10 Childhood Movie Moments That Scarred Me For Life

Today I bring you a list of nine movies I saw as a kid that permanently warped my young mind and turned me into the twisted creature you see today. Some were movies I should never have seen in the first place. However, the bulk of these were children's movies; which begs the question, just what were those shitfucks in Hollywood thinking? Let's see if we can create a few serial killers while we're at it? Who knows. This list ascends in evil power as it moves along.

10) Bambi's Mom Gets Capped: Off the rip, I was apprehensive that something was going to happen to Bambie's foxy mom. After all, how many Disney characters have mothers? Sure enough, with shouts of "run Bambi!" the mother is brutally gunned down in the first 5 minutes of the movie. I'm sure the Disney execs wanted to add a scene where the hunter gutted the carcass and Bambi watched as two hunting dogs fought over the spilled entrails. I loved this movie as a kid, but hated watching the first ten minutes because of this shit. Also, it ruined future Disney movies for me because every time any character had a living mother, I was just waiting for some awful shit to happen to her. The Lion King is a prime example. I was on edge until the very end of the movie just waiting for that sleek lioness to get ganked. When nothing happened I was relieved Relieved until I grew up and realized that Simba's uncle was raping the shit out of her the whole time he was off burning spliffs with that degenerate warthog and sketchy meerkat.

9) Monstro Swallows....Pinocchio: Pinocchio; a pretty good movie about an automaton, his father and his, oh yeah, lack of any mother figure. There's not even a lady cricket for Jiminiy to lay his chirping dick into. The movie moved along benignly from an allegory about pedophile kidnappers and amorous strangers to a warning about the dangers of alcohol complete with children / donkeys drinking actual beer before they turned into asses. It was basically a rocking high school basement party except with 10 years olds doing cask stands. What a great movie! But then old man Gepetto comes to break up the fun and row Pinocchio's hammered ass back to the mainland and guess what? There is a huge fucking sea monster in the form of an asshole whale waiting for them. What the fuck! I thought whales were friendly? As if to prove my kindergarten teacher wrong, the gigantic fucking leviathin swallows them whole. They live in his cavernous belly for a while, eating some of the fish he captures like a raft full of fucking tape worms. They eventually escape, and he chases them for the last 5 minutes of the movie, finally splitting his massive head wide open on the rocks. I can't remember if they show the seagulls vividly pulling at Monstro's lifeless flesh and plucking his eyes out, but if I know Disney, they did.

8) ET drowns in a ditch: ET is one of the most beloved children's movies of all time. The only problem is, it's not a children's movie! Seriously what the fuck. That part where ET extends his neck and stalks around in the field? What the fuck!? I thought he was going to go all Gremlins at any second and start biting and slashing at Eliot and Drew Barrymore, the drunken crack whore (Hey, that rhymes!). Anywho, the part that made me shit my footy pajamas was when ET ran away and drowned in a ditch and then turned all white for some reason. For shit's sake! Is the extraterrestrial a fucking drunk? How do you drown in a ditch? And why the hell did they bring his body back to Elliot's neighborhood? I'll tell you why, so he could see Zombie ET spring up off an operating table and run amok right before they were about to dissect him alive. Good god! I just laid a nutty traffic stripe in my underoos reliving it.

7) The Brave Little Toaster and the Fire Clown: There's nothing about that sentence that doesn't scare the living shit out of me. What's a fire clown you ask? I'll tell you what it's not; a childrens movie character. It's a fucking homicidal clown in a fireman's uniform. It / he appears in a puff of smoke, smiles, and then infroms the toaster to "run" in a raspy voice, all without parting his smiling teeth. I used to try and hide my face during this part of the movie, but I always peeked out of horrified curiosity....and then soaked through my He Man sheets. Oh yeah, guess what else happens in this movie? One of the main characters gets dismembered by a fat man....Oh yeah and also a lamp and an air conditioner and a toaster commit suicide. Basically instead of having wipes between scenes, an appliance you've come to love commits suicide and the story moves on to the next act.

6) Hook: the Rufio Gets Powned Chronicles: Peter Pan is a souless adult, Peter Pan's kids get kidnapped, Peter Pan is Robin Williams, and most disturbing of all, none of Peter Pan's kids look anything like Tiger Lily. What's the matter Pan, couldn't birng yourself to sully the white bloodline...fucking racist. Anyway, for some reason Peter lets these fucking punk kids in Neverland beat the piss out of him and make him their bitch. Rufio is the leader of these roller blading shitbags. I hated the shit out of Rufio for trying to subvert the Pan, and all the rooster crowing in the world couldn't convince me to forgive him. But was I prepared for Rufio to get run through with a rapier? No. Not at that point in my life. I remembered the impaling being a lot more violent than it actually was, but either way, how many kids movies have you seen where a teenager in drag gets stabbed in the heart by an aging pedophile dressed as a pirate?

