So The Baron was sitting on the train this morning, scowling and glaring at strangers when a pair of asstards sat down next to him. Mind you there were plenty of open seats. One dickbag sat a seat away, the other dick bag looked around for a while and then basically sat in The Baron's lap.
Now The Baron understands that from time to time, random women are going to feel irresistible urges to take his lap for a ride. But douchey men?! Obviously The Baron's ire was at near explosive levels at this point.
And then....and then, the conversation.....
(In loud, unbelievably prickish voices)
Assholefaced-cretin : So did you talk to Steph this weekend?
Butthole-covered cum enrusted assmaster: Yeah she kept complaining about having to go back to Yale.
Assholefaced-cretin: I can totally understand, Yale is a shithole. Why couldn't she get into Berkley?
Butthole-covered cum enrusted assmaster: I know, totally. I mean it's not as nice there as in Santa Monica but at least there aren't as many Mexicans. But anyway I told her that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
(chortling laughter) ((also both were wearing suits and one had a hiking backpack on.)) (((The Baron despises hiking backpacks they are for elephant-handjob-technicians)))
The Baron was literally shitting with a mixture or rage, contempt and blood lust at this point. He has heard some pretty awful douchebag conversations in his day, but this one took the cake for a number of reasons:
1. Both of these cock-mongers resembled Spencer "The Otter Fister" Pratt.
2. The hiking backpack previously mentioned.
3. The suits.
4. The sound of their goddamn asshole voices, like an episode of Laguna Beach.
5. Mentions of California being superior. Literally every white person wishes they lived there.
6. Guess who's on the train at 630AM along with The Baron. Mexicans. Literally just The Baron and a bunch of Mexicans on their way to work. Anyone with half a brain could see that we were the only three non-hispanics on the train. The Baron's close proximity to these meat-piles made him nervous that there would be some guilt by association.
There you have it. Fucking cockbags ruining The Baron's commute yet again.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
2 Types of Car Accidents That Are Gender Specific
Male: The synchronized slam into an overpass support column at 120 miles an hour: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/2007/10/at_least_one_de.html
This news story is always titled "police suspect racing led to fatal accident". Give The Baron a fucking break! When a pair of cars simultaneously momentum-fuck a thick slab of concrete at the maximum speed of a souped up Toyota shit box there can be no question as to whether there was racing going on. This is the classic male accident type the "There's a pedal for slowing down now!!??". For some reason, young males, especially scumbags, have an instinctual need to reduce themselves to a chunky red goo oozing out of a space which is seemingly too small to contain an entire person. In the olden days this usually involved a thresher / bronco / stage coach accident. Now we have the modern convenience of multiple ton, high velocity gooification machines, otherwise known as cars. No female has ever been the driver in one of these accidents, or for that matter the passenger, because when you're racing for the recognition of your 6 dicktard friends, you don't want some huge flappy vag slowing you down.
Female: The drive off the roof of a parking garage: http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/06/was_springfield_garage_from_wh.html
Here's another popular news story "car lands upside down after parking garage plunge." What happens is the driver forgets that the car is in reverse or that the car is in forward or which pedal is the brake and which is the gas, or a combination of one or two with three. This is a classically female accident because of a sad phenomenon The Baron likes to call the "Why the fuck are you driving an automatic car using both feet!!??" Literally the only way you can accidentally hit the wrong pedal is if you keep your left foot on the brake and right foot on the gas. This is goat-fuckingly wrong and yet an infuriatingly large number of women drive this way. What's worse is when you point out how stupid this is, they say something like "Whatever....what's the worst that could happen?".
P.S. If you read the story, you'll see that the police were trying to blame the parking garage. You're going away for a long time you goddamn parking structure!!!!
This news story is always titled "police suspect racing led to fatal accident". Give The Baron a fucking break! When a pair of cars simultaneously momentum-fuck a thick slab of concrete at the maximum speed of a souped up Toyota shit box there can be no question as to whether there was racing going on. This is the classic male accident type the "There's a pedal for slowing down now!!??". For some reason, young males, especially scumbags, have an instinctual need to reduce themselves to a chunky red goo oozing out of a space which is seemingly too small to contain an entire person. In the olden days this usually involved a thresher / bronco / stage coach accident. Now we have the modern convenience of multiple ton, high velocity gooification machines, otherwise known as cars. No female has ever been the driver in one of these accidents, or for that matter the passenger, because when you're racing for the recognition of your 6 dicktard friends, you don't want some huge flappy vag slowing you down.
