Things The Baron Hates : The Scumbag Hero

Y'all know the type of person The Baron is speaking of. He / she is the assmaster who leaps into action whenever a minor emergency presents itself. They don't even have to be directly involved as long as they can be the first person to let everyone else know about it. These fuckbags actually look forward to the car accident / small fire / CNN catastrophe so that they can reveal their true colors.

These insufferable douchebags love to bark orders at everyone else and quote erroneous medical / disaster response / law enforcement information that they saw on TV. In most cases they will interfere with real experts because they don't want to be excluded from the glory.

And that my friends is what this is really all about. The glory. The Scumbag Hero is a miserable wretch who has made mistake after mistake in planning their life. They derive no satisfaction from their own pathetic sphere and so relish the opportunity to seem important if only for a little while.

Tragically, for those directly involved with the emergency the SH is almost invariably, extremely stupid and will often make a bad situation worse.

Having a heart attack? They'll give you the Heimlich and rupture a lung in the process.

Stroke? They'll have you lay down on the floor and raise your legs while they go an get some cold compresses.

Broken spine? They'll wrench you into a firefighter's carry and roughly deposit you on the grass rendering you permanently incontinent.

So the next time you're engulfed in flames and that mouth breathing idiot who loves fire drills starts running over, do yourself a favor jump out the window so that the experts get first crack at you. Because trust The Baron, he was just going to whack you with a broomstick a bunch of times.