Underrated Beers: Schlitz

The Baron loves beer. You could say that The Baron is a Beer-fan then. And, just like a sports fan, The Baron loves to root for the underdog. In sports, that means most teams from philly or kansas city, in the world of hooch, that means cheap, oft derided beers.

Today The Baron would like to laud a brew that is near and dear to his heart, Schlitz.

Schlitz is a man's beer, an outdoorsman's beer and an almost unfathomably cheap beer. It comes exclusively in tallboy cans (TBC's) as far as The Baron can tell and tastes a dish. It has the faintly skunky aroma and flavor that an old fashioned, lady abusing, communist hating beer should have. Betcha can't have just one!

And then there's the add campaign. Rather, then there was the add campaign (The Baron is pretty sure Schlitz hasn't published an add since 1965). Old school, hand drawn frames and scenes that make The Baron wish he had been born 50 years earlier so he could have been a teenager in the 50's when pussies were beaten, women were obedient and cars weighed 4 tons and had wings.

Let's start with the can. Good lines, good color scheme, great cursive writing. There appears to be a seal of quality on there which is always a plus. And of course, what beer can would be complete without a slogan. "The beer that made Milwaukee famous........before people realized Milwaukee sucks." What a slogan!

Let's have a look at an add. Forget about the text. Focus on the man instead. Haircut you could set your watch to? Check. Knowing smile? Check. Artsy glass? Check. Flannel robe over collared shirt? Check. Sandwich of some kind? Check and mate! You'd have to fuck an alto saxophone to be as jazzy as this guy. And here The Baron though he was the only one who still ate a sandwich for dinner while wearing a robe. Touche Schlitz man, touche.

Take a pop top holiday. The Baron has never heard a better slogan for a slow weekend. And look at the vacationer. That jaunty hat with little Schlitz bottles almost kept The Baron from retching slightly upon beholding the gargoyle like visage of the man wearing it. No beer ad The Baron has ever seen has so aggressively marketed to the average man. If the ugliest man in the world can enjoy a Schlitz without being stoned to death, couldn't you?

The next ad falls into a specific category. The "why in the hell was life so much better in the 50's" category. Look at that fucker in the hammock. He mowed maybe 3 feet of grass and fell asleep while under a newspaper. And how is his smoking wife going to react when she sees him loafing about? By starting a prolonged campaign of passive aggression and implied slights which will last throughout the rest of his life? No, by bringing him a goddamn Schlitz on a fancy tray, in a fancy glass, with the bottle so that he can finish the pour competently and in a sweet dress! Now that's service. What the hell happened to chicks wearing dresses? Now the lazy bitches think they can get away with dumpy sweatpants and a sloppy shirt? Who are they fucking kidding. Hit the gym and then hit the dress store. And what about that car peeking out of the garage? Awesome! You could probably sleep 10 in that thing. The 21st century sucks ass.

Ah yes. A real classic advertising technique from the golden age of America. The wife fails at her one important job, providing a piping hot meal for her snappily dressed husband. But is he mad? Of course not. Look how cute she is crying and what not. And more importantly the Schlitz is ok. That doesn't mean he won't spank his wife for her transgressions, oh lord no! He'll still punish her plenty, but if she'd burnt the beer somehow he'd of tried for anal.

This is quite possibly The Baron's favorite Schlitz add of all time. It involves flannel, a serving wench with a tray of beers, fishing, and implied group sex. Let's be serious here. This group of good old boys probably goes fishing once every 3 weeks or so. They play rock paper scissors to see whose wife gets to cum along for the ride, and then they run train on that hosehound while they pound Schlitz's. The Baron can't imagine a better weekend trip.

So what is it about Schlitz that The Baron likes so much? It's actually quite hard to pinpoint. If The Baron were to sum it up in a single sentence it would go something like this: "Schlitz tastes like that first sip of beer your dad / uncle gave you when you were 12." It has that old fashioned beer taste and a sensibility lacking in other mass marketed intoxicants. Schlitz scream character, demands action and doesn't disappoint in the backstretch. A real man's beer.