Great Facial Hair in History : Ambrose Burnside

Today we honor one of the greats and a perpetual innovator in the theory of facial hair. Ambrose Burnside was born in the golden age of chops and left his mark on the field by proving the Chops Thickness Axiom (the CTA) as well as many other mustache related proofs.

Unbeknown to most facial hair researchers and aficionados is the fact that Ambrose suffered from dyslexia. Interpreting assmaster as masterass, shit-dick as dick-shit (if you've never taken a dump through your weiner try shoving some food up there. p.s. your wang will get huge!) and his own last name Burnside as Sideburn.

Here's what wikipedia says about it:

"His distinctive style of facial hair is now known as sideburns, derived from his last name."

In actuality Ambrose had an epiphany while castrating a large horse with his bare hands, and as if by divine inspiration, realized what sideburns were intended to be. Thus the young Ambrose strove to live up to his family name and cultivated one of the most majestic chops/mustache combos that the world has ever seen. All the while he would inform anyone who would listen that they were called sideburns, just like his last name, and then he would fuck all of their female relatives in a single night rendering them ridiculously pregnant.

He was in the civil war or something, so he probably killed a bunch of dudes with his mustache mounted bayonet (a four foot long watered steel blade nicknamed Sargent Stabby).

Ambrose had a long and distinguished career of mustache having and had thousands of illegitimate children by an equally large number of women. On his death bed he was as ferocious as on the battlefield. As he lay ailing (mustache emergency medicine was a primitive field at the time) an aid recorded his last words.

"I Ambrose Sideburn have had many women on my mustache..."

At this point in the dictation the aid was heard to say:

"Don't you mean Burnside?"

Ambrose beckoned the man to come closer and speak into his good ear. As the man approached and lowered his face to the legendary man's, Burnside:

"...shot up like a snake catching the scribe's jowl in his mighty jaws and did then tear free fully half of the unfortunate man's face. There was much blood and terrible screaming before the man fell dead from shock. Ambrose's hunting dogs began feasting on the slain man as Burnside, I mean Sideburn died. His chops lived on for an additional 3 days, quivering and attempting to dislodge themselves from the dead man's face."

Well there you have it. Need The Baron say any more about this entrepreneur of modern facial hair? He thought not.