Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Baron's 5 Favorite Bikini Shots and How They've Changed His Life

Nigh on 20 years ago, my friends and I found our first porno mag. It was locked inside the cab of a back hoe at a construction site, but we could see it peeking out from under the seat. Thinking quickly, we managed to pick the lock and retrieve the magazine by smashing the windshield with a brick. Immediately my penis began to stir, breaking the chains of boyhood and declaring its intentions to smother itself in whatever was between a woman's legs. If I told my past self what I now know about the Golden triangle, I probably would have thought it was horrifying. That's precisely why The Baron only time travels to the distant future Sextopias and the old west.

Most of the images have been doctored to protect the identity of the woman from suing The Baron

Anywho, let's begin. My number five favorite bikini shot is called the She-Gina. It's what happens when a woman does the Man-Gina pose by crossing one leg in front of the other. It makes the perigee of the snooter region appear to be the vertex of a triangle. Back in the days of Sears catalog weiner wrestling, I assumed that the actual lady parts ended in an acute angle. Of course I now know that there are all sorts of flaps and doo-dads in the nether region and many of them are rounded. A very deceiving, yet alluring pose.The Baron's number four favorite pose is called the Fierce-Growler. It consists of a woman kneeling, legs spread and often times, but not always with her arms above her head, and usually a fierce expression. This pose may display the true dimensions of the growler, but more often than not, the tightness of the snooter hammock makes the undercarriage appear flat and featureless. Still many a woman in this pose has caused my schlong to bust out of my boxers like the hulk.
On to my number 3 favorite bikini pose. I call it Ass-Ahoy. When I turned 14 my favorite lady part changed from the hoots to the ass and I remain a proud assman to this day. The seeds of this change were sown by the fact that this pose is easily observable in public without looking like a sketchbag. In essence, the woman in question is lying on her stomach, sunning her butt in the sun...that's it. Oh yeah, and The Baron is marching up and down the beach with sunglasses on pretending to look at the waves. Also, everyone is fooled by The Baron's deception. A great pose, often with a bonus Peek-A-Boo-Growler-Surprise.Now my number 2 all time favorite bikini shot, the fabled Peek-A-Boo-Growler-Surprise. This pose often exchanges places with my number one all time bikini pose because it features heavily in both ass and implied snooter. In essence the woman is standing straight up feet together, butt majestically thrust out. And what's that peeking through?.....the Fertile Crescent. Alternative interpretations include getting down on all fours in the "Take me The Baron!" position. My oh my don't I love this pose. God damn I wish I wasn't at work...this is brutal. Anyway, this glorious sight is easy to observe in public but only with a carefully selected place to sit, or lie down, like a duck blind on the crowded side of the beach.And finally onto my number one bikini pose. Now many of you may be surprised at this pick because of my self-professed love of ass. Interestingly, as I've grown older, I've come to appreciate adorableness, not as much as ass, but to a significant degree. Therefore I give you the Waterfall/Wave-Surprise. Look at those pictures, look how surprised and or happy they are. Adorable! There's nothing like getting wet while you're already wet to surprise the shit out of you (Again, random boner at this point). I suppose the ultimate pose would be a Waterfall/Wave-Peek-a-Boo-Growler-Surprise but let's be honest, if that shit happened My weiner would explode.
What are these ladies so surprised about you ask? Cold water, tiger, tiger shark......umm tiger-tiger shark perhaps? Welp I'm never going in the ocean/jungle again...

No comments:

Post a Comment