So over the weekend, The Baron got a call. A call which would change his life. The chap in question commented that The Baron says assmaster so often that he's probably in the top ten google hits for that particular word.
Earlier in the same day The Baroness, haughtily remarked that The Baron uses the word assmaster too much and that he should let the creative profanity for which he is known by friends shine through.
The Baron realized instantly that this was the first time his lady had ever encouraged him to be more vulgar. However, The Baron also realized that there must be an epithet of his that is original enough to be in the top ten on a google search.
Strangely, and disappointingly, The Baron does not even crack the top 100 for assmaster. Evidently, this word is more popular than The Baron originally conceived.
Naturally, The Baron could not rest until he discovered a word that was used in this blog which would at least break the top ten on a google search.
Strangely enough that word is "sacktits". Search for "sacktits" (the parentheses are necessary to indicate that it is non-hyphenated single word with no spaces) and The Baron's Yell Box is the number 4 search item.
Some bullshit youtube video called s4cktits McGee (misspelled on purpose so as not to give them more hits) holds the three top spots.
I think you, the reading audience, can see what needs to be done. Either The Baron needs to wrest assmaster from the filthy claws of assmasters, or he needs to scour his filthy brain for a word so profane and so unusual that no one will dare use it except The Baron.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Stupidest Song Lyrics Ever 003
U2: I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight.
Earlier this year, U2 decided to release a new album in which they spewed a thick slurry of liquid pompousness into the faces of assmaster nation. This colossal facial displayed every facet of the festering shit crystal known as pop music: Pretending to care about the Earth, Expensiveness, Simple Rhymes, Crotch Gyration and Pedophilia.
The above lyric, from the song of the same name is a goddamn travesty and a waste of valuable resources that could be spent locking Bono in an underwater cage.
The song in question could not have come at a worse time. The Baron's psychiatrist had just finished convincing him that U2 was not out to get him, and was not trying to personally insult him with every new album. And then, this horse sperm hit the airwaves:
"I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight."
This is how the lyric sounds to The Baron
"I'm going to go crazy if The Baron, of thebaronsbox.blogspot.com doesn't stop fellating large, male pigs whilst trying to evade an amber alert, tonight."
So you can see why U2 needs to cut the shit, and accept their perpetual confinement in a bathysphere beneath the cold waves of the North Atlantic. They're allegedly (thanks lawyer friends!) a bunch of self-righteous monkey-rapers and they should stop dragging cats across guitars and wearing red sunglasses. Everyone knows they don't block out any light assmasters!
Earlier this year, U2 decided to release a new album in which they spewed a thick slurry of liquid pompousness into the faces of assmaster nation. This colossal facial displayed every facet of the festering shit crystal known as pop music: Pretending to care about the Earth, Expensiveness, Simple Rhymes, Crotch Gyration and Pedophilia.
The above lyric, from the song of the same name is a goddamn travesty and a waste of valuable resources that could be spent locking Bono in an underwater cage.
The song in question could not have come at a worse time. The Baron's psychiatrist had just finished convincing him that U2 was not out to get him, and was not trying to personally insult him with every new album. And then, this horse sperm hit the airwaves:
"I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight."
This is how the lyric sounds to The Baron
"I'm going to go crazy if The Baron, of thebaronsbox.blogspot.com doesn't stop fellating large, male pigs whilst trying to evade an amber alert, tonight."
So you can see why U2 needs to cut the shit, and accept their perpetual confinement in a bathysphere beneath the cold waves of the North Atlantic. They're allegedly (thanks lawyer friends!) a bunch of self-righteous monkey-rapers and they should stop dragging cats across guitars and wearing red sunglasses. Everyone knows they don't block out any light assmasters!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Things The Baron Hates : Car commercials with kids or dogs in them
There are few things The Baron hates as much as some high school drop out piece of shit trying to sell him a car over TV or radio waves. If you've ever listened to radio in CNY then you've heard Tony Fucillo from the Fucillo automall barking shit at you in a barely intelligible manner about hyundais. Mr. Fucillo is so bad at speaking in complete sentences that a second guy basically just sits there and repeats everything Tony says in normal people speak.
However, as bad as Fucillo is, there is a type if car commercial that irks The Baron to no end, the kid/dog angle.
Older kids vomit out some terrible lines, always trying to be funny. At some point, dad/grandpa/both chime in and seem surprised/enraged that his children/grandchildren are offering such RIDICULOUS SAVINGS! One time, The Baron was so infuriated by one of these commercials that he slammed his face straight through an orphan.