Female: The drive off the roof of a parking garage: http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/06/was_springfield_garage_from_wh.html
Here's another popular news story "car lands upside down after parking garage plunge." What happens is the driver forgets that the car is in reverse or that the car is in forward or which pedal is the brake and which is the gas, or a combination of one or two with three. This is a classically female accident because of a sad phenomenon The Baron likes to call the "Why the fuck are you driving an automatic car using both feet!!??" Literally the only way you can accidentally hit the wrong pedal is if you keep your left foot on the brake and right foot on the gas. This is goat-fuckingly wrong and yet an infuriatingly large number of women drive this way. What's worse is when you point out how stupid this is, they say something like "Whatever....what's the worst that could happen?".
P.S. If you read the story, you'll see that the police were trying to blame the parking garage. You're going away for a long time you goddamn parking structure!!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Hills Automaton Stephanie Pratt Arrested For Alleged DUI
Bwahahahahahhaha!!!
That's how hard The Baron would have laughed at the above mentioned news story if it wasn't for two key factors.
1) Despite the fact that SP was arrested for attempted attempted murder she will literally face no consequences for her actions. The Baron would be surprised if the police didn't start killing all the eyewitnesses who saw her being detained so that they can later deny it ever happened. The Baron is also offended that they used the word "star". People who "act" on "The Hills" are not the stars of anything, they are duchetards and duchetardettes, nothing more.
2) Dear old Steph was not arrested for a DUI.........she was arrested for Spontaneous Vaginal Singularity Formation (SVSF). This highly dangerous condition occurs when a young, airheaded meatpile become so convinced of her/his own superiority that they launch a vicious tirade of tweets at such a tremendous density that they initiate a black hole in their cavernous snooters/buttholes. This causes a dangerous situation requiring the quarantining of the affected dick-bag/bagette. Basically, the police were forced to isolate Ms.Pratt and cram desk chairs, basketballs and perhaps coffee tables into her gaping void to try and satiate her voracious hole.
It's only a matter of time before her brother, Satan Pratt develops a world ending SVSF and pulls everyone, including himself, deep inside his tremendous anus.
and / or
That's how hard The Baron would have laughed at the above mentioned news story if it wasn't for two key factors.
1) Despite the fact that SP was arrested for attempted attempted murder she will literally face no consequences for her actions. The Baron would be surprised if the police didn't start killing all the eyewitnesses who saw her being detained so that they can later deny it ever happened. The Baron is also offended that they used the word "star". People who "act" on "The Hills" are not the stars of anything, they are duchetards and duchetardettes, nothing more.
2) Dear old Steph was not arrested for a DUI.........she was arrested for Spontaneous Vaginal Singularity Formation (SVSF). This highly dangerous condition occurs when a young, airheaded meatpile become so convinced of her/his own superiority that they launch a vicious tirade of tweets at such a tremendous density that they initiate a black hole in their cavernous snooters/buttholes. This causes a dangerous situation requiring the quarantining of the affected dick-bag/bagette. Basically, the police were forced to isolate Ms.Pratt and cram desk chairs, basketballs and perhaps coffee tables into her gaping void to try and satiate her voracious hole.
It's only a matter of time before her brother, Satan Pratt develops a world ending SVSF and pulls everyone, including himself, deep inside his tremendous anus.
and / or
Friday, October 16, 2009
Things The Baron Hates: Wheely Bags Anywhere But At The Airport Or On The Way To The Airport
As you may now know, The Baron has a healthy hatred of anything and anyone that hinders his travels in even the slightest way. Wheely bag users are no exception.
The Baron remembers a time when people had to lug classic style suitcases through the airport check in lines. He remembers that it sucked sloppy, uncircumcised weiner. Therefore, The Baron was not at all displeased with the addition of wheels to nearly every suitcase starting in about 1997.
The Baron often wonders what the fuck took the suitcase magnates so goddamn long to think that something heavy and cumbersome might work better if it had wheels. It worked for cars, lawnmowers, bikes, trains, planes, wheelbarrows, oxcarts.....are you retarded Samsonite?
However, the fact that The Baron enjoys not having to carry the full weight of a suitcase does not mean that he universally likes rolly bags. In fact, in the vast majority of situations, The Baron hates the ever loving shit out of them.
Example:
1. You're a mouth breathing, goat fondling assmaster. You're on a train. It's crowded. You have a backpack. It barely weighs enough to stifle an infant. Yet...Yet...you have some stupid, pansy assed handle extended and you're wheeling it around on the floor like it's full of lead bricks. Also, you're standing in the doorway blocking the egress of The Baron and some other filthy barely sentient plebes. You should be thrown in the rapeosaurus pit you cockbag!
