As you can imagine The Baron vomited with rage when he found out what kind of vampires were actually popularized. The fruity, mincing twilight kind. This disgusts The Baron for a number of reasons the least grievous of which is that The Baron hates when well-off teenagers dress up in black, wear makeup and lament their awful lives.
To prevent any confusion as to what constitutes a "cool" vampire, The Baron has assembled a brief educational panel.
The subjects for today's lecture are as follows:
Proinsias Cassidy (Cassidy for short) : The Baron will forgive you if you've never heard of this particular vampire. He was popularized in the spectacularly badass graphic novel Preacher which The Baron read as a young man (last year). The subject matter of this series is : murder, drinking, sex, drinking, guns, sex, drinking and murder.
Edward Mincypants (not to be confused with scissorhands): A pathetic, malnourished looking emo son of a bitch with glittery skin. The Baron can't fault his choice of jailbait as potential sexual partner except for two facts. A) The guy is apparently like 90 or something and B) Edward basically avoids having sex with her at all costs despite the fact that he is a soulless abomination (or at least he should be).
Topic #1 : Their faces:
Panel A: Note that Cassidy looks A) Insane, B) Covered in blood and C) really, really happy to be covered in blood. Also note the sunglasses, that's a nice touch, especially if he wears them at night (he does).Panel B: Edward. Might as well be on a GQ cover. The Baron has never seen a vampire look so A) Mopey, B) Dramaish and C) Metrosexual. Seriously would you be a morose, introverted misanthrope if your life was endless and you spent your time hanging out at a highschool populated with attractive young women whom you could bone to your heart's content? Edward should drop the whole "tragedy of the undead shit" and pick up the Matthew McConaughey philosophy in Dazed and Confused "That's what I love about high school girls, I keep getting older and they stay the same age."
Topic #2: Their friends
Panel A: Not really much to say about Cassidy's friends. Badass priest with a penchant for drinking, fighting and fucking, especially fucking. Hot, hot slut who enjoys guns, booze, smoking and also fucking, plenty of fucking.Panel B: As you can see from the figure legend Edward is friends with one hot mousey girl who he for some reason refuses to fuck. Some jock asshole (or perhaps a villlian, who really knows, the movies and books are intolerable) and not one, not two but three chubby drama chicks. Actually The Baron's not even sure that the last one is a chick, so we'll call it a groy/birl.
Topic #3: Drink of choice
Panel A: Yup, a pint glass of blood. As far as The Baron remembers though, Cassidy barely ever drinks blood. Whats that you say? "I thought he was a vampire...a cool vampire." Now hold your horses there slugger. The thing that Cassidy really likes to drink is tremendous amounts of alcohol. Beer, whiskey, vodka every variety you can imagine. Oh yeah and since he's immortal he drinks a shit ton of it. The Baron would drink 100 beers a night if he knew it wouldn't kill him.Panel B: A red, sloppy looking cocktail. This is the first image that came up for "twilight drink" and it's a hell of a thing. Note the dyed red apple slices? The Baron will let you in on a secret. The only drink it's acceptable to have a piece of fruit in or on is a Mexican beer (or an American beer cleverly marketed as Mexican to such a thorough degree that everyone believes cinco de mayo has always been a huge holiday in Latin America). The Baron is truly, truly disgusted, but what can you expect from a character made up by a mormon lady.
There you have it. Hopefully in the future when you encounter a vampire (real or depicted) you'll know when to give a thumbs up and approving nod and when to flash double middle finger broadside with a scowl barely discernible because of the verbal tirade you should be launching.
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