Younger kids / dogs are usually used as decoration during car commercials and almost exclusively on TV. In every single one, some bloated assmaster rants on about their prices and low pressure environment, sometimes in costume, then the shot fades to some kids / dogs / both sitting on or in one of the cars on the lot. The ploy seems to suggest: Hey! You can trust old Tony, even though he is very rat-like in appearance because he's managed not to kill this particular baby/dog during the filming of the commercial!
If you want to buy a car, just do what The Baron does, go to a police auction and bid your ass off on a vehicle that looks like it may still have cash or drugs hidden in it somewhere then use the proceeds to put a down payment on a entry level Zepplin.
However, as bad as Fucillo is, there is a type if car commercial that irks The Baron to no end, the kid/dog angle.
Older kids vomit out some terrible lines, always trying to be funny. At some point, dad/grandpa/both chime in and seem surprised/enraged that his children/grandchildren are offering such RIDICULOUS SAVINGS! One time, The Baron was so infuriated by one of these commercials that he slammed his face straight through an orphan.
Younger kids / dogs are usually used as decoration during car commercials and almost exclusively on TV. In every single one, some bloated assmaster rants on about their prices and low pressure environment, sometimes in costume, then the shot fades to some kids / dogs / both sitting on or in one of the cars on the lot. The ploy seems to suggest: Hey! You can trust old Tony, even though he is very rat-like in appearance because he's managed not to kill this particular baby/dog during the filming of the commercial!
If you want to buy a car, just do what The Baron does, go to a police auction and bid your ass off on a vehicle that looks like it may still have cash or drugs hidden in it somewhere then use the proceeds to put a down payment on a entry level Zepplin.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Do Journalists Usually Graduate From High School?
The reason The Baron asks is because it seems to him as if most people who write for the paper have a lot of trouble with reading comprehension and even more trouble putting together a grammatically correct sentence.
For example, this sentence is from today's Metro, a free news paper The Baron knows, but it's not like the big boys are immune:
Districts prep against virus, but make plans for its inevitable return.
This sentence doesn't make any fucking sense. Generally when you separate two parts of a sentence with "but", the first half opposes the second half such. For example, this is what The Baron is sure they were trying to say:
District prepares countermeasures to virus, but concedes new infections are inevitable.
Instead they indicated the following:
District makes plans for return of virus, but makes plans for return of virus.
What the fuck is wrong with these assmasters, do they even read what they've written or do they just roll with it and print in real time, as they're typing?
And another thing, what the shit is all this hysteria about swine flu? The damn thing has killed about 1000 people world wide, including in places where health care consists of rubbing a salve of tiger semen on wounds. You know how many people the real flu kills per year in the US alone? 36,000. So is it safe to say that the real flu is at least 36 times worse than the cocksucking pig flu? Yes, yes it is. That's why you won't see The Baron lining up to get two injections of an H1N1 vaccine with a take rate of 30% and that won't be effective until November even if it does work.
But you don't have to take The Baron's word for it, da duh da!
For example, this sentence is from today's Metro, a free news paper The Baron knows, but it's not like the big boys are immune:
Districts prep against virus, but make plans for its inevitable return.
This sentence doesn't make any fucking sense. Generally when you separate two parts of a sentence with "but", the first half opposes the second half such. For example, this is what The Baron is sure they were trying to say:
District prepares countermeasures to virus, but concedes new infections are inevitable.
Instead they indicated the following:
District makes plans for return of virus, but makes plans for return of virus.
What the fuck is wrong with these assmasters, do they even read what they've written or do they just roll with it and print in real time, as they're typing?
And another thing, what the shit is all this hysteria about swine flu? The damn thing has killed about 1000 people world wide, including in places where health care consists of rubbing a salve of tiger semen on wounds. You know how many people the real flu kills per year in the US alone? 36,000. So is it safe to say that the real flu is at least 36 times worse than the cocksucking pig flu? Yes, yes it is. That's why you won't see The Baron lining up to get two injections of an H1N1 vaccine with a take rate of 30% and that won't be effective until November even if it does work.
But you don't have to take The Baron's word for it, da duh da!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monster Quest is the Worst Fucking Show Ever!
What the dick is going on with the history channel these days. It used to be all about glory and technology and booze and now there's a bunch of gay ass shows about assholes who operate heavy machinery and wackjobs who are lying about seeing monsters.
Have you ever sat down and tried to watch Monster Quest? They start off with a bunch of teaser shots that make it look like they found something cool but they never do.
Once they were looking for a jungle dinosaur and they kept showing footage of what looked like a dinosaur. You know what they found? Not a goddamn thing, it was fucking CGI.