2. You're walking down a narrow sidewalk on let's say Charles St, right in front of the Beacon Hill Pub (one time The Baron's Brubaker tasted like clams there), you're heading all the way to the common. You're a lady no doubt. You're dragging a large corduroy suitcase that looks like it could safely fit a brace of mummies inside. For some fucking reason your legs are broken and each step is labored and slow. The Baron and a herd of ape-sheep are on their way to work. You're in the fucking way and you know it. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU CUM-GLAZED BABY FACTORY!!!
3. It's night time. The Baron's palace abuts a brick sidewalk. For some goddamn reason the city thinks bricks are classy and puts them everywhere. In the winter they are unplowable and become caked with ice. The city expects you to buy a fucking dump truck full of salt and clear it yourself. Yet, you have no say in what material it was paved in. The Baron digresses. Ummm, ah yes. A group of people, let's call them shit-dicks, are rolling down the sidewalk like a pack of saddlebacked mules dragging ore carts. The little fucking wheels are making a godawful racket. The Baron is roused from his couch nap and rushes out to accost you. He is naked and wielding an 8$ Ocean State Job Lot wrecking bar. The Baron savagely bludgeons your group to death in a mist of blood, bone chips and frothing saliva. Also he is really, really naked. This somehow makes The Baron a criminal....
The Baron thinks those examples should be sufficient to make you see why wheely suitcases, like cellphones, are more hassle than they're worth and should be made illegal. Now if you'll excuse The Baron, he needs to pick out a formal cod piece for court.
The Baron remembers a time when people had to lug classic style suitcases through the airport check in lines. He remembers that it sucked sloppy, uncircumcised weiner. Therefore, The Baron was not at all displeased with the addition of wheels to nearly every suitcase starting in about 1997.
The Baron often wonders what the fuck took the suitcase magnates so goddamn long to think that something heavy and cumbersome might work better if it had wheels. It worked for cars, lawnmowers, bikes, trains, planes, wheelbarrows, oxcarts.....are you retarded Samsonite?
However, the fact that The Baron enjoys not having to carry the full weight of a suitcase does not mean that he universally likes rolly bags. In fact, in the vast majority of situations, The Baron hates the ever loving shit out of them.
Example:
1. You're a mouth breathing, goat fondling assmaster. You're on a train. It's crowded. You have a backpack. It barely weighs enough to stifle an infant. Yet...Yet...you have some stupid, pansy assed handle extended and you're wheeling it around on the floor like it's full of lead bricks. Also, you're standing in the doorway blocking the egress of The Baron and some other filthy barely sentient plebes. You should be thrown in the rapeosaurus pit you cockbag!
2. You're walking down a narrow sidewalk on let's say Charles St, right in front of the Beacon Hill Pub (one time The Baron's Brubaker tasted like clams there), you're heading all the way to the common. You're a lady no doubt. You're dragging a large corduroy suitcase that looks like it could safely fit a brace of mummies inside. For some fucking reason your legs are broken and each step is labored and slow. The Baron and a herd of ape-sheep are on their way to work. You're in the fucking way and you know it. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU CUM-GLAZED BABY FACTORY!!!
3. It's night time. The Baron's palace abuts a brick sidewalk. For some goddamn reason the city thinks bricks are classy and puts them everywhere. In the winter they are unplowable and become caked with ice. The city expects you to buy a fucking dump truck full of salt and clear it yourself. Yet, you have no say in what material it was paved in. The Baron digresses. Ummm, ah yes. A group of people, let's call them shit-dicks, are rolling down the sidewalk like a pack of saddlebacked mules dragging ore carts. The little fucking wheels are making a godawful racket. The Baron is roused from his couch nap and rushes out to accost you. He is naked and wielding an 8$ Ocean State Job Lot wrecking bar. The Baron savagely bludgeons your group to death in a mist of blood, bone chips and frothing saliva. Also he is really, really naked. This somehow makes The Baron a criminal....
The Baron thinks those examples should be sufficient to make you see why wheely suitcases, like cellphones, are more hassle than they're worth and should be made illegal. Now if you'll excuse The Baron, he needs to pick out a formal cod piece for court.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Is The Baron The Only One Who Realizes The Beastie Boys Suck Ass?
Why does no one seem to notice how much the Beastie Boys suck? The Baron has been wondering about this for a number of years and just can't seem to decipher the mystery.
