Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
4 Ways Being Pregnant is the Same Thing as Having Worms
The Baron was watching mythbusters, the best show on television the other night when he noticed something highly disturbing. Kari Byron aka The Baron's most coveted #002 is pregnant! The Baron spat out an entire liter of vodka when he saw her glorious tummy bulging under the pressure of a mammalian parasite. Many many questions came to mind. Questions such as, how did she get pregnant when The Baron hasn't been to California in 2 years? After hours of speculation concerning accidentally busting in pre-addressed envelopes and packages The Baron came to the conclusion that his sperm used quantum entanglement to reach Kari without his knowledge. It's really the only option that makes sense.
Furthermore, The Baron would like to expand on this parasite angle by informing everyone of 4 ways that being pregnant is no better than having intestinal worms or lice.
1. Feeding on blood: Babies are connected to their mother by a disgusting heap of blood vessels know as the placenta. This proboscis of sorts, allows the fetus to feed on the host's blood at will, thus robbing her of all the choicest nutrients.
Parasite equivalent: You name it, although The Baron thinks crotch crickets are particularly appropriate. Crabs are pretty much the only way that getting your groin sucked could possibly be a bad thing.
2. Fattening the host: The fetus sends powerful chemical signals through its placenta to the mother which cause her to crave certain types of foods which the baby requires to complete its pupal stage. This combined with the societal more that preggo ladies should eat their faces off combines to pack on an often irreversible 26 pounds on average. Now, the baby itself needs barely any energy at roughly 50,000 calories for a healthy, full term fetus. That boils down to about 185 calories a day. Those 26 pounds of fat weigh in at a staggering 91,000 calories meaning that in addition to a normal 2,185 calorie diet to maintain the mother and parasite, she's eating an extra 150 calories a day! Slow it down ladies!
Parasite equivalent: Lymphatic filariasis e.g elephantism. Blech these gross little fuckers make you fat for a different reason but still look at how fucking gross that is!
3. Behavioral modification: See the food cravings above and add that the fetus and its awful, awful placenta become the primary source of many hormones during pregnancy effectively controlling the mother's mood, appetite, and physiological parameters. In fact, post partum depression is thought to be caused by the sudden withdrawal of fetal hormones. So the next time you're thinking of drowning your baby remember that it is their fault you feel like shit (also you're probably a crazy bitch).
Parasite equivalent: Toxoplasma gondii. You get this shit from cats usually, and they get it from rats. It needs to be in the gut of a feline to reproduce. And how do you think it gets there? Why mind control of course! When rats are infected it goes straight to their brain and inhibits their fear of light and of open spaces and also of cats. So those poor fucking rodents walk right up to Mr.Whiskerton ready to be eaten, and eaten they are. Then captain pussy pants shits all over your house and infects you. 33% of people are infected with toxoplasma. Does it go straight to your brain? You bet. No behavioral side effects have yet been documented, and it is thought that the parasite is in fact beneficial and of great value to the huuu-mohn race (winking in an awkward and disquieting manner)......
4. Immune system suppression: Here's the kicker. If not for a slew of devious tricks perpetrated by the deeply embedded fetus, the mother's body would recognize it as foreign and attack it mercilessly. Problem solved though. Those little bastards make an insidious stew of immuno-suppressive chemicals to prevent the host body from attacking them. These render the mother prone to reactivation of latent infections which can have a regular old block party now that the immune police are drunk on baby juice and crashing their squad cells into storefronts and orphanages.
Parasite equivalent: Malaria. Ever wondered why a shit ton of people have malaria and they never seem to become immune to it over time? Yo. This little bastard actively suppresses the host immune system as well. This allows it to form latent infection in the liver and also to continue reinfecting anyone unfortunate enough to get proboscis raped by a hungry mosquito.
Well, there you have it. Still want to get knocked up? The Baron didn't think so.....