Even worse sometimes they do find something but it's usually a boring little pissant animal that you've seen Bear Grylls eat a hundred times on Man Vs Wild.
And another thing, why do the producers spend more time talking to slack jawed "cryptozoologists" than actual scientists? Oh wait, The Baron knows why, because real professionals can't stop laughing when they hear some of the dick-bitingly-insane explanations these sacktits come up with.
In case you don't know there's about 1 actual, legitimate cryptozoologist (the rest died out in Victorian times when all the interesting new animals had been cataloged and BBQ'd) in the world and the rest are just fat white guys who like to play make believe in the woods.
The only episode of Monster Quest The Baron actually enjoyed was the one about rods, supposed flying creatures that show up on video and still shots. After a ridiculous 55 minutes of douche-assed cretins explaining how these things were real, a videographer proved that they were just camera artifacts in literally 2 minutes. Then they went back to the assholes and they still thought rods were real, what a bunch of deer-raping assmasters!
Have you ever sat down and tried to watch Monster Quest? They start off with a bunch of teaser shots that make it look like they found something cool but they never do.
Once they were looking for a jungle dinosaur and they kept showing footage of what looked like a dinosaur. You know what they found? Not a goddamn thing, it was fucking CGI.
Even worse sometimes they do find something but it's usually a boring little pissant animal that you've seen Bear Grylls eat a hundred times on Man Vs Wild.
And another thing, why do the producers spend more time talking to slack jawed "cryptozoologists" than actual scientists? Oh wait, The Baron knows why, because real professionals can't stop laughing when they hear some of the dick-bitingly-insane explanations these sacktits come up with.
In case you don't know there's about 1 actual, legitimate cryptozoologist (the rest died out in Victorian times when all the interesting new animals had been cataloged and BBQ'd) in the world and the rest are just fat white guys who like to play make believe in the woods.
The only episode of Monster Quest The Baron actually enjoyed was the one about rods, supposed flying creatures that show up on video and still shots. After a ridiculous 55 minutes of douche-assed cretins explaining how these things were real, a videographer proved that they were just camera artifacts in literally 2 minutes. Then they went back to the assholes and they still thought rods were real, what a bunch of deer-raping assmasters!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Baron is Very Disappointed in Country Fest
The Baron is regrets to report that this weekend's Country Music fest was the site of an unconscionable atrocity.
108 people were arrested for public drunkenness (can you believe it has 2 n's? what the shit!) and 300 were taken into protective custody for drunkeness.
These numbers mark a sharp decline from last year when so many drunks were detained that they could fill the grand canyon half way to the top.
The Baron is immensely disappointed that such a proud, industrious group of people as country music fans could allow themselves to be degraded in this way. Kenny Chesney was so distraught that he accidentally plowed a snooter.
So, to avoid a repeat of this travesty The Baron is proposing a solution for next year:
A giant cowboy hat shaped billboard will keep a tally of the day's arrests and custodtianshippings (spelling?) so that the attending rabble will know whether they need to take their drinking to another level or whether they can relax and appreciate each others tattoos and motorcycles with spinners.
This may seem radical, but in the face of severely restricted tailgating time (they could not start until 1pm!) radical measures are needed.
These country fans should take a page out of the book of Loudon, NH NASCAR races, where the drinking starts at dawn and the gravel runs yellow with the piss of thousands. The last person to get arrested for drinking at this hallowed event killed Big E and pissed on Richard Petty's wife.
108 people were arrested for public drunkenness (can you believe it has 2 n's? what the shit!) and 300 were taken into protective custody for drunkeness.
These numbers mark a sharp decline from last year when so many drunks were detained that they could fill the grand canyon half way to the top.
The Baron is immensely disappointed that such a proud, industrious group of people as country music fans could allow themselves to be degraded in this way. Kenny Chesney was so distraught that he accidentally plowed a snooter.
So, to avoid a repeat of this travesty The Baron is proposing a solution for next year:
A giant cowboy hat shaped billboard will keep a tally of the day's arrests and custodtianshippings (spelling?) so that the attending rabble will know whether they need to take their drinking to another level or whether they can relax and appreciate each others tattoos and motorcycles with spinners.
This may seem radical, but in the face of severely restricted tailgating time (they could not start until 1pm!) radical measures are needed.
These country fans should take a page out of the book of Loudon, NH NASCAR races, where the drinking starts at dawn and the gravel runs yellow with the piss of thousands. The last person to get arrested for drinking at this hallowed event killed Big E and pissed on Richard Petty's wife.
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