Remember Conversion Vans?

Back when The Baron was a young duke, a sensational new vehicle craze swept through western New York state (but not new york city, because that place is full of assmasters, that's right RB, JF and DS, The Baron is referring to you!).

That craze was conversion vans.

You may remember seeing these road boats in a variety of places including cheap, utilitarian camp grounds, county fairs, walmart and fishy smelling lakes that people felt compelled to swim in for some reason.

These noble behemoths reigned for a period of exactly 10 years (1978-1988) until they were usurped by minivans. The Baron cries hot tears when he ponders the the demise of conversion van and recalls a yesteryear full of hope, contentment and sweaty perverts.

So come with The Baron as he walks down memory lane and reviews the 4 main types of conversion van and their varied and often sordid owners.

1. The Pederast's Paradise

This rusted out hulk can be found lurking at any large, public place with numerous exit routes, ample parking and shadowed view points. You've definitely seen one of these vans in your lifetime (probably in a suppressed childhood memory). They were invariably made by Ford and nearly all sported the classic dusty white paint job. They were driven by the discerning pedophile who realized that to operate on the fringes of society, he would have to live on the fringes of society in a triple purpose rolling home / dungeon / pedo-perch.

2. The Rolling Romp Pad

The Baron bets little Preston was pretty pleased with himself when dad handed over the keys to his aging lexus sedan, but Preston was a dull, dull boy. The real winner in the highschool car grab was young Travis who inherited a slightly rusted Starcraft vanliner from his parents. Do you know why gentle reader? Because Preston was stuck trying to plow miss school spirit in a cramped space the size of a kitchen counter in plain view of any passerby, while Travis could park, draw the curtains, walk back through the 2 rows of captain chairs and violate Peggy pigtails on a queen sized matress.

3. The Das Drugs.

Every highschool student and junky dropout shitweasel has a similar dilemma. Where to consume illegal intoxicants without being ganked by "the man"? Fortunately, the chevy van star was invented for just such purposes. Simply drive your rolling party wagon deep into the woods, throw open the double doors, pump some tunes and commence addling your brain and destroying your liver. You'll be safe from the police / parents, snugly surrounded by bears, cougars and Jason Vorhees in the all concealing forest.

4. The Second Bass Mobile.

Perhaps the most venerated conversion van of all time, The Second Bass Mobile represents everything that is good in this world. Boasting quadraphonic sound, a waterbed and now a strobe light, TSBM is a god among vans. It can serve any of the above purposes while simultaneously blowing your insignificant mind with defiant rock ballads from the 1970's. Do you dare say hello to The Second Bass Mobile? The Baron did once, and it showed him the true meaning of righteousness!