Baron Comics 029

The Baron Explains Your Astrological Sign: Part 1: Ares, Taurus, Gemini and Cancer

Astrology is the study of how inaccurate suppositions about the solar system impact the daily lives of inconsequential, moist bags of flesh and their immortal lord The Baron. Let him start off by saying that if you believe in this shit you should be dragged into the street and shot before you can breed. Feeble minded retards (sorry actually mentally handicapped folks, The Baron knows you're smarter than that) talk about astrology like it isn't just a way for gypsies to steal the cash that you probably shouldn't have anyway. In reality, this science is far, far stupider. We're talking dick in the toaster oven stupid. Anyone who even jokingly asks "what's your sign" is just trying to let you know that they're not interested in sex, unless your vagina / weiner contains hot coils that can cook a mean bagel.

Aries Zodiac Sign
March 21 – April 19
Element: Fire
Quality: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Mars
Symbol: Ram
Keywords: Assertive, Competitive, Independent, Energetic, Impulsive

What the fuck is an Ares for starters? The Baron heard it was some sort of Ram, which is in essence just a goat that's a huge asshole. Let's have a look at these keywords:

Assertive (means you're a dick or a bitch).

Competitive (you feel entitled to shit, and it leads to your dick/bitch-ness).

Independent (you don't think the rules apply to you and exert a terrible burden on decent society, you should be raped with a pickle jar).

Energetic (you don't know when to shut the fuck up and get off your fucking cell phone).

Impulsive (you spend all of your money on stupid shit, probably ipads and rap CD's and then when the economy collapses you expect a hand out from responsible people, rather than starving in silence).

Taurus Zodiac Sign
April 20 - May 20
Element: Earth
Quality: Fixed
Ruling Planet: Venus
Symbol: Bull
Keywords: Stable, Sensual, Determined, Stubborn, Affectionate

Bulls are cool right? Strong, terrifyingly agile, confused by waving sheets. Ah yes, there's the kicker, Bulls are stupid as ever living fuck. You could literally talk a bull into anything. Ram that woodchipper head first and blindfolded? Sure! Hmm, an odd mix of keywords too:

Stable (you've got four legs or at least act like you do, that's one better than a tripod).

Sensual (How exactly, with the horns? P.S. The Baron really wants to see how that would work).

Determined (you don't know when to quit and have fucked up your entire life with the dogged claim that you never back down from a challenge, even evading child support payments).

Stubborn (Another word for determined, assholingly determined).

Affectionate (Anyone ever met a bull before? Mother fuckers will kill the shit out of you. The only thing they get affectionate with is mounts meant to look like a lady cow and cowboy Jim's gloved hand).

Gemini Zodiac Sign
May 21 - June 21
Element: Air
Quality: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Mercury
Symbol: Twins
Keywords: Communicative, Intelligent, Fickle, Restless, Curious

Gemini means twin right? So you must be two people? That's probably just a nice way of saying you're fat. What a stupid planet to be associated with too. A scorching hot little speck floating in the sun's bird bath. Keywords:

Communicative (read talkative, you always arrive at the worst possible time and start telling long winded stories that are supposed to be funny but fall flatter than an anorexic teenager's tits).

Intelligent (just because you can talk for a long time doesn't mean you're smart, they probably meant, bright-eyed, you know like healthy livestock?)

Fickle (this one means you're a good for nothing skatter brained shitdick who can never commit to weekend plans and is consistently 30 minutes late with some lame ass excuse about the bus).

Restless (Stop rocking in the fucking chair....ok now stop tapping on the desk....No, don't jiggle your keys you dumb fuck!).

Curious (this is just another word for nosy, keep your beak out of The Baron's business!!).

Cancer Zodiac Sign
June 22 - July 22
Element: Water
Quality: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Moon
Symbol: Crab
Keywords: Shy, Cautious, Homebody, Protective, Moody

Holy shit cancer? So how long you got to live? Haha, oh The Baron sees, cancer actually means Crab(s). Is that any better? Keywords:

Shy (spineless shit-wit, will never make a decision for yourself).

Cautious (you make sure to steal food from the common fridge under the cover of darkness. The roomates will be oblivious unless they hear the rasp of fingernails on your bug infested flannigan.)

Homebody (this one isn't even an adjective you assmaster).

Protective (of what, your ipod? Trust me, with those crabs as your symbol you're definitely not going to be protecting a mate)

Moody (who wouldn't be, what with a crotch full of miniature dick lobsters snipping away at your sack, and or flaps 'n' doo-dads?).

Insufferable Train Conversations part 2

Greeting Baronites, this is The Baron speaking.

The Baron knows its been a while since we last talked and he wants you to know that he still despises each an every one of you. The Baron has been extremely busy with his harem, namely, The Baroness found out about said slut corral and his eminence has been hiding in the basement of his chalet in the Urals ever since.

Seriously though, The Baron heard a conversation on the train today that made him vomit vast curtains of bilious mucus all over the baby carriage in front of him.

Here's the discourse in question:

Insufferable wench: ....we'll see whether Chase calls tonite.

Insufferable friend: "Why wouldn't he call?"

IW: Well, he likes to sleep around with other ladies, you know, try his luck on a Friday night.

IF: "He sounds like a jerk."

IW: "No, Chase is a great guy, he just has a short attention span and gets distracted by every new, shiny thing. I'm just happy to be one of those shiny things."

WHOA!! FREEZE FRAME!!! There's really no point in going any further. Ok, let The Baron point out a few things he was able to deduce from the conversation to this point. Mind you The Baron had yet to see the woman in question.

1. IW is fat, not circus fat, but just enough to be disgusting.

2. Also she has a moon-shaped, freckly face.

3. She is between 28 and 35.

4. Chase is the biggest douchebag in the history of the world.

5. Chase is blonde, with a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow.

6. He fancies himself a ladies man.

7. But he's the wrong kind of ladies man. E.g. he goes after big dumpy sows and ugly chicks.

8. IW's friend is fed up with IW's shit and actually wishes her specific harm.

9. IW has the IQ of a block of sandal wood, but the aroma of cheap deodorant and sweaty feet.

Well, how do you think The Baron did? If you answered, I bet she was a charming, young, attractive woman, report to the Rapeosaur Pit for re-education.

Holy shit was The Baron ever dead on!!

Big, fat, messy, freckles out the wazoo, voice that could nag the dead. The Baron could literally hear commuters eyes rolling.