The Baron's Trademark Phrase and the Scourge of The Baroness

So over the weekend, The Baron got a call. A call which would change his life. The chap in question commented that The Baron says assmaster so often that he's probably in the top ten google hits for that particular word.

Earlier in the same day The Baroness, haughtily remarked that The Baron uses the word assmaster too much and that he should let the creative profanity for which he is known by friends shine through.

The Baron realized instantly that this was the first time his lady had ever encouraged him to be more vulgar. However, The Baron also realized that there must be an epithet of his that is original enough to be in the top ten on a google search.

Strangely, and disappointingly, The Baron does not even crack the top 100 for assmaster. Evidently, this word is more popular than The Baron originally conceived.

Naturally, The Baron could not rest until he discovered a word that was used in this blog which would at least break the top ten on a google search.

Strangely enough that word is "sacktits". Search for "sacktits" (the parentheses are necessary to indicate that it is non-hyphenated single word with no spaces) and The Baron's Yell Box is the number 4 search item.

Some bullshit youtube video called s4cktits McGee (misspelled on purpose so as not to give them more hits) holds the three top spots.

I think you, the reading audience, can see what needs to be done. Either The Baron needs to wrest assmaster from the filthy claws of assmasters, or he needs to scour his filthy brain for a word so profane and so unusual that no one will dare use it except The Baron.

Stupidest Song Lyrics Ever 003

U2: I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight.

Earlier this year, U2 decided to release a new album in which they spewed a thick slurry of liquid pompousness into the faces of assmaster nation. This colossal facial displayed every facet of the festering shit crystal known as pop music: Pretending to care about the Earth, Expensiveness, Simple Rhymes, Crotch Gyration and Pedophilia.

The above lyric, from the song of the same name is a goddamn travesty and a waste of valuable resources that could be spent locking Bono in an underwater cage.

The song in question could not have come at a worse time. The Baron's psychiatrist had just finished convincing him that U2 was not out to get him, and was not trying to personally insult him with every new album. And then, this horse sperm hit the airwaves:

"I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight."

This is how the lyric sounds to The Baron

"I'm going to go crazy if The Baron, of thebaronsbox.blogspot.com doesn't stop fellating large, male pigs whilst trying to evade an amber alert, tonight."

So you can see why U2 needs to cut the shit, and accept their perpetual confinement in a bathysphere beneath the cold waves of the North Atlantic. They're allegedly (thanks lawyer friends!) a bunch of self-righteous monkey-rapers and they should stop dragging cats across guitars and wearing red sunglasses. Everyone knows they don't block out any light assmasters!

Things The Baron Hates : Car commercials with kids or dogs in them

There are few things The Baron hates as much as some high school drop out piece of shit trying to sell him a car over TV or radio waves. If you've ever listened to radio in CNY then you've heard Tony Fucillo from the Fucillo automall barking shit at you in a barely intelligible manner about hyundais. Mr. Fucillo is so bad at speaking in complete sentences that a second guy basically just sits there and repeats everything Tony says in normal people speak.

However, as bad as Fucillo is, there is a type if car commercial that irks The Baron to no end, the kid/dog angle.

Older kids vomit out some terrible lines, always trying to be funny. At some point, dad/grandpa/both chime in and seem surprised/enraged that his children/grandchildren are offering such RIDICULOUS SAVINGS! One time, The Baron was so infuriated by one of these commercials that he slammed his face straight through an orphan.

Younger kids / dogs are usually used as decoration during car commercials and almost exclusively on TV. In every single one, some bloated assmaster rants on about their prices and low pressure environment, sometimes in costume, then the shot fades to some kids / dogs / both sitting on or in one of the cars on the lot. The ploy seems to suggest: Hey! You can trust old Tony, even though he is very rat-like in appearance because he's managed not to kill this particular baby/dog during the filming of the commercial!

If you want to buy a car, just do what The Baron does, go to a police auction and bid your ass off on a vehicle that looks like it may still have cash or drugs hidden in it somewhere then use the proceeds to put a down payment on a entry level Zepplin.

Baron Comics 006

Do Journalists Usually Graduate From High School?

The reason The Baron asks is because it seems to him as if most people who write for the paper have a lot of trouble with reading comprehension and even more trouble putting together a grammatically correct sentence.

For example, this sentence is from today's Metro, a free news paper The Baron knows, but it's not like the big boys are immune:

Districts prep against virus, but make plans for its inevitable return.

