Things I Hate Installtion 5: Bitch Shoes on a Guy

The subject of this installation is constantly tugging at the cockles of The Baron's balls, whatever cockles are. In that every time The Baron sees, or rather hears a dude walking around in kicks that sound like bitch shoes it makes shameful vomit erupt from all of his numerous orifices, or is that orifi?

Anyway, say The Baron was walking down the train platform and heard the characteristic clopping of a smoking philly, or a self-abasing fat lady, in pumps (high heels are apparently called pumps for some reason, The Baron always thought pumps were made by reebok in the early 90's but apparently not).

The Baron turns, expecting to see the wonderfully sculpted calves and perky buttock positioning that high heels promote. Sometimes his weiner twitches reflexively and rises to exactly 1/5th of its stately, erect height. Then waves upon waves of shameful nausea sweep from The Baron's rectum to his uvula for the bitch boot wearer is a dude.

Cursing the heavens for allowing such an atrocity to happen The Baron vents viscous, somewhat fishy smelling fluid all down his chest and legs. Sometimes he is weeping by this point. Sometimes he passes out or bursts a blood vessel in his brain / sack from the liters of blood being shunted from his shriveling weiner and back into his system.

So what the fuck is the deal with dudes wearing lady shoes? Don't feed The Baron some bullshit tale like that all men's dress shoes clack around like pumps. The Baron feels that there are only two options for why any self respecting penis-chassis would wear these emasculating shitkickers.

1. They bought the shoes at a store that has carpet and thus didn't realize that they'd sound like a scraggly baby deer in tap shoes.

2. They bought them on purpose because they think it makes them seem more worldly and european like that meatpile Sasha Vujacic.

The Baron is gravitating towards the latter because the first option doesn't make any sense. Any self respecting male would return those clopping galoshes as soon as he noticed the problem. If The Baron was walking to work and noticed his shoes made him sound like a growler, he'd throw them in the trash and go the rest of the day barefoot and matter-of-factly informing anyone who asked that he's "not a cunt."

So The Baron has basically proven that these assmasters are buying and wearing these shoes on purpose and so instilling shame and vomitous rage in their fellow men. They don't seem to realize that wanting to be "more european" is the same thing as wanting your wang and testes to rot off and leave a stinking, mangled excuse for a vag in their place.

So do the right thing if you encounter one of these shitfucks and push them in front of a train.