Girls gobble cock because they look so good doing it
analogous ah
more! ]] Watch to Heute morgen liked Spielberg
http://girlloveanimal.com
This is a pretty good one.
The email starts off with a fact, nay a universal constant:
GGCBTLSGDI = 5.67892 X 10E6 = TBWA = The Baron's Weiner Axiom.
It then moves on to say : "Analogous ah more! ]]."
Which indicates that The Count from sesame street is in fact the author.
He means: "The TBWA is analogous to this site but there's more!"
The double bracket is a valiant attempt to draw a buttocks using only a standard QWERTY keyboard so he's also saying that there is going to be ass as well as proof of the TBWA.
"Watch to Heute Morgan liked Spielberg" is rather confusing and is intended as a riddle. If you look up what a Heute Morgan you find that it is in fact a piece of shit car in a vulnerable situation and working for great director.
This indicates that in addition to the TBWA and crude pixelated asses, their will also be mechanophilia.
Finally the address is provided as : girloveanimal.com which ties the whole enticing affair together and reveals the mystery of this spam.
For you see the clues point to only one conclusion, this site is dedicated to girls blowing robot animals.
If The Baron had a nickel for every time he discovered a robot animal oral fetishist site, he'd have a really sticky pile of nickels.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
This Just In : The French Love Pedophiles!
Are the French fucking serious right now?
The Baron has seen and done and had done to him some awful things but his vast empire of Barononia has never and will never harbor a known pedophile and try to make it seem like it's ok.
In case you don't know the goddamn frog mongers have been protecting Roman Polanski, a certified 13 year old girl fucker ever since he fled sentencing 30 years ago.
This buttmaster has been hiding out in the land of baguets, cheap wine and apparently mincing child hungry rapists and living the good life since the 1970's and these snail fisters refuse to extradite him. Now 3 decades later later the good old teen-snooter protecting US of A has him arrested by the Swiss (uh oh!) and the fuck faces are still defending him.
Come on the French! How the shit are we supposed to respect you as a real country if you can't even not condone baby-fuckers. And The Baron quotes:
France's culture minister said he wants to remind everyone that Roman Polanski benefits from great general esteem" and has "exceptional artistic creation and human qualities.
Sure you bailed us out in the revolutionary war and sold us an asston of land for a song, but saying that it's ok that Mr.Pricky-Pecker-Polansky plowed a little girl because he's a fucking artist? Are you kidding The Baron?
Summon The Baron's Zepplin Brigade and the Unkillable Colonel BattleMaster and his corps of fanatics. Destination, France.
The Baron has seen and done and had done to him some awful things but his vast empire of Barononia has never and will never harbor a known pedophile and try to make it seem like it's ok.
In case you don't know the goddamn frog mongers have been protecting Roman Polanski, a certified 13 year old girl fucker ever since he fled sentencing 30 years ago.
This buttmaster has been hiding out in the land of baguets, cheap wine and apparently mincing child hungry rapists and living the good life since the 1970's and these snail fisters refuse to extradite him. Now 3 decades later later the good old teen-snooter protecting US of A has him arrested by the Swiss (uh oh!) and the fuck faces are still defending him.
Come on the French! How the shit are we supposed to respect you as a real country if you can't even not condone baby-fuckers. And The Baron quotes:
France's culture minister said he wants to remind everyone that Roman Polanski benefits from great general esteem" and has "exceptional artistic creation and human qualities.
Sure you bailed us out in the revolutionary war and sold us an asston of land for a song, but saying that it's ok that Mr.Pricky-Pecker-Polansky plowed a little girl because he's a fucking artist? Are you kidding The Baron?
Summon The Baron's Zepplin Brigade and the Unkillable Colonel BattleMaster and his corps of fanatics. Destination, France.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Baron Is Out of Town
The Baron is off on a safari to shoot giant squid from his zepplin.
See everyone on Monday.
See everyone on Monday.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Cars The Baron Can't Believe Anyone Buys: Subaru Tribeca
Good tit-slapping christ, the "car" featured on The Box today has got to be one of the most god awful pieces of congealed walrus semen The Baron has ever had the misfortune to lay his eyes upon.
The Subaru Tribeca was born in the age of every damn car company making an SUV, but, just like Acura, Audi and Volvo, Subaru got into the game way, way too late and missed out on literally all of the profits.
In the mid 90's you could throw some truck tires on a horse drawn wagon and a million frothing assmasters would line up around the block to give you 40K for it. Ford and GM made literally a cajillion dollars selling their piece of shit land boats and only the most retarded of auto-execs decided not to cash in on the collective (and massive) stupidity of the average American consumer.
Making an SUV was literally the easiest thing in the world and involved no intelligence or even planning. Most auto companies ripped the body off a pickup truck, slapped an SUV body on the chassis and welded the whole piece of shit together without test driving it first. The result was a bloated fleet of road incompetent vehicles that would roll in the slightest cross breeze and burst into flames with such regularity The Baron wondered if that was part of the Sport package.