This sentence doesn't make any fucking sense. Generally when you separate two parts of a sentence with "but", the first half opposes the second half such. For example, this is what The Baron is sure they were trying to say:

District prepares countermeasures to virus, but concedes new infections are inevitable.

Instead they indicated the following:

District makes plans for return of virus, but makes plans for return of virus.

What the fuck is wrong with these assmasters, do they even read what they've written or do they just roll with it and print in real time, as they're typing?

And another thing, what the shit is all this hysteria about swine flu? The damn thing has killed about 1000 people world wide, including in places where health care consists of rubbing a salve of tiger semen on wounds. You know how many people the real flu kills per year in the US alone? 36,000. So is it safe to say that the real flu is at least 36 times worse than the cocksucking pig flu? Yes, yes it is. That's why you won't see The Baron lining up to get two injections of an H1N1 vaccine with a take rate of 30% and that won't be effective until November even if it does work.

But you don't have to take The Baron's word for it, da duh da!

Monster Quest is the Worst Fucking Show Ever!

What the dick is going on with the history channel these days. It used to be all about glory and technology and booze and now there's a bunch of gay ass shows about assholes who operate heavy machinery and wackjobs who are lying about seeing monsters.

Have you ever sat down and tried to watch Monster Quest? They start off with a bunch of teaser shots that make it look like they found something cool but they never do.

Once they were looking for a jungle dinosaur and they kept showing footage of what looked like a dinosaur. You know what they found? Not a goddamn thing, it was fucking CGI.

Even worse sometimes they do find something but it's usually a boring little pissant animal that you've seen Bear Grylls eat a hundred times on Man Vs Wild.

And another thing, why do the producers spend more time talking to slack jawed "cryptozoologists" than actual scientists? Oh wait, The Baron knows why, because real professionals can't stop laughing when they hear some of the dick-bitingly-insane explanations these sacktits come up with.

In case you don't know there's about 1 actual, legitimate cryptozoologist (the rest died out in Victorian times when all the interesting new animals had been cataloged and BBQ'd) in the world and the rest are just fat white guys who like to play make believe in the woods.

The only episode of Monster Quest The Baron actually enjoyed was the one about rods, supposed flying creatures that show up on video and still shots. After a ridiculous 55 minutes of douche-assed cretins explaining how these things were real, a videographer proved that they were just camera artifacts in literally 2 minutes. Then they went back to the assholes and they still thought rods were real, what a bunch of deer-raping assmasters!

The Baron is Very Disappointed in Country Fest

The Baron is regrets to report that this weekend's Country Music fest was the site of an unconscionable atrocity.

108 people were arrested for public drunkenness (can you believe it has 2 n's? what the shit!) and 300 were taken into protective custody for drunkeness.

These numbers mark a sharp decline from last year when so many drunks were detained that they could fill the grand canyon half way to the top.

The Baron is immensely disappointed that such a proud, industrious group of people as country music fans could allow themselves to be degraded in this way. Kenny Chesney was so distraught that he accidentally plowed a snooter.

So, to avoid a repeat of this travesty The Baron is proposing a solution for next year:

A giant cowboy hat shaped billboard will keep a tally of the day's arrests and custodtianshippings (spelling?) so that the attending rabble will know whether they need to take their drinking to another level or whether they can relax and appreciate each others tattoos and motorcycles with spinners.

This may seem radical, but in the face of severely restricted tailgating time (they could not start until 1pm!) radical measures are needed.

These country fans should take a page out of the book of Loudon, NH NASCAR races, where the drinking starts at dawn and the gravel runs yellow with the piss of thousands. The last person to get arrested for drinking at this hallowed event killed Big E and pissed on Richard Petty's wife.

Baron Comics 005

Stupidest Song Lyrics Ever 002

The Killers

Human

"Are we human or are we dancers."

Good ass-fisting god!! Are The Killers trying to make The Baron die with rage?

This lyric is the single worst atrocity committed within the contiguous United States since the trail of tears, and we all know there's nothing funny about the trail of tears.

The Baron cannot fathom how the band in question could allow this cunt-bomb of a lyric to be released in their name. The Killers might as well have recorded 17 minutes of slitting baby seals' throats and published it as a single.

The Baron is actually tearing up slightly from the fetid stink "Human" has left in the air. In fact, he might just call it a day and try to drink this ear-rape away before it impregnates his brain and turns him into an assmaster.

Things The Baron Hates : When people pretend not to see you coming as they get on the elevator and let the doors close in your fucking face

We've all had the experience. You're walking 20 feet behind a person heading into your building. They get to the elevator, and press the button, thus closing the doors prematurely, even though they knew you were a few feet behind them.