Furthermore, The Baron would like to expand on this parasite angle by informing everyone of 4 ways that being pregnant is no better than having intestinal worms or lice.1. Feeding on blood: Babies are connected to their mother by a disgusting heap of blood vessels know as the placenta. This proboscis of sorts, allows the fetus to feed on the host's blood at will, thus robbing her of all the choicest nutrients.
Parasite equivalent: You name it, although The Baron thinks crotch crickets are particularly appropriate. Crabs are pretty much the only way that getting your groin sucked could possibly be a bad thing.2. Fattening the host: The fetus sends powerful chemical signals through its placenta to the mother which cause her to crave certain types of foods which the baby requires to complete its pupal stage. This combined with the societal more that preggo ladies should eat their faces off combines to pack on an often irreversible 26 pounds on average. Now, the baby itself needs barely any energy at roughly 50,000 calories for a healthy, full term fetus. That boils down to about 185 calories a day. Those 26 pounds of fat weigh in at a staggering 91,000 calories meaning that in addition to a normal 2,185 calorie diet to maintain the mother and parasite, she's eating an extra 150 calories a day! Slow it down ladies!
Parasite equivalent: Lymphatic filariasis e.g elephantism. Blech these gross little fuckers make you fat for a different reason but still look at how fucking gross that is!
3. Behavioral modification: See the food cravings above and add that the fetus and its awful, awful placenta become the primary source of many hormones during pregnancy effectively controlling the mother's mood, appetite, and physiological parameters. In fact, post partum depression is thought to be caused by the sudden withdrawal of fetal hormones. So the next time you're thinking of drowning your baby remember that it is their fault you feel like shit (also you're probably a crazy bitch).Parasite equivalent: Toxoplasma gondii. You get this shit from cats usually, and they get it from rats. It needs to be in the gut of a feline to reproduce. And how do you think it gets there? Why mind control of course! When rats are infected it goes straight to their brain and inhibits their fear of light and of open spaces and also of cats. So those poor fucking rodents walk right up to Mr.Whiskerton ready to be eaten, and eaten they are. Then captain pussy pants shits all over your house and infects you. 33% of people are infected with toxoplasma. Does it go straight to your brain? You bet. No behavioral side effects have yet been documented, and it is thought that the parasite is in fact beneficial and of great value to the huuu-mohn race (winking in an awkward and disquieting manner)......
4. Immune system suppression: Here's the kicker. If not for a slew of devious tricks perpetrated by the deeply embedded fetus, the mother's body would recognize it as foreign and attack it mercilessly. Problem solved though. Those little bastards make an insidious stew of immuno-suppressive chemicals to prevent the host body from attacking them. These render the mother prone to reactivation of latent infections which can have a regular old block party now that the immune police are drunk on baby juice and crashing their squad cells into storefronts and orphanages.
Parasite equivalent: Malaria. Ever wondered why a shit ton of people have malaria and they never seem to become immune to it over time? Yo. This little bastard actively suppresses the host immune system as well. This allows it to form latent infection in the liver and also to continue reinfecting anyone unfortunate enough to get proboscis raped by a hungry mosquito.
Well, there you have it. Still want to get knocked up? The Baron didn't think so.....
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Most Serious Human Rights Violation of All Time
The Baron would like to be serious for a moment. Please remove your hats and stop masturbating for a few minutes (really just slow it down to a maintenance speed until The Baron is done).
The most egregious raping of human liberty in the history of the world is taking place in Australia as we speak.
The Baron doesn't even know if he can get through this.......ok, here we go:
Racing Fans "Limited" to 24 Beers a Day.
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE59558U20091006?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69
Good lord, The Baron just vomited all over his crotch. The injustice, the humiliation! How could a benevolent god ever allow this travesty to occur?
And what's with those quotes around limited? Do you think this is a fucking joke rueters!? Well I don't hear anyone laughing......DO YOU!!!!!????
As any person who has ever been to an automobile race knows, heroic alcohol consumption is as important as the tires, or the gas, or the ruthlessly effective advertising. You can't have a NASCAR race without 90,000 drunken fans flashing their tits and fighting each other in sprawling gravel parking lots any more than you can have a robot handjob without copious 30 weight oil.