Firstly, allow The Baron to explain why they blow 6-foot long whale dick. It's actually a very concise argument. Well gentle reader, The Baron hates The BB because all of their songs are exactly the same!
For example:
First one of us says something, then we all say something.
Then another one of us says something then we all say something.
Doth a third person says something, then we all say something.
repeat at least 3 times.
The Baron has even written a short expression which describes how this god awful ear-smegma is created in the first place:
Let n = a member of the BB
For n = 1-4
Singer = nw
Chorus = nx+ny+nz
Next n
loop.
That may have been the most boring thing The Baron has ever posted on his glorious thousand year blog. And that, dear readers, should tell you something.
The Beastie Boys are boring, uncreative sacks of shit and their songs could just have easily been written by bunch of rats tied to a keyboard.
Pray that Lord Chesney will show no mercy to these talentless hacks.
Firstly, allow The Baron to explain why they blow 6-foot long whale dick. It's actually a very concise argument. Well gentle reader, The Baron hates The BB because all of their songs are exactly the same!
For example:
First one of us says something, then we all say something.
Then another one of us says something then we all say something.
Doth a third person says something, then we all say something.
repeat at least 3 times.
The Baron has even written a short expression which describes how this god awful ear-smegma is created in the first place:
Let n = a member of the BB
For n = 1-4
Singer = nw
Chorus = nx+ny+nz
Next n
loop.
That may have been the most boring thing The Baron has ever posted on his glorious thousand year blog. And that, dear readers, should tell you something.
The Beastie Boys are boring, uncreative sacks of shit and their songs could just have easily been written by bunch of rats tied to a keyboard.
Pray that Lord Chesney will show no mercy to these talentless hacks.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The NCAA Can Cut The Shit!
The Baron is sick and tired of these fucking commercials the NCAA puts on during college football and basketball games.
You know the ones The Baron is talking about the:
"I'm an athlete and blah, blah blah, I have a retarded name like Hope Solo or Squirty Tits Flaherty but I'm a student first blah blah blah."
"The NCAA would like to point out that college classes for D1 athletes are not a joke and every bit as rigorous as every other student's curriculum at NCAA schools."
Well it's time for the NCAA to cut the fucking shit because no one is buying their cum soaked lies.
First of all, let's read into where the decide to place these ads. During college football and basketball games and at almost no other time. And why might you ask would we, the viewing public be suspicious of the fact that every player on both of these teams, at schools known for sports and nothing else, is an honor student, or a straight A student, even though they spend 12 hours a day practicing?
My, oh my NCAA that must mean you're thinking exactly what The Baron is thinking, that a football player cannot be at a near NFL level of mastery and still have the time to take real classes. Try watching an interview with one of these so called students and you will hear 4 syllable words, words that aren't words like "sticktoitiveness" and grammar that would embarrass a 2nd grader.
So you know what NCAA? Cut the fucking shit. We know these athletes are coddled and given joke classes like the history of jazz and communications so that they can keep on playing college sports. Don't think for one minute that The Baron is fooled. These are professional athletes bringing millions of dollars into the school's coffers, the only difference is that you're not paying them.
Quite a scheme NCAA, quite a scheme....
You know the ones The Baron is talking about the:
"I'm an athlete and blah, blah blah, I have a retarded name like Hope Solo or Squirty Tits Flaherty but I'm a student first blah blah blah."
"The NCAA would like to point out that college classes for D1 athletes are not a joke and every bit as rigorous as every other student's curriculum at NCAA schools."
Well it's time for the NCAA to cut the fucking shit because no one is buying their cum soaked lies.
First of all, let's read into where the decide to place these ads. During college football and basketball games and at almost no other time. And why might you ask would we, the viewing public be suspicious of the fact that every player on both of these teams, at schools known for sports and nothing else, is an honor student, or a straight A student, even though they spend 12 hours a day practicing?
My, oh my NCAA that must mean you're thinking exactly what The Baron is thinking, that a football player cannot be at a near NFL level of mastery and still have the time to take real classes. Try watching an interview with one of these so called students and you will hear 4 syllable words, words that aren't words like "sticktoitiveness" and grammar that would embarrass a 2nd grader.
So you know what NCAA? Cut the fucking shit. We know these athletes are coddled and given joke classes like the history of jazz and communications so that they can keep on playing college sports. Don't think for one minute that The Baron is fooled. These are professional athletes bringing millions of dollars into the school's coffers, the only difference is that you're not paying them.
Quite a scheme NCAA, quite a scheme....
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