Awesome TV Dads in History : Jack Arnold

Remember the Wonder Years? No, not the time The Baron spent impregnating the most beautiful women of southeast Asia (1999-2002), the show!

The Baron has ridiculously fond memories of this seminal American television series even though he could in no way relate to growing up in a prefab housing development in the waning days of the 1960's.

It wasn't the plots, or the angst or the heart warming family moments that appealed to The Baron. In fact he was repelled by these factors.

Rather, The Baron was highly amused by Kevin's dad, the dictatorial Jack Arnold. He was a no-nonsense Korean war veteran with a penchant for launching into tirades of sublime beauty and intricacy. Any little thing could throw him off the handle from a poorly cooked roast to Kevin finger-banging the neighbor's cat.

In fact, Jack Arnold was such an effective and domineering character that The Baron was not even aware that the Wonder Years was a comedy until he brought up the wiki.

Now, Jack Arnold's rage was completely understandable. His youngest son, Kevin, was a complete shit head and was always getting into some kind of vaguely homosexual trouble. His eldest son Wayne, was a tremendous assmaster and if the show had continued he would have ended up in jail for statutory rape or something.

The Baron's favorite instance of Kevin's dad being a stupendous dick is the episode where the two are driving around and get a flat tire. Well, the lugnuts on the wheel were firmly rusted on and good old Jack couldn't get them loose. Naturally, he became angrier than a roughly fisted pitbull and harangued the living shit out of Kevin.

They have a long discussion about how hard life is and blah, blah blah and then Kevin asks to have a shot with the lug wrench. The dad gives him a look which loudly blares "What?! My little pussy of a son is going to try and get this wheel off? As if, you weak little vagina!"

Kevin gives it his all and the lugnut finally turns. There is a long pause during which Jack's face shows only consternation. The Baron would have put a thousand dollars on Jack pouncing on and throttling his son to death...but...but he's happy instead.

You might think that The Baron would be disappointed with this outcome, but that is far from the truth. You see before when Jack ripped on Kevin it was because everything he did was a colossal failure and he proved week after week what a gaping snooter he was.

Finally Kevin had done something worthwhile and his dad thought for the first time in his life "Maybe this kid is alright. Maybe he'll grow up to be an insufferable drunken wife-beater like his father."

The Baron likes to imagine that the pair stopped off at a bar on the way home and Jack forced Kevin to drink 8 beers while he told him sexual stories, war anecdotes and combinations of the two.

On that drunken car ride home as Jack wove between the lines, he would have leaned in towards Kevin, handed him a bag of condoms and said "Now go fuck the shit out of that neighbor girl!".

The Baron thinks he has some dust in his eye....