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The Baron just had to steady his nerves with 8 beers to even think about the original Ninja Gaiden video game on Nintendo.
So many bad memories, so many humiliations, so many digital penetrations (digital as in computers, not fingers you sick asshole!).
Ninja Gaiden remains one of the most difficult video games of all time. In fact The Baron thinks it should have been named "I thought Ninja were supposed to be deadlier than this Gaiden".
Most of the game is spent getting killed by random thugs, dogs and birds. That's right, fucking birds!!
But who is The Baron kidding, you've never even gotten past the first level because of this assmaster.
That cleaver fucker is apparently a bartender of some kind and also a huge sack of monkey shit. Apparently all you have to do to kill him is jump over and stab him in the back, but let's be serious, when we played this game we were little shithead kids and we had too much honor / too little cognitive ability to knife a fool in the back.
The Baron actually broke a controller upon being finger banged by this boss for the hundredth time in a single sitting. Well, you know what cleaver guy? Go fuck yourself!! You're still stuck in 1986 when the music was awesome, the babes had afros of pubes and everyone had a ton of money and drugs......
Hey! Wait a second........that sounds pretty awesome. DAMN YOU CLEAVER GUY!!
The Baron was on the train this morning with some of the most nausea inducing hipsters he's ever seen and it took all of his considerable strength to keep from throttling them to death with their own fucking red converse sneakers and goddamn retarded fedora hats with their stupid little satin things wrapped around their penis horking heads and those shit-blistering tight black jeans and those stupid chain wallet things that The Baron thought were only for d-bags in high school.
And another thing? Where do these smarmy, mac-glass wearing frog raping, namby-pamby, emaciated hipster "men" find those hideous, skeletal, coked out, pale as shit, buck toothed women?
And how come they all talk like a bunch of shit-faced assmasters, all high pitched and with too much inflection and then a ton of high nasal laughing?
Are they always high on paint fumes or are they laughing like retarded hyenas on purpose just to annoy the shit out of people?
Furthermore hipsters, do you think The Baron is threatened by the way you look and act? Is The Baron's narrow little mind supposed to be blown when you step on the train looking like an Ethiopian marathon runner on a crash diet? Well you know what hipsters?
FUCK YOU!
The Baron isn't intimidated by your shit!!! So cram your oversized headphones back on your gangly little skull and pump some indie / punk / utter horseshit music into your tiny, insignificant brain.
The day is fast approaching when The Baron will no longer abide by your constant, grating dick-wash and on that day you will all suffer a fate worse than death!!!!! The universe is a cold and uncaring void of pain and suffering but it will certainly make an exception for The Baron and an example out of you!
(Also, as a final insult Apple will go out of business the very instant you're gone.)
How dead of a celebrity can you dress up as for Halloween and still be borderline inappropriate yet also cheeky?
Just a hypothetical question.
Also how drunk could The Ba....I mean you be.......in theory?
Today The Baron would like to provide a valuable educational forum to try and keep his readers from committing language mistakes that make them look like fucking cretins. The 2 words and one phrase The Baron has chosen today are nearly always used improperly and will make people think you're a simpering ape.
1. Expresso
Jesus dinosaur raping christ! The Baron feels like this word is always used incorrectly and especially by assholes. Here's the real spelling:
ESpresso
See that "s"? Yeah that's how it's supposed to look. Fuckheads confuse the English word "express" with the Italian word "espresso" meaning pressed coffee. See? It has nothing to do with being fast or having a lot of caffeine (actually espresso has less caffeine than traditionally brewed coffee) so anyone who uses this bastardization is doubly retarded.
2. Electrocute
The Baron realizes that even a little shitfaced six year old can pronounce this word, but that's not the problem in this case. What is a problem is that people seem to have no fucking idea what it actually means even though it's all but spelled out in the fucking word itself! Most plebes believe that this word means to shock. My, my are you a retard if you think that. This word is actually a combination of two others (unlike the previous example). Do any of its components look familiar to you?
Electricity ( a term implying the passage of energy by charge movement)
Execute (a term indicating that a person is to be killed)
Electro-cute TADA!!!!!! To KILL with electrical current!
Well howdy-fucking do who would have thought that this one means exactly what it says it does.
3. Picked my interest
Holy shit is that ever wrong. How can you pick interest? Can you stick your finger inside your head and touch an abstract concept evolved from wet sacks of salt sending electrical signals to each other? If you can, you're probably some sort of dangerous mutant and must be eradicated.
Let The Baron enlighten you, the phrase is "piqued my interest". See that funny, kind of French looking word at the beginning? Well guess what? It is a French word meaning to arouse....as in your interest. Do you really, really hate the frogs and not want to use their language? Well then say it has aroused your interest because if you use pick instead, you'll look like a total douchebag, unless you're talking to a total douchebag who also doesn't know the difference.
Well there you have it. Now stop saying this kind of shit in front of The Baron or he'll shove a stoat up your ass.
As The Baron slowly recovers from self-induced weekend poisoning, he likes to reflect on the annoying little things he sees from time to time in his travels:
If you see a high school kid carrying a football around should you run up and try and slap it away? The coach wants him to work on his hands right?
A) You should always attempt to free the ball.
B) Only if you're of the same race.
C) Especially if you're the same race.
D) Especially if you're not the same race (to make it either more or less embarrassing).
E) All of the above.
What is an appropriate noise to make when a fat lady is about to sit on you on a train with too narrow seats?
A) A grunt of displeasure.
B) A grunt of surprise.
C) A grunt of lust.
D) A rumbling, frustrated, but resigned bellow.
E) "Is that free ham outside of the train?"
A hobo is making obnoxious comments and desperately trying to get a reaction out of someone so that he can launch into a tirade. What do you do?
A) Sit silently pretending to look at something with intense interest.
B) Get off at the next stop and get back on another car.
C) Preempt the hobo by viciously accosting the weakest looking person on the train.
D) A grunt of lust.
E) Pretend to have a heart attack, shitting and pissing yourself for effect.
Most of the game is spent getting killed by random thugs, dogs and birds. That's right, fucking birds!!
That cleaver fucker is apparently a bartender of some kind and also a huge sack of monkey shit. Apparently all you have to do to kill him is jump over and stab him in the back, but let's be serious, when we played this game we were little shithead kids and we had too much honor / too little cognitive ability to knife a fool in the back.
