Why Don't Hot Girls Excel at Sports Like They Excel at Satisfying The Baron Groupwise: Or, why are All the Girls in SI's Faces in the Crowd Pigs?

If you subscribe to Sports Illustrated you probably dance around the mailbox in breathless anticipation of each new installment, bursting at the seams with a whole week's worth of sports entertainment and condescending editorials rife with grandstanding and idolatry.

If you're like The Baron you only notice the next issue has arrived when there's something new to read in the shitter. The Baron ignores most of the magazine, instead flipping right to "Faces in the Crowd" in the fleeting hope that a hot girl will be among the honored few.

But The Baron is a modern day Don Quixote in this sense, hoping in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary that beauty will grace but one row of this depressing column of homeliness.

For you see gentle reader, the odds of finding a hot, female visage in Faces in the Crowd is about the same as being struck by lightning while getting helicoptered Terry-Tate-style by two great white sharks.

This is utterly baffling to The Baron because hot women regularly succeed in fields such as getting other people to do their work and establishing a series of doomed relationships with cardboard douchetards culminating in a torturous marriage with no chance of escape and 2.5 dysfunctional cumrag children destined to detract from humanity's achievements.

The Baron has a faint inkling that at some time in his distant past, perhaps during an epic bowel movement, he caught a fleeting glance of Venus in the pages of SI before passing out from the G forces, but he cannot confirm the incident.

Maybe the hottie was real, maybe she was a figment of The Baron's blood deprived brain, the world may never know. Regardless The Baron will keep dumping and hoping that the next time he spreads the pages of SI he'll encounter true beauty and not a sticky, poop sandwich.