Then about a decade went buy and as gas prices rose, SUV sales sunk until the market imploded during the gascession right before the goddamn pussy slapping recession. And when, might you ask, did Subaru decide to throw their hat into the ring? Why at the end of the decline, roughly 3 years before the gascession and after other auto companies had made so much money that they were literally buying God's furniture off him at cost just because they could.
That brings us to the Tribeca. One of the stupidest names for one of the ugliest cars in the history of automobiles. If you don't know, the name Tribeca refers to an exclusive region of Manhattan where only assmasters and dickbags live so it was quite natural to name a car after this prententious shitville. The Baron likes to think that Subaru consulted a retarded ape during a board meeting and that this impaired simian smeared crap over all the profit reports and current successful brands the company produced. Then with one reeking finger, the simpering monkey (also the monkey was wearing a double breasted suit with no pants) scrawled the outline of what would become this lumbering boat of an SUV and furiously pointed to it while chattering and screeching (then he mauled the CFO to death).
Have a gander at this cockbox. It looks like a minivan fucked a steam locomotive and kept all the worst design features of each. The grill strongly resembles the business end of a dust buster and the body looks like a tortoise inspired flying wedge. This car probably weighs 7 or so tons and handles like a wheelbarrow filled with stones.
Also, it is 14 feet tall and roughly 50 feet long. In short, this is the epitome of poor vehicle design and an embarrassment to all of mankind. That anyone thought it would be a good idea to buy one of these lumbering cum tankers literally blows The Baron's mind. Every time he sees one on the road (thankfully very rarely) he can't help but feel an overwhelming contempt mixed with vomit flavored pity.
That Subaru managed to sell even one of these shitcarts is a fucking miracle and also the most depressing condemnation of humanity that The Baron has yet come across. If you own one of these "things" or knows someone who does The Baron hopes you are ashamed of yourself and he expects you to report to your nearest gravel yard to be pulverized in a 2 ton hammer mill.
The Subaru Tribeca was born in the age of every damn car company making an SUV, but, just like Acura, Audi and Volvo, Subaru got into the game way, way too late and missed out on literally all of the profits.
In the mid 90's you could throw some truck tires on a horse drawn wagon and a million frothing assmasters would line up around the block to give you 40K for it. Ford and GM made literally a cajillion dollars selling their piece of shit land boats and only the most retarded of auto-execs decided not to cash in on the collective (and massive) stupidity of the average American consumer.
Making an SUV was literally the easiest thing in the world and involved no intelligence or even planning. Most auto companies ripped the body off a pickup truck, slapped an SUV body on the chassis and welded the whole piece of shit together without test driving it first. The result was a bloated fleet of road incompetent vehicles that would roll in the slightest cross breeze and burst into flames with such regularity The Baron wondered if that was part of the Sport package.
Then about a decade went buy and as gas prices rose, SUV sales sunk until the market imploded during the gascession right before the goddamn pussy slapping recession. And when, might you ask, did Subaru decide to throw their hat into the ring? Why at the end of the decline, roughly 3 years before the gascession and after other auto companies had made so much money that they were literally buying God's furniture off him at cost just because they could.
That brings us to the Tribeca. One of the stupidest names for one of the ugliest cars in the history of automobiles. If you don't know, the name Tribeca refers to an exclusive region of Manhattan where only assmasters and dickbags live so it was quite natural to name a car after this prententious shitville. The Baron likes to think that Subaru consulted a retarded ape during a board meeting and that this impaired simian smeared crap over all the profit reports and current successful brands the company produced. Then with one reeking finger, the simpering monkey (also the monkey was wearing a double breasted suit with no pants) scrawled the outline of what would become this lumbering boat of an SUV and furiously pointed to it while chattering and screeching (then he mauled the CFO to death).
Have a gander at this cockbox. It looks like a minivan fucked a steam locomotive and kept all the worst design features of each. The grill strongly resembles the business end of a dust buster and the body looks like a tortoise inspired flying wedge. This car probably weighs 7 or so tons and handles like a wheelbarrow filled with stones.
Also, it is 14 feet tall and roughly 50 feet long. In short, this is the epitome of poor vehicle design and an embarrassment to all of mankind. That anyone thought it would be a good idea to buy one of these lumbering cum tankers literally blows The Baron's mind. Every time he sees one on the road (thankfully very rarely) he can't help but feel an overwhelming contempt mixed with vomit flavored pity.
That Subaru managed to sell even one of these shitcarts is a fucking miracle and also the most depressing condemnation of humanity that The Baron has yet come across. If you own one of these "things" or knows someone who does The Baron hopes you are ashamed of yourself and he expects you to report to your nearest gravel yard to be pulverized in a 2 ton hammer mill.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
For New Readers
The Baron has noticed a sharp uptick in page views in the last few weeks from new IP addresses. He assumes that the google is responsible and would like to go over a few talking points.
The Baron feels it is prudent to inform new readers of The Baron's Mailbag.
Simply send an email to TheBaronsBox@gmail.com and he will respond in post form.
