Video Game Levels That Haunt The Baron to This Day Installation 1: The Baron Concludes a 21 Year Odyssey to Kill Jaw's....4th Cousin

Today The Baron would like to discuss the first in a series of classic video game levels that drove him to the brink of insanity as a child. First on the list is Jaws for NES, the entire fucking game. This game nearly caused The Baron to slit his tiny wrists with a swiss army knife during the summer of 1989.

First off we get the title screen. Pretty fucking awesome, right? Wrong! When I saw this image for the first time in 20 years I almost burst a blood vessel in my brain and a cum vessel in my balls. I've rarely been as frustrated as I was playing this shitfuck of a game at my friend Mike's house. No amount of Mike's mom's grilled cheeses or