Things I Hate Installation 4: People Who Still Have the Same Email Address / Screename as When they Were 12.

This one makes The Baron's rectum quiver with rage. There are few more assmasterish moves than retaining an ancient screename. It tells people unflattering things about you, things that make you about as cool as a cum-slicked Crocodile Mile (Cockodile Mile anyone?).

1. You think you were cool as a 12 year old, in fact, you're just as cool now.

Examples: NinjaSkillz69, Neo(from the matrix)69, PussyMonger006.9, PopularBandInMiddleSchool69.

Fact: No one was cool as a 12 year old except chicks with huge knocks already somehow. Do you even remember what you did all day as a 12 year old? You sat in a state run children's prison in back-breaking desks for 8 hours a day, trying desperately to peer up the plaid skirt of the girl sitting across the desk circle from you even though you knew full well that the angles were impossible and that all you'd see is a shadow which you'd tell your friends was full on slit with just a little tuft of strawberry blonde pubic hair. Oh yeah, that and ferret women's clothing catalogs out of the mailbox before your mom / sister get their hands on them. 12 year olds are fucking retards!

2. You think you're unique and have a keen sense of irony (as a Sears catalog thieving 12 year old) and you're just as unique and ironic now.

Examples: MobiusRoad, Quiggles (a "q", really?! awesome!), JakeJohannsen (your name is not Jake Johannsen but you have his work shirt from radio shack), Fugue69.

Fact: Chances are you wore cordoroys in middle school, possibly all the way through to college. You also enjoy Vans sneakers and may or may not skateboard. Your notebooks all have that retarded grateful dead skull sticker on them even though you weren't even a rivulet of salty icing on the back of your mother's reeking snooter when that band was cool (actually, they were never cool, but with the amount of drugs people did at the time, they probably could have hit guitars with bags of cats and been just as popular).


Now, a proper screename should evolve over time to reflect your new discoveries, and developing personality. The Baron presents a chronological guide to his previous screenames as an example to all you shitfucks out there.

8 years: dhjk98734: Ah Prodigy, they looked deep into my soul and assigned me a user name based on the order in which I joined.

10 years: fluffyturtle: These were better days, days when I really liked turtles and the internet was populated by nothing but pedophiles and star trek nerds.

12 years: VAGINASAMURAI69: That faithful year we got our hands on a copy of Swank at a contruction site. So many confusing feelings and questions. Questions such as, how many goddamn holes does a lady have, 5?

14 years: GIF1Warrior69: Holy shit! You can get porn on the internet just by talking to child hungry pederasts in sketchy-ass AOL chat rooms, awesome!

15 years: Gentle(But Incredibly Clumsy)Penetrator......69: The year I started talking to females online, and watching grainy postage-stamp sized porn simultaneously.

16 years: GranChorisoSesentaYNueve: Was pretty good at Spanish at this point, still trying to cure my perpetual dry weiner syndrome (PDWS).

17 years: GrandStallionOfBasements69: Who knew alcohol made girls retarded and amorous? Why the hell didn't we figure this out sooner? All those wasted nights!

18 years: CaptainCoitus69: Got a little full of myself at this point, but who wouldn't? I was young, drunk and my weiner was sopping wet. I've never been cooler in my whole life.

19 years: BeirutPlaya69: Holy shit! College might be the best thing ever! It's like a fucking stud farm wtih copious alcohol.....and people pissing in closets, on chairs, computers, beds, shitting in beds, shitting at breakfast, puking in class and lunch and all over your laundry hamper.

21 years: LiquorNinja: What happened to drinking? It used to be fun! Can we still sneak around and run from the cops even though it's legal.

ThePresent: TheProfessional&HireableBaron: Not a very cool screename, I know, but it kind of makes me feel like Bruce Wayne, except if his alter ego loved, liquor, vags, pornography and disgusting Japanese video games.