Obviously The Baron will not post email addresses because that would be frog-fuckingly stupid and he doesn't care enough about you to not land his zepplin on your house while you sleep.
Furthermore, The Baron has a rather regular posting schedule of Monday-Thurs and rarely Fridays. There is typically one Baron Comic per week except when The Baron is too busy satisfying hoards upon hoards of just 18 models who follow him around like a tit-tacular army.
If you don't approve of the following words, you should probably seek your entertainment elsewhere:
Assmaster, cockmaster, dickmaster, shit-dick, dicktard, shit-fuck, fucktard, sack-tits, growler, growlers, vaginae, tit-tacular, shit-fuckingly, dick-bitingly, fisting, fister, ass-fistingly, anus, chocolate star fish, shit, poop, trouser-pizza, trouser-baguette, boner-biter, pickle-sniffer, balls, sack, sackmaster, spencer-prattingly, spencer-prattish, stupid-spencer-pratt-dildo-faced-puppy-raper....&c.
Enjoy.
The Baron feels it is prudent to inform new readers of The Baron's Mailbag.
Simply send an email to TheBaronsBox@gmail.com and he will respond in post form.
Obviously The Baron will not post email addresses because that would be frog-fuckingly stupid and he doesn't care enough about you to not land his zepplin on your house while you sleep.
Furthermore, The Baron has a rather regular posting schedule of Monday-Thurs and rarely Fridays. There is typically one Baron Comic per week except when The Baron is too busy satisfying hoards upon hoards of just 18 models who follow him around like a tit-tacular army.
If you don't approve of the following words, you should probably seek your entertainment elsewhere:
Assmaster, cockmaster, dickmaster, shit-dick, dicktard, shit-fuck, fucktard, sack-tits, growler, growlers, vaginae, tit-tacular, shit-fuckingly, dick-bitingly, fisting, fister, ass-fistingly, anus, chocolate star fish, shit, poop, trouser-pizza, trouser-baguette, boner-biter, pickle-sniffer, balls, sack, sackmaster, spencer-prattingly, spencer-prattish, stupid-spencer-pratt-dildo-faced-puppy-raper....&c.
Enjoy.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Jesus Christ....More Media Idiocy
It seems the news media is now purposefully trying to enrage The Baron with their presentation of blatantly false, misleading or misinterpreted stories.
Today's horseshit smeared on newsprint and presented as fact:
"Your shower is making you sick."
Well, sounds important right? I wonder how it's making The Baron sick? Toxic chemicals? Voodoo curse? Germs? It's germs right?
Well, The Baron sees no problem with being concerned about bacteria spewing out of your shower and into your face. But what nasty little bug is it?
Mycobacterium avium.
Wow sounds pretty official, after all the other famous mycobacterium is M.tuberculosis.
"So wait you're saying we can get consumption from our fucking showers?!" You say.
Not so fast there sport. The Baron will direct your attention to the second part of that bug's name. Avium. Where has The Baron seen that word before. Aviary (a huge bird house), Avian (of or relating to birds), Avis (a company that rents flying cars).
Hmmmmm, so this is bird tuberculosis we're talking about here. Must be kind of like the bird flu, right? In that the bird flu is deadly....even though it's not. So actually, M.avium is exactly like the bird flu. Literally no one dies from it or even catches it.
So, unless you have AIDS (untreated) or are taken immunosuppressives (but not antibiotics), or are a thousand year old geezer with 10 other health problems. You have nothing to worry about.
Nice try media, it's just too bad that the bulk of people are retards who believe everything you say.
I guess this would be a good time for The Baron to get into the bathtub installing / shower removing business.
Today's horseshit smeared on newsprint and presented as fact:
"Your shower is making you sick."
Well, sounds important right? I wonder how it's making The Baron sick? Toxic chemicals? Voodoo curse? Germs? It's germs right?
Well, The Baron sees no problem with being concerned about bacteria spewing out of your shower and into your face. But what nasty little bug is it?
Mycobacterium avium.
Wow sounds pretty official, after all the other famous mycobacterium is M.tuberculosis.
"So wait you're saying we can get consumption from our fucking showers?!" You say.
Not so fast there sport. The Baron will direct your attention to the second part of that bug's name. Avium. Where has The Baron seen that word before. Aviary (a huge bird house), Avian (of or relating to birds), Avis (a company that rents flying cars).
Hmmmmm, so this is bird tuberculosis we're talking about here. Must be kind of like the bird flu, right? In that the bird flu is deadly....even though it's not. So actually, M.avium is exactly like the bird flu. Literally no one dies from it or even catches it.
So, unless you have AIDS (untreated) or are taken immunosuppressives (but not antibiotics), or are a thousand year old geezer with 10 other health problems. You have nothing to worry about.
Nice try media, it's just too bad that the bulk of people are retards who believe everything you say.
