The Subaru Tribeca was born in the age of every damn car company making an SUV, but, just like Acura, Audi and Volvo, Subaru got into the game way, way too late and missed out on literally all of the profits.
In the mid 90's you could throw some truck tires on a horse drawn wagon and a million frothing assmasters would line up around the block to give you 40K for it. Ford and GM made literally a cajillion dollars selling their piece of shit land boats and only the most retarded of auto-execs decided not to cash in on the collective (and massive) stupidity of the average American consumer.
Making an SUV was literally the easiest thing in the world and involved no intelligence or even planning. Most auto companies ripped the body off a pickup truck, slapped an SUV body on the chassis and welded the whole piece of shit together without test driving it first. The result was a bloated fleet of road incompetent vehicles that would roll in the slightest cross breeze and burst into flames with such regularity The Baron wondered if that was part of the Sport package.
Then about a decade went buy and as gas prices rose, SUV sales sunk until the market imploded during the gascession right before the goddamn pussy slapping recession. And when, might you ask, did Subaru decide to throw their hat into the ring? Why at the end of the decline, roughly 3 years before the gascession and after other auto companies had made so much money that they were literally buying God's furniture off him at cost just because they could.
That brings us to the Tribeca. One of the stupidest names for one of the ugliest cars in the history of automobiles. If you don't know, the name Tribeca refers to an exclusive region of Manhattan where only assmasters and dickbags live so it was quite natural to name a car after this prententious shitville. The Baron likes to think that Subaru consulted a retarded ape during a board meeting and that this impaired simian smeared crap over all the profit reports and current successful brands the company produced. Then with one reeking finger, the simpering monkey (also the monkey was wearing a double breasted suit with no pants) scrawled the outline of what would become this lumbering boat of an SUV and furiously pointed to it while chattering and screeching (then he mauled the CFO to death).
Have a gander at this cockbox. It looks like a minivan fucked a steam locomotive and kept all the worst design features of each. The grill strongly resembles the business end of a dust buster and the body looks like a tortoise inspired flying wedge. This car probably weighs 7 or so tons and handles like a wheelbarrow filled with stones.
Also, it is 14 feet tall and roughly 50 feet long. In short, this is the epitome of poor vehicle design and an embarrassment to all of mankind. That anyone thought it would be a good idea to buy one of these lumbering cum tankers literally blows The Baron's mind. Every time he sees one on the road (thankfully very rarely) he can't help but feel an overwhelming contempt mixed with vomit flavored pity.
That Subaru managed to sell even one of these shitcarts is a fucking miracle and also the most depressing condemnation of humanity that The Baron has yet come across. If you own one of these "things" or knows someone who does The Baron hopes you are ashamed of yourself and he expects you to report to your nearest gravel yard to be pulverized in a 2 ton hammer mill.
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