The Baron's Mail Box:

Dear The Baron,

I have a question that only you, with your limitless knowledge of all things important, can answer. This question has been keeping me up at night. My work life has suffered. My personal life has suffered. I'm suffering, y'hear?!!

How do the sensors on public restroom air freshener dispensers operate? Motion detectors? Olfactory or auditory sensors? Facial recognition? A cornucopia of the above?

Please advise.

Signed,
Up S Creek


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The Baron actually knows a lot about this topic because he's obsessed with asses. It's because of this advanced knowledge that he knows exactly how the devices in question operate. 

Interestingly, there are 2 separate subtypes of Fast Acting Restroom desTinkifiers (FART, patent pending). A male version and a female version.

The male version is a simple anemometer (wind propeller thingy) that measures gas flow and speed. Because men wizz, dump and fart in absolute silence (verbal silence) simply knowing the windspeed can tell the FART when to activate, usually every 3 seconds. 

Women on the other hand alway be running they mouth even in the shitter. Also they barely ever fart. So a simple anemometer would be inefficient and have many false positives. 

You see, gals save up a huge reservoir of gas (in their buttcheeks) and release it periodically in a blast of liquified supercritical gas. They usually do this at "yoga" which is their code word for the woods, deep deep in the woods. But sometimes, after a lot of guacamole and megaritas ladies may achieve "critical mass" in a heavily populated area.

As a result, lady FART's have to be powerful enough to quickly contain thousands of cubic meters of butt-propellant and must therefore use different parameters. In this case cheek tension is the gold standard and is measured by infrared scanner and an optical device which counts the number of horizontal wrinkles per vertical inch of ass in addition to crack depth and angle. 

For example, an extremely turgid gas-filled buttocks will have very few wrinkles, tall, flat cheeks and obtuse upper crack angles.

Of course the whole thing's flip-flopped in France......

I hope y'all learned something today and have a new appreciation for the woods, because brother, let me tell you, it's not just for housing bears....