I guess this would be a good time for The Baron to get into the bathtub installing / shower removing business.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Baron's Tip of the Hat Files: Anti-Burglar Sword
The Baron knows he doesn't often post twice in one day, but the following story touched the cockles (that's the balls right?) of his heart and made him tear up with joy:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/15/samurai.sword.killing/index.html
If only a wise cracking chimp was somehow involved this would be a perfect story.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/15/samurai.sword.killing/index.html
If only a wise cracking chimp was somehow involved this would be a perfect story.
2 More Examples of Media Idiocy with another The Baron Told You So.
The Baron is nauseated to bring you two more examples of mass media idiocy that would cause the stupidest monkey alive to ask "Do you think we're retarded?"
1. Reality doesn't really support our views, so let's make a misleading graph that looks like it does.
This one made The Baron's colon quiver with rage...and then erupt ruining the captain's chair on the forebridge of his Zepplin.
The story was as follows: Percentage of physicians not accepting new patients in MA climbs to 30%.
That doesn't sound like a lot does it? However, because the media wants there to be a health care shortage, they were stuck in a quagmire.
Media guy (pulling his entire arm out of a goat's ass): "But wait, that means that the vast majority of doctors are accepting new patients. But that's not the way we want it to be! We can't whine and carry on like the world is falling to pieces with that statistic.
Media gal (her face covered with donkey semen for some reason): "Hey don't sweat it, you can go back to fisting that attractive goat, I've got a plan, a plan that makes use of optical illusions, like magic eye, I'm told, although everyone knows we media types don't have the mental capacity for abstract reasoning."
And do you know what that ploy is gentle reader? A graph which tries to fool you into thinking that 30% is a lot by exploiting your deficit in estimating the area of rounded shapes. Behold!
Not as impressive when it's displayed in a regular graph is it. But wait "why would the media be so misleading?" you say "I thought the media was supposed to be impartial?" Hahaha, The Baron will let you in on a little secret: The news hasn't been the news since desert storm, now it's just infotainment.
Were you infotained? The Baron certainly was. He loves it when the news implies that he's too stupid to make his own opinions.
2. The Baron told you so, and a repeat of the former.
Remember The Baron's post nigh on Monday? The one about douchebags standing up prematurely on trains? Remember how one of the comments seemed to disagree with The Baron even though he's always right?
Well, The Baron has been proven right yet again! Because yesterday, in south station, a train didn't roll to a stop soon enough and hit the bumper at the end of the tracks, slightly injuring assmasters who were standing before the train stopped! Ha! The Baron told you so.
What The Baron wasn't amused by was the media's coverage of this event:
The Metro (a so called paper) referred to the event as a "crash".
Dictionary.com defines a crash as: (of moving vehicles, objects, etc.) to collide, esp. violently and noisily.
Whereas this collision was described by more reputable sources, such as the train's engineer as at: "At a very low rate of speed" and "..bumping the barrier." Oh yes, and nothing was damaged, except shit-dicks.
What's that you say: "But The Baron, a crash is more interes.....oh wait, I see, this wasn't a crash at all, this was like when you're parallel parking and you tap the car behind you. How did any of those assmasters even get hurt in the first place? Eureka, I'll consult The Baron's Yell Box. Saints be praised! The "injured" were premature door standers (PDS's) and hence deserved to be injured! Thank you The Baron!"
1. Reality doesn't really support our views, so let's make a misleading graph that looks like it does.
This one made The Baron's colon quiver with rage...and then erupt ruining the captain's chair on the forebridge of his Zepplin.
The story was as follows: Percentage of physicians not accepting new patients in MA climbs to 30%.
That doesn't sound like a lot does it? However, because the media wants there to be a health care shortage, they were stuck in a quagmire.
Media guy (pulling his entire arm out of a goat's ass): "But wait, that means that the vast majority of doctors are accepting new patients. But that's not the way we want it to be! We can't whine and carry on like the world is falling to pieces with that statistic.
Media gal (her face covered with donkey semen for some reason): "Hey don't sweat it, you can go back to fisting that attractive goat, I've got a plan, a plan that makes use of optical illusions, like magic eye, I'm told, although everyone knows we media types don't have the mental capacity for abstract reasoning."
And do you know what that ploy is gentle reader? A graph which tries to fool you into thinking that 30% is a lot by exploiting your deficit in estimating the area of rounded shapes. Behold!
Not as impressive when it's displayed in a regular graph is it. But wait "why would the media be so misleading?" you say "I thought the media was supposed to be impartial?" Hahaha, The Baron will let you in on a little secret: The news hasn't been the news since desert storm, now it's just infotainment.
Were you infotained? The Baron certainly was. He loves it when the news implies that he's too stupid to make his own opinions.
2. The Baron told you so, and a repeat of the former.
Remember The Baron's post nigh on Monday? The one about douchebags standing up prematurely on trains? Remember how one of the comments seemed to disagree with The Baron even though he's always right?
Well, The Baron has been proven right yet again! Because yesterday, in south station, a train didn't roll to a stop soon enough and hit the bumper at the end of the tracks, slightly injuring assmasters who were standing before the train stopped! Ha! The Baron told you so.
