The Baron Is Never Talking To A Person On The Street Again, Lest They Be Rachel McAdams

So The Baron was walking in to work today at the Vagina Factory and Test Track, when he happened to glance at a fellow pedestrian. Being the polite fellow that he is, The Baron tipped his 4 foot tall top hat and cocked his benevolent head slightly.

The man approached and inquired whether The Baron had a cigarette. Aghast, The Baron managed to stagger back a few steps before heroically setting his half dozen assorted hounds on the man. As the ragged corpse was dismembered and consumed, The Baron sat on a nearby stoop shaking his head with dismay.

Why did the man assume that he, The Baron would have any cigarillos, and more importantly, considering the 9000% tax on said tobacco items, why would he expect that his excellency would deign to share one with a reeking peasant?

As a public service The Baron now presents, 3 scumbag street moves and how to deflect them.

1. Can I borrow a butt?

These people are the scum of the Earth. They drag their sorry asses around the street doing worthless shit all day long, they maintain a disgusting habit, and, AND, they expect you to subsidize them. What the fuck are you, the government? Buy your own goddamn cigarettes assmaster! Oh wait, I forgot! You can't buy booze and butts with food stamps. Well maybe you should get a goddamn job then.

And you know what, that's not as unreasonable as it sounds. The Butt-Scrounger or Fag-Master, is generally not homeless despite the fact that they look and act like it. The way you can tell the butt-scrounger from a common bum is that they generally do not smell like anything but cigarettes and tend to dress in expensive, urban wear like ecko hoodies. Actually, they are almost universally dressed in ecko hoodies, even in the fucking summer.
The best response to their inquiry is as follows:

"I have a pack of cigarettes, but I kind of feel like throwing them away."

Then toss them into a river or some other nearly inaccessible place. Hopefully they'll dive right in after them and drown, or be torn to shreds by C.H.U.D's. Either way, you've won the fight!

2. I need money to catch the bus / train home.

These fuck-asses are some of the worst. They'll sit on the same cock-sucking corner every day for literally years waiting for a rube to walk by. If you even so much as glance at them, they'll launch into a pitch.
"Ah hey man, I really hope you can help me out. See, I got kicked out of my house and came into the city for the night and it's the damnedest thing, but I ran out of money. Can you spot me bus fare to get back home?"

Proper responses include

"I really hope you can get the fuck out of my face."

"Hold on a second, my Anxious Bowel Syndrome starts to act up around bullshit."

"I'm going to give you to the count of ten to get your dirty, yella, no good keister out of my sight before I pump you full of lead. One, two...ten . (cackling sounds and the report of a Thompson SMG).

The Baron actually hopes these people die. If there were a button that would kill all of them, he would be pressing it like he was waiting on an elevator to a 1000th floor restroom and was about to shit his pants.

3. I'm new in town, could you give me directions.....also can I have some change?

You're walking along minding your own business when a well dressed but somewhat trashy looking individual approaches you. They ask for directions to some place people would want to go. Then, they prove themselves to be a simpering sub-creature by asking you for change.

Usually, they ask for a whole dollar amount first and then look disappointed when you refuse, like they were entitled to it. But wait! They will grudgingly accept change, preferably quarters. Lucky you!Here's a sample conversation:

"Oh, so I'm actually already in midtown? Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome."

"Say, you wouldn't happen to have 5 bucks I could borrow would you."

"Nope sorry."

"Really, geez, well I guess that's ok. How about 90 cents?"

(The hollow "schluck" of a claw hammer piercing a cranial vault followed by bloody gurgles)


Well there you have it. Some of the most dangerous scumbag ploys and how to deal with them. The Baron hopes this has been educational. Now if you'll excuse him, he's got a basement full of butt-scroungers who aren't going to torture themselves.