These cock-gagging assmasters are some of the most despicable pieces of shit in the known universe. You know they saw you, they know they saw you, but for whatever reason they're in too much of a goddamn rush to hold the doors for you. Or maybe they just needed some privacy so they could cram a can of paint up their ass.

The Baron calls these people : Slated For Death 0001 (SFD-0001). Under his glorious, eternal regime, a crack team of forensic scientists will scour over all existing evidence of past infractions and crackpot accusations placing appropriate names on the Condemned list.

The Baron will stamp each week's list with the tongue of a freshly killed SFD-0002 (doucehtard) and the warrant will be complete.

Each Friday at noon, The Baron will spit roast 5 elephants and provide 20 casks of ale to get spectators angried up for the main event.

The week's condemned will be led into a sunken arena containing a Rapeosaurus Rex, the king of Cretaceous rapists. Over the course of a week, as the elephants and ale are comsumed, the Rapeosaurus will laboriously, and methodically rape each prisoner to death with its massive, toothed phallus.

Many an SFD-0001 will know what it is to have their ani / vaginae ruptured by the phallus of a Rapeosaurus that week.

But don't take The Baron's word for it....duh da duh!

The Baron's Mailbag 004

Anonymous asks:

Is a warrior pimp a whorelord?



The Baron often struggles with this exact question when ordering a new set of business cards:


Ninja Sexmesiter of Ninja Sex Master?

4 Time Defending Growler Rending Champion or Official Hooter Consistency Judge?


There's only so much space on a card and although The Baron is many things to many women, he must choose a concise way to inform others both of his might and of his sexual prowess.

This email has solved that dilemma, at least for the upcoming quarter. The Baron will go for an ultra simplistic and elegant set of embossed Egyptian cotton cards:


The Baron

Whorelord

Available weeknights to exorcise/exercise vaginae.


Thank you anonymous writer.

Baron Comics 005 : A Shitty Day

Mickey is Going to be Ripshit

In case you haven't heard the shocking news, The Baron will relay it.

A man, a heinous, hilarious man has been found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse.

Upon hearing the verdict the man glanced nervously over his shoulder to the cold, impassive eyes of her husband, Mickey.

Mr. Mouse was seen to make a throat slash gesture to the defendant and then began ranting "I'll kill the F***er! I'll kill his dog!"

Mickey was bodily removed by bailiffs and later charged with contempt of court.

The Baron can only imagine what is going to happen to this poor fucker. Mickey and the Magic Kingdom Ballers (MKBFFMKB!) will bide their time, but eventually he's going to end up face down in Pirates of the Caribbean, bouncing off the bows of those stinky, fake boats.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-disney-groped-minnie-mouse-081009,0,4837059.story

3 Things The Baron Learned About Club Med: An Observational Study

As you may know, The Baron recently visited a Caribbean island in order to relax, punch sharks and pimp sexy lady dolphins. However, he was able to find the time to observe the inhabitants of a neighboring beach front resort, the much referenced, seldom visited Club Med.

As such, The Baron would like to share 3 items, rather universal truths he was able to deduce concerning the resort, and its alcohol drenched occupants.

1. Eurotrash, eurotrash and more eurotrash: Have you ever wanted to watch as the son of an Italian shipping magnate chugs Becks, while shirtless and fisting a pig of a woman in the middle of a public beach? If you answered yes to this question, send your 5000$ to Club Med, 23 douchebag lane, Fucktardolis, FU 06969.
The Baron was worked up to the point of frenzy on many an occasion while peering into the shit-drenched underbelly of CM. The sea of Gucci sunglasses and impudent fops seemed unending yet endlessly infuriating.

The only thing that could have further cemented the worthlessness of these continental assmasters was if they had driven their Maybach's onto the beach and were blasting french techno over the Italian techno oozing from the club's own loudspeakers.


2. Dicktards, dicktardettes, alcohol and fucktards: If you've ever seen MTV spring break, you'd be disgusted at the level of douchiness present at CM. The Baron was nearly blinded by the number of truckers caps on women and ankle long board shorts with barbed wire tattoos on men. It was nearly unbearable. The Baron could actually hear how stupid these people were while they desperately tried to freebase coronas and date rape a beach chair.

3. Lots of tats, but not the good kind, the saggy leather bag kind: The Baron finds few things as tragic as a woman who decides to let her milk bar get some fresh air, seemingly without realizing that her cartons are well past expiration. There was a ton of that at CM. The Baron takes this as proof that there is no god, or that god is an asshole.