What The Baron wasn't amused by was the media's coverage of this event:
The Metro (a so called paper) referred to the event as a "crash".
Dictionary.com defines a crash as: (of moving vehicles, objects, etc.) to collide, esp. violently and noisily.
Whereas this collision was described by more reputable sources, such as the train's engineer as at: "At a very low rate of speed" and "..bumping the barrier." Oh yes, and nothing was damaged, except shit-dicks.
What's that you say: "But The Baron, a crash is more interes.....oh wait, I see, this wasn't a crash at all, this was like when you're parallel parking and you tap the car behind you. How did any of those assmasters even get hurt in the first place? Eureka, I'll consult The Baron's Yell Box. Saints be praised! The "injured" were premature door standers (PDS's) and hence deserved to be injured! Thank you The Baron!"
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
RIP Dalton
Wow, what can The Baron even say.
The Baron was pretty sure that only god could kill off Dalton (most likely in a throw down bar fight with plenty of broken stools). But I guess he's been proven wrong.
You know what pancreatic cancer? You're a pussy and an assmaster of the highest degree. If you had an ass Dalton would be kicking it right now.
So savor your victory you pansy assed dicktard because there's no way death can keep The Swayze down. Any day now he'll be back and he's going to cram his size twelve angel boots so far up your shriveled cancerous growler that you'll be tasting cloud dust.
If there's one thing Dalton taught us it's that "Pain don't hurt."
Well, The Baron would like to amend that aphorism to apply to the current situation, namely:
"Death don't kill"
See you soon zombie Dalton , that is unless you've already ousted god and taken his place....
The Baron was pretty sure that only god could kill off Dalton (most likely in a throw down bar fight with plenty of broken stools). But I guess he's been proven wrong.
You know what pancreatic cancer? You're a pussy and an assmaster of the highest degree. If you had an ass Dalton would be kicking it right now.
So savor your victory you pansy assed dicktard because there's no way death can keep The Swayze down. Any day now he'll be back and he's going to cram his size twelve angel boots so far up your shriveled cancerous growler that you'll be tasting cloud dust.If there's one thing Dalton taught us it's that "Pain don't hurt."
Well, The Baron would like to amend that aphorism to apply to the current situation, namely:
"Death don't kill"
See you soon zombie Dalton , that is unless you've already ousted god and taken his place....
Monday, September 14, 2009
Things The Baron Hates : Premature Door Standing on Public Transport.
Today's topic makes The Baron want to swan dive, penis first into a tank of scorpions and also fire. The Baron is of course referring to, premature door standers (PDS's). These antsy flannigans for whatever reason, simply cannot, or will not remain seated until the vehicle has reached its destination.
PDS's are most often encountered on trains, buses and aircraft although they reside in nearly every location that contains doors which open periodically.
Here's the situation. A cockmonger steps onto the train. They sit down. 4 minutes or more before their stop is reached, said assmaster stands up and crowds about the door like their genitals are on fire and they're waiting in line to hump an old west style horse trough.
Every extra minute they spend anxiously peering out the doors before their destination is reached makes them exponentially more of an assmaster (figure 1).
But wait! you say. What if the person in question is in a big rush and needs to be the first one off the conveyance?
Haha, oh naive reader, that's the bitter smegma of this whole crusty phenomenon. The PDS never, The Baron repeats, never needs to be the first person off the train. You see, their MO is to make sure people who are in a rush, or who are late get stuck behind a stinking herd of plebes.
So you see, PDS's are no better than leaky sandwich bags full of expired bull semen and should be treated as such.
PDS's are most often encountered on trains, buses and aircraft although they reside in nearly every location that contains doors which open periodically.
Here's the situation. A cockmonger steps onto the train. They sit down. 4 minutes or more before their stop is reached, said assmaster stands up and crowds about the door like their genitals are on fire and they're waiting in line to hump an old west style horse trough.
Every extra minute they spend anxiously peering out the doors before their destination is reached makes them exponentially more of an assmaster (figure 1).
But wait! you say. What if the person in question is in a big rush and needs to be the first one off the conveyance?Haha, oh naive reader, that's the bitter smegma of this whole crusty phenomenon. The PDS never, The Baron repeats, never needs to be the first person off the train. You see, their MO is to make sure people who are in a rush, or who are late get stuck behind a stinking herd of plebes.
So you see, PDS's are no better than leaky sandwich bags full of expired bull semen and should be treated as such.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
More Retarded News Stories
As if the media hasn't embarrassed itself enough already with this whole twitter bullshit and reporting iPod releases like they were the second coming of quilted turlet paper, now they've traipsed even further into the gaping vagina of infotainment.
"Survey reports 52% of businesses think swine flu outbreaks will be more severe this fall."
Are you shitting The Baron? What kind of butt-blasting, bicycle raping horseshit is this?
How is this even a stat?
Doesn't 52% mean that the businesses surveyed were actually coins the media was flipping in their mucus cocoons down by the sewage treatment plant?