The Baron has just crossed that ridiculous southern continent off of his "remember to spare (if not too drunk or lazy) list"
What happened to you Australia? You used to be cool.
The most egregious raping of human liberty in the history of the world is taking place in Australia as we speak.
The Baron doesn't even know if he can get through this.......ok, here we go:
Racing Fans "Limited" to 24 Beers a Day.
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE59558U20091006?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69
Good lord, The Baron just vomited all over his crotch. The injustice, the humiliation! How could a benevolent god ever allow this travesty to occur?
And what's with those quotes around limited? Do you think this is a fucking joke rueters!? Well I don't hear anyone laughing......DO YOU!!!!!????
As any person who has ever been to an automobile race knows, heroic alcohol consumption is as important as the tires, or the gas, or the ruthlessly effective advertising. You can't have a NASCAR race without 90,000 drunken fans flashing their tits and fighting each other in sprawling gravel parking lots any more than you can have a robot handjob without copious 30 weight oil.
The Baron has just crossed that ridiculous southern continent off of his "remember to spare (if not too drunk or lazy) list"
What happened to you Australia? You used to be cool.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Great Facial Hair in History : Ambrose Burnside
Today we honor one of the greats and a perpetual innovator in the theory of facial hair. Ambrose Burnside was born in the golden age of chops and left his mark on the field by proving the Chops Thickness Axiom (the CTA) as well as many other mustache related proofs.
Unbeknown to most facial hair researchers and aficionados is the fact that Ambrose suffered from dyslexia. Interpreting assmaster as masterass, shit-dick as dick-shit (if you've never taken a dump through your weiner try shoving some food up there. p.s. your wang will get huge!) and his own last name Burnside as Sideburn.
Here's what wikipedia says about it:
"His distinctive style of facial hair is now known as sideburns, derived from his last name."
In actuality Ambrose had an epiphany while castrating a large horse with his bare hands, and as if by divine inspiration, realized what sideburns were intended to be. Thus the young Ambrose strove to live up to his family name and cultivated one of the most majestic chops/mustache combos that the world has ever seen. All the while he would inform anyone who would listen that they were called sideburns, just like his last name, and then he would fuck all of their female relatives in a single night rendering them ridiculously pregnant.
He was in the civil war or something, so he probably killed a bunch of dudes with his mustache mounted bayonet (a four foot long watered steel blade nicknamed Sargent Stabby).
Ambrose had a long and distinguished career of mustache having and had thousands of illegitimate children by an equally large number of women. On his death bed he was as ferocious as on the battlefield. As he lay ailing (mustache emergency medicine was a primitive field at the time) an aid recorded his last words.
"I Ambrose Sideburn have had many women on my mustache..."
At this point in the dictation the aid was heard to say:
"Don't you mean Burnside?"
Ambrose beckoned the man to come closer and speak into his good ear. As the man approached and lowered his face to the legendary man's, Burnside:
"...shot up like a snake catching the scribe's jowl in his mighty jaws and did then tear free fully half of the unfortunate man's face. There was much blood and terrible screaming before the man fell dead from shock. Ambrose's hunting dogs began feasting on the slain man as Burnside, I mean Sideburn died. His chops lived on for an additional 3 days, quivering and attempting to dislodge themselves from the dead man's face."
Well there you have it. Need The Baron say any more about this entrepreneur of modern facial hair? He thought not.
Unbeknown to most facial hair researchers and aficionados is the fact that Ambrose suffered from dyslexia. Interpreting assmaster as masterass, shit-dick as dick-shit (if you've never taken a dump through your weiner try shoving some food up there. p.s. your wang will get huge!) and his own last name Burnside as Sideburn.
Here's what wikipedia says about it:
"His distinctive style of facial hair is now known as sideburns, derived from his last name."