5) Arachnophobia: Spiders on the Toilet and in the Shower: One magical evening in central Iowa, my mother left me overnight with my cousins and uncle while she went to a wedding. This was not one of those funny uncles you hear about on dateline, this was one of those awesome uncles that lets you do whatever you want and eat a bunch of shit and watch movies all night. Some of my cousins were early teens at the time, so we needed a broad array of appropriate films. My uncle went to the video store to get some VHS's and came back with two sure fire crowd pleasers. Arachnophobia and Predator. I was so afraid of the fucking spiders in that movie that I had the rectal heeby jeebies from the first second of the movie on (especially when the queen spider sucks that poor sap dry and leaves a bluish zombie in the coffin). The part that warped me for life however, was when there was a spider web on the head of the shower, and aslo a spider behind the toilet. From that day on for roughly 2 years I refused to sit on a turlet for any reason. I would hover like a fucking chick. Also, I wouldn't close my eyes in the shower for like 4 years. To this day, whenever I think about that movie (even with the ridiculously goofy Jeff Daniels in lead...where's Lloyd, Harry?) I'm reminded of the bathroom spider and I fucking look to make sure that there's no web behind the shower head. Once, there was a spider up there and I shit so hard 9 inches of my butthole turned inside out like a sock, that was last year.

4) Predator Makes Human Skin Coat: If you were an uncle and you saw a rapidly spreading dark stain on the carpet where your 8 year old nephew was sitting during Arachnophobia, you'd probably get him some cookies or something to calm him down, right? Not if you're my uncle. Instead he threw on Predator, a movie that I consider to be a gory, badass, shitfest to this day. Well, keep in mind my skin was still crawling with potentially leathal spiders when he plunked in the next movie. And, keep in mind that during the first 5 minutes of Predator there is not a single sentence that is not laced with creative profanity. For example, Jesse Ventura is heard to remark "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots! This stuff'll make you a sexual tyranosaur" when the nervous guy refuses chaw. Also, keep in mind that in the first 10 minutes, Dutch and co. find a tree full of skinned bodies covered with huge fucking vultures. Oh yeah, and they were killed by a fucking ALIEN GHOST!!! If I become a serial killer in later life, I'm blaming my uncle, and that weekend of "children's" movies. Predator kicks copious ass though.

3) Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Who Flattened Doc Brown: Remember who framed Roger Rabbit? I think it was popular in the day. It's about some Italian guy, some alcoholic Italian guy, who hates cartoons, in a world infested with cartoons, because his brother was killed by a fucking CARTOON! Holy shit! I could handle that shit at the tender age of 10, but you know what I couldn't handle? Doc Brown from back to the future murdering a fucking cartoon shoe as it writhed and pleaded for mercy. You know what else I couldn't handle? Chistopher Lloyd being graphically crushed to death by a fucking steam roller as his shrill screams filled the air. Oh yeah, and then, accompanied by eerie springy sounds, his flattened corpse gets up and reinflates itself. Oh yeah, and while it's inflating, it's eyes pop out. You'd better believe there's crazy eyes underneath and he says "Remember me Eddie, when I killed your brother, I talked just, Like THISSSSS!!" But they become friends in the end so it's ok. Just kidding, Eddie dissolves the fucker in cartoon acid while he screams and writhes in agony.

2) An American Tale About a Gigantic Zombie Mouse Robot: Remember the good old days of animated films? A young Jewish mouse comes to America to start a new life.....because fucking Cossack cats storm his village and try to eat him alive. Memories...And is life better in America? You bet, there's the hunger, homelessness, filthy streets, aggressive Italian mice, and oh yeah, more fucking cats. But these mice are smarter than they average cat, and they figure out a way to get rid of the cats forever: by forcing them off the end of a pier with.....wait for it.....a gigantic zombie mouse robot, the Mouse of Minsk. That horrible, colossal rodent still makes my penis leak with terror to this day.

1) Welcome to Fraggle Rock, but Don't Go Near the Lake: Ah fraggle rock, an LSD fueled muppet paradise filled with wondrous sights, friendly residents, dozers making edible sky scrapers and a gigantic, hideous lake monster. Everything is happy, until the other fraggles ostracize Red and she's forced to wander the fringe of puppet society. One day, Red is singing by the lake when a fucking slimy penis sneaks up behind her and loudly blows shit all over her back. She's understandably terrified and flees before it can penetrate her. Later it turns out the monster has a huge hideous face as well. Also, it's always scratching itself like a fucking methhead. I got chills watching the lead up to this scene on youtube. Good god, why the fuck didn't Red bring the marines and some fucking fire back with her? Send that fucking abomination back to hell!!!