Furthermore, why in the name of feces would they even run a survey like this? It's like asking a bunch of monkeys if the recession is going to end this year (Note: This comment does not pertain to The Ape Lord and his cadre of fanatics, The Baron intended no offense Chancellor Pickles).
For instance, The Baron can come up with some other stats which are equally as valid:
52% of Hobos think there will be either more or less hotdogs in the dumpster this winter.
Taupe will be the new hot color this fall, reports iron workers local 309.
The Baron predicts a sharp uptick in models trying to put their growlers all up in his face in 2010 (Actually, this one is not ridiculous at all, The Baron just wanted everyone to know).
This is why The Baron tries to ignore literally everything the media reports. They're a pack of cummed-up shitbags and for some reason they can't even tell they're being fucktards. It's like members of the press are unable to see their own image when it's displayed on TV and hence can't see how assmasterish they come off.
Wait a second......Can't see their own image on TV......Fucking Horse Nuts!!!! That makes them Robovampires! Right!? Right!? Fuck, fuck, fuck!
The Baron is heading to radio shack to buy a galvanometer and some metal stak.... er, rather antennas and he commands you to give him at least a 45 minute head start. How did The Baron not see this sooner...Fucking Sparkheads!
"Survey reports 52% of businesses think swine flu outbreaks will be more severe this fall."
Are you shitting The Baron? What kind of butt-blasting, bicycle raping horseshit is this?
How is this even a stat?
Doesn't 52% mean that the businesses surveyed were actually coins the media was flipping in their mucus cocoons down by the sewage treatment plant?
Furthermore, why in the name of feces would they even run a survey like this? It's like asking a bunch of monkeys if the recession is going to end this year (Note: This comment does not pertain to The Ape Lord and his cadre of fanatics, The Baron intended no offense Chancellor Pickles).
For instance, The Baron can come up with some other stats which are equally as valid:
52% of Hobos think there will be either more or less hotdogs in the dumpster this winter.
Taupe will be the new hot color this fall, reports iron workers local 309.
The Baron predicts a sharp uptick in models trying to put their growlers all up in his face in 2010 (Actually, this one is not ridiculous at all, The Baron just wanted everyone to know).
This is why The Baron tries to ignore literally everything the media reports. They're a pack of cummed-up shitbags and for some reason they can't even tell they're being fucktards. It's like members of the press are unable to see their own image when it's displayed on TV and hence can't see how assmasterish they come off.
Wait a second......Can't see their own image on TV......Fucking Horse Nuts!!!! That makes them Robovampires! Right!? Right!? Fuck, fuck, fuck!
The Baron is heading to radio shack to buy a galvanometer and some metal stak.... er, rather antennas and he commands you to give him at least a 45 minute head start. How did The Baron not see this sooner...Fucking Sparkheads!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Baron's Mailbag 005
LeVar Baron,
There are reams of empirical evidence regarding the punishment that greasy cheeseburgers rain down on defenseless turlets. Ergo, can a total prime babe do anything more unattractive than eat a GCB? The train of thoughts that sight causes is a train I let pass through the station.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Dear Concerned Pooper
This is indeed a troubling issue. Namely, when a total babe eats gross food (super burritos, greasy cheeseburgers, suggestively shaped kilbasa, &c) does this mean she will destroy a turlet in the same manner that The Baron might?
After all, nothing could be more disgusting than a hot piece of bitch divesting herself of several liters of liquid burger leavings like an upside down poop volcano.
Thankfully, The Baron can assuage your fears with a short lesson in female anatomy:
Although the female would appear to be very outwardly similar to the male (with some obvious and awesome additions and subtractions) the female gastrointestinal tract works at 1/180th the speed of the male's.
This means that the female human need only dump out 2 times a year, once on Easter and once on Halloween.
The Baron knows what you're thinking, "Say The Baron, wouldn't a turd half a year old be enormous and disgusting?"
Hahaha, gentle reader, nothing could be further from the truth. Like a fine scotch, a lady turd decreases in volume and stench as it ages. The final "dump", if you can even call it that, is a thick transparent oil which smells like fruit loops. There's nothing wrong with that right?
In conclusion, women don't have the same response to disgusting foods as men so if you ever happen to be crouching on the seat of a turlet in the women's room and hear / smell anything out of the ordinary, contact The Baron Enforcement Corps because you may be voyeurizing a Changeling and they can be very dangerous when cornered.
There are reams of empirical evidence regarding the punishment that greasy cheeseburgers rain down on defenseless turlets. Ergo, can a total prime babe do anything more unattractive than eat a GCB? The train of thoughts that sight causes is a train I let pass through the station.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Dear Concerned Pooper
This is indeed a troubling issue. Namely, when a total babe eats gross food (super burritos, greasy cheeseburgers, suggestively shaped kilbasa, &c) does this mean she will destroy a turlet in the same manner that The Baron might?
After all, nothing could be more disgusting than a hot piece of bitch divesting herself of several liters of liquid burger leavings like an upside down poop volcano.
