latent infections which can have a regular old block party now that the immune police are drunk on baby juice and crashing their squad cells into storefronts and orphanages.
Parasite equivalent: Malaria. Ever wondered why a shit ton of people have malaria and they never seem to become immune to it over time? Yo. This little bastard actively suppresses the host immune system as well. This allows it to form latent infection in the liver and also to continue reinfecting anyone unfortunate enough to get proboscis raped by a hungry mosquito.
Well, there you have it. Still want to get knocked up? The Baron didn't think so.....
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