In actuality Ambrose had an epiphany while castrating a large horse with his bare hands, and as if by divine inspiration, realized what sideburns were intended to be. Thus the young Ambrose strove to live up to his family name and cultivated one of the most majestic chops/mustache combos that the world has ever seen. All the while he would inform anyone who would listen that they were called sideburns, just like his last name, and then he would fuck all of their female relatives in a single night rendering them ridiculously pregnant.
He was in the civil war or something, so he probably killed a bunch of dudes with his mustache mounted bayonet (a four foot long watered steel blade nicknamed Sargent Stabby).
Ambrose had a long and distinguished career of mustache having and had thousands of illegitimate children by an equally large number of women. On his death bed he was as ferocious as on the battlefield. As he lay ailing (mustache emergency medicine was a primitive field at the time) an aid recorded his last words."I Ambrose Sideburn have had many women on my mustache..."
At this point in the dictation the aid was heard to say:
"Don't you mean Burnside?"
Ambrose beckoned the man to come closer and speak into his good ear. As the man approached and lowered his face to the legendary man's, Burnside:
"...shot up like a snake catching the scribe's jowl in his mighty jaws and did then tear free fully half of the unfortunate man's face. There was much blood and terrible screaming before the man fell dead from shock. Ambrose's hunting dogs began feasting on the slain man as Burnside, I mean Sideburn died. His chops lived on for an additional 3 days, quivering and attempting to dislodge themselves from the dead man's face."
Well there you have it. Need The Baron say any more about this entrepreneur of modern facial hair? He thought not.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Baron's College Extravaganza
This summer...Rather this weekend, see The Baron in his wackiest adventure yet as he hauls his perfect ass back to college!
He's got a score to settle with the power hungry dean that will culminate in a series of adventures so wacky, so unbelievable that they could only happen in a The Baron's Lampoon production.
He'll laugh, he'll live, he'll pork and along the way maybe he'll learn a lesson or two.
For one weekend only in amazing Bonertron 3D! You'll swear you can feel The Baron's Ponderous Pickle roughly jabbing you in the cheek while his mighty sack rests like a cape over your shoulders. The perfect family movie!
A simple 5 hour drive from Boston into the wilds of New York State deep in the heart of Chesneyland.
See you on Monday if The Baron doesn't see you in his latest comedic adventure, and yes, he's talking to you Shermster.
He's got a score to settle with the power hungry dean that will culminate in a series of adventures so wacky, so unbelievable that they could only happen in a The Baron's Lampoon production.
He'll laugh, he'll live, he'll pork and along the way maybe he'll learn a lesson or two.
For one weekend only in amazing Bonertron 3D! You'll swear you can feel The Baron's Ponderous Pickle roughly jabbing you in the cheek while his mighty sack rests like a cape over your shoulders. The perfect family movie!
A simple 5 hour drive from Boston into the wilds of New York State deep in the heart of Chesneyland.
See you on Monday if The Baron doesn't see you in his latest comedic adventure, and yes, he's talking to you Shermster.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Kenny Chesney Might be the Cleverest Future Dictator of All Time
Everyone has heard of Kenny Chesney. However, not everyone can see his true intentions.
The Baron however is on to him. You hear that Chesney?! The Baron knows who you ARE!!!!
He is not the lovable, somewhat silly, possibly gay, ultra-popular country singer he pretends to be. Rather he is the most devious, diabolical man in the history of the world.
Take a look at a sample of lyrics from "Summertime" with The Baron's play by play analysis:
School's out and the and the night's roll in: Immediate, almost involuntary waves of warmth spread from nearly every person remembering the last day in elementary, middle or high school. Off the rip, we can all identify with this magical man. This is extremely dangerous.
And it's two bare feet on the dashboard, young love and an old Ford: Again all extremely pleasant memories for most people. Young reckless relaxation, your first car, giddy, fumbling, clumsy, potentially illegal teenage nookie.
Perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it's one we know: Universally pleasurable experiences.