Thankfully, The Baron can assuage your fears with a short lesson in female anatomy:
Although the female would appear to be very outwardly similar to the male (with some obvious and awesome additions and subtractions) the female gastrointestinal tract works at 1/180th the speed of the male's.
This means that the female human need only dump out 2 times a year, once on Easter and once on Halloween.
The Baron knows what you're thinking, "Say The Baron, wouldn't a turd half a year old be enormous and disgusting?"
Hahaha, gentle reader, nothing could be further from the truth. Like a fine scotch, a lady turd decreases in volume and stench as it ages. The final "dump", if you can even call it that, is a thick transparent oil which smells like fruit loops. There's nothing wrong with that right?
In conclusion, women don't have the same response to disgusting foods as men so if you ever happen to be crouching on the seat of a turlet in the women's room and hear / smell anything out of the ordinary, contact The Baron Enforcement Corps because you may be voyeurizing a Changeling and they can be very dangerous when cornered.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Great Facial Hair in History: Val Kilmer in Tombstone
Tombstone is one of The Baron's favorite movies of all time.
You might think it's because of the shooting, or the drinking, or the cussing and you'd be wrong.
It's because of Val Kilmer's portrayal of Doc Holiday, the man who reigns as one of the most badass lady slayers of all time.
Let's take a look at his stirring interpretation of this legendary hardass:
Holy shit! Talk about execution! The Baron couldn't grow a mustache like that even if he gave Tom Sellick's cookie broom eskimo kisses for good luck.
Val's lip cover really is a defiant, insulting piece of work. The main body of the stache says "I know I'm better than you" and when you ask "oh, yeah, how do you know?" the saucy little triangle goatee says "fuck you!" and holds up a picture of your mom getting a kilmer-style mustache ride.
And that's exactly how Doc Holiday acted in Tombstone. Say the cowboy gang doesn't like his style....well he'll just go ahead and drink until he is shaking and sweating with rage, insult the shit out of one of them and then play it off like it was the mustache's idea, then when they least expect it BAM! a bullet in the brainpan.
The Baron is positive that this is the way the real Doc operated and was severely disappointed when he saw that Val shaved that glorious lip sweater after the movie.
Regardless (irregardless isn't a word you fucknuts cause if it was it would mean anti-regardless which is the same as regardful you dickflake) The Baron would like to relive one of the greatest quotes of the movie:
Soon to be deceased: Hell, you couldn't shoot me, you're so drunk you're seeing double.
Doc The Stache Holiday: (brandishing a second pistol) Well I've got one for each of you then.
Goddamn!!!!
You might think it's because of the shooting, or the drinking, or the cussing and you'd be wrong.
It's because of Val Kilmer's portrayal of Doc Holiday, the man who reigns as one of the most badass lady slayers of all time.
Let's take a look at his stirring interpretation of this legendary hardass:
Holy shit! Talk about execution! The Baron couldn't grow a mustache like that even if he gave Tom Sellick's cookie broom eskimo kisses for good luck.Val's lip cover really is a defiant, insulting piece of work. The main body of the stache says "I know I'm better than you" and when you ask "oh, yeah, how do you know?" the saucy little triangle goatee says "fuck you!" and holds up a picture of your mom getting a kilmer-style mustache ride.
And that's exactly how Doc Holiday acted in Tombstone. Say the cowboy gang doesn't like his style....well he'll just go ahead and drink until he is shaking and sweating with rage, insult the shit out of one of them and then play it off like it was the mustache's idea, then when they least expect it BAM! a bullet in the brainpan.
The Baron is positive that this is the way the real Doc operated and was severely disappointed when he saw that Val shaved that glorious lip sweater after the movie.
Regardless (irregardless isn't a word you fucknuts cause if it was it would mean anti-regardless which is the same as regardful you dickflake) The Baron would like to relive one of the greatest quotes of the movie:
Soon to be deceased: Hell, you couldn't shoot me, you're so drunk you're seeing double.
Doc The Stache Holiday: (brandishing a second pistol) Well I've got one for each of you then.
Goddamn!!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Two Things Assmasters Say
You know when a new turn of phrase becomes popular? A phrase such as "talk to the hand", or "as if"? You know how as soon as your parents, or the news media starts using it, it's no longer cool and in fact makes you look like a big fat pair of sacktits? And that soon thereafter, the phrase falls out of fashion for 30 years?
Well, two of these insipid sayings have refused to die and seem to get more and more irritating with each passing year:
1. Not so much (petulantly).
Holy shit, The Baron can't believe this phrase was ever popular. This is the kind of thing that a shit-dick heard on some ass-fisting sitcom and couldn't wait to use on his eurotrash butt-blasting friends. The Baron can just picture the little shitfuck and his gay ass white converse sneakers, black fitted jeans and mac glasses with slim flannel shirt and it makes him want to puke on god's front porch:
"Hey, Blake do you want to go rape a horse tonite?"
"Not so much" (some sort of shitty little smirk on his asshole covered face).
"Why not pookie?"
"I'd rather rape a goat they're easier to chase down!"