Bikini bottoms underneath, but the boys hearts still skip a beat, when them girls shimmy off them old cut offs: Holy shit, this literally gave The Baron a telephone pole sized pickle and he knows Kenny's fucking trick! This is highly dangerous. Men will fondly remember literally every one of their thousands of teenage boners and women will remember wearing comfortable underwear that they could pee in.
Are you seeing the connection? Not only does Kenny Chesney have a rabid southern and midwest and southwest and the rural part of literally every state following, but he can even fool normal people into liking the shit out of his songs with ultra-virulent, brain-fuckingly hypnotic lyrics.
Consider the final verse and you'll see what The Baron is talking about:
Perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it's one we know, gather in denver, at my signal, it's a glorious coup, it's a thousand year reign, sweet summertime.
Holy shit right?!
Do you see as The Baron sees, or are you already too far inside his pocket? One thing's for sure, Kenny Chesney is some sort of dark wizard, or possibly one of the great old gods, returned to Earth to exert his brutal being upon humanity.
But then again, The Baron has an irresistible urge to obey Overlord Chesney and join in his triumphant disemboweling of the ENTRENCHED PLUTOCRATS WHO HAVE FOR TOO LONG OBSCURED THE LIGHT OF TRUTH!! THEIR GRUESOME DEATHS WILL MARK THE TRANSCENDENCE OF OUR NEW DARK LORD!! ALL HAIL CHESNEY!!!!
(The Baron is just playing along while he musters his own army. There will be periodic Zepplin drops of supplies and counter propaganda. See your recruiting drone, or feel free to tackle Colonel Battlemaster with your questions).
The Baron however is on to him. You hear that Chesney?! The Baron knows who you ARE!!!!
He is not the lovable, somewhat silly, possibly gay, ultra-popular country singer he pretends to be. Rather he is the most devious, diabolical man in the history of the world.
Take a look at a sample of lyrics from "Summertime" with The Baron's play by play analysis:
School's out and the and the night's roll in: Immediate, almost involuntary waves of warmth spread from nearly every person remembering the last day in elementary, middle or high school. Off the rip, we can all identify with this magical man. This is extremely dangerous.
And it's two bare feet on the dashboard, young love and an old Ford: Again all extremely pleasant memories for most people. Young reckless relaxation, your first car, giddy, fumbling, clumsy, potentially illegal teenage nookie.
Perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it's one we know: Universally pleasurable experiences.
Bikini bottoms underneath, but the boys hearts still skip a beat, when them girls shimmy off them old cut offs: Holy shit, this literally gave The Baron a telephone pole sized pickle and he knows Kenny's fucking trick! This is highly dangerous. Men will fondly remember literally every one of their thousands of teenage boners and women will remember wearing comfortable underwear that they could pee in.
Are you seeing the connection? Not only does Kenny Chesney have a rabid southern and midwest and southwest and the rural part of literally every state following, but he can even fool normal people into liking the shit out of his songs with ultra-virulent, brain-fuckingly hypnotic lyrics.
Consider the final verse and you'll see what The Baron is talking about:
Perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it's one we know, gather in denver, at my signal, it's a glorious coup, it's a thousand year reign, sweet summertime.
Holy shit right?!
Do you see as The Baron sees, or are you already too far inside his pocket? One thing's for sure, Kenny Chesney is some sort of dark wizard, or possibly one of the great old gods, returned to Earth to exert his brutal being upon humanity.
But then again, The Baron has an irresistible urge to obey Overlord Chesney and join in his triumphant disemboweling of the ENTRENCHED PLUTOCRATS WHO HAVE FOR TOO LONG OBSCURED THE LIGHT OF TRUTH!! THEIR GRUESOME DEATHS WILL MARK THE TRANSCENDENCE OF OUR NEW DARK LORD!! ALL HAIL CHESNEY!!!!
(The Baron is just playing along while he musters his own army. There will be periodic Zepplin drops of supplies and counter propaganda. See your recruiting drone, or feel free to tackle Colonel Battlemaster with your questions).
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