The Baron is blasting himself with cold water, in the lab safety shower, also he is naked, really, really naked.
2. I'm good (condescendingly)
Now that The Baron has puked up everything in his digestive tract, and yes that includes feces, and yes he's been eating 8 super burritos a day for weeks and hadn't dumped out in that entire time, we move on to the second cumbag phrase.
The Baron believes this "gem" may have come from "friends", or possibly "seinfeld". Generally the way these things work is that some comedy writers, who are not nearly as clever as they think they are come up with a possible catch-phrase and instantly begin groping and penetrating each other in the dingy sub-basement where they live and work.
If the verbal diarrhea passes muster it is extruded during the next airing of the sitcom in question. Usually, it gets stuck in the show's thick fur and becomes hard and sticky. The show crouches down and drags its ass across the assholish faces of its audience, rubbing the catchphrase-berry off in the process.
It's always some smug bitch ass cunt who belts this one out and she always uses it when she can't figure a way out of an argument she's losing. Although how she can even make it to the bathroom and back is beyond The Baron's comprehension:
"Listen, Stephanie, I'm telling you, if you put that dry cleaner's bag over your head while you're driving, you'll just run over another crossing guard and get away with it because your dad is a rich cumfiend and your mom is a wealthy but vacuous piece of shit just like those girls on the hills who you want to be like even though they are fictional representations of stupid rich cunts and douchetards and you're a middle class sack-titted bitch with huge sunglasses, a fake tan and a superiority complex and you've willfully made yourself into a cum-filled ninny through years of reality television, you deluded, cock-biting waste of 110 pounds of meat! Will you please let me help you?'
"I'm good...' (batting her huge stupid eyelashes, above her blank bovine eyes beneath sunglasses as big as a car window.)
The Baron swore some 10 years ago that the 100,000th time he heard this phrase, he would murder an entire cubic city block (you heard The Baron right cubic, so don't think your hot air balloon makes you safe) no matter where he was, or what he was doing. Just a fair warning, the count is currently at 99,987, so be careful if you're around any shit-smeared assmasters or their dicktard cronies, especially if there is a vintage 1917 Zepplin parked nearby.
Well, two of these insipid sayings have refused to die and seem to get more and more irritating with each passing year:
1. Not so much (petulantly).
Holy shit, The Baron can't believe this phrase was ever popular. This is the kind of thing that a shit-dick heard on some ass-fisting sitcom and couldn't wait to use on his eurotrash butt-blasting friends. The Baron can just picture the little shitfuck and his gay ass white converse sneakers, black fitted jeans and mac glasses with slim flannel shirt and it makes him want to puke on god's front porch:
"Hey, Blake do you want to go rape a horse tonite?"
"Not so much" (some sort of shitty little smirk on his asshole covered face).
"Why not pookie?"
"I'd rather rape a goat they're easier to chase down!"
The Baron is blasting himself with cold water, in the lab safety shower, also he is naked, really, really naked.
2. I'm good (condescendingly)
Now that The Baron has puked up everything in his digestive tract, and yes that includes feces, and yes he's been eating 8 super burritos a day for weeks and hadn't dumped out in that entire time, we move on to the second cumbag phrase.
The Baron believes this "gem" may have come from "friends", or possibly "seinfeld". Generally the way these things work is that some comedy writers, who are not nearly as clever as they think they are come up with a possible catch-phrase and instantly begin groping and penetrating each other in the dingy sub-basement where they live and work.
If the verbal diarrhea passes muster it is extruded during the next airing of the sitcom in question. Usually, it gets stuck in the show's thick fur and becomes hard and sticky. The show crouches down and drags its ass across the assholish faces of its audience, rubbing the catchphrase-berry off in the process.
It's always some smug bitch ass cunt who belts this one out and she always uses it when she can't figure a way out of an argument she's losing. Although how she can even make it to the bathroom and back is beyond The Baron's comprehension:
"Listen, Stephanie, I'm telling you, if you put that dry cleaner's bag over your head while you're driving, you'll just run over another crossing guard and get away with it because your dad is a rich cumfiend and your mom is a wealthy but vacuous piece of shit just like those girls on the hills who you want to be like even though they are fictional representations of stupid rich cunts and douchetards and you're a middle class sack-titted bitch with huge sunglasses, a fake tan and a superiority complex and you've willfully made yourself into a cum-filled ninny through years of reality television, you deluded, cock-biting waste of 110 pounds of meat! Will you please let me help you?'
"I'm good...' (batting her huge stupid eyelashes, above her blank bovine eyes beneath sunglasses as big as a car window.)
The Baron swore some 10 years ago that the 100,000th time he heard this phrase, he would murder an entire cubic city block (you heard The Baron right cubic, so don't think your hot air balloon makes you safe) no matter where he was, or what he was doing. Just a fair warning, the count is currently at 99,987, so be careful if you're around any shit-smeared assmasters or their dicktard cronies, especially if there is a vintage 1917 Zepplin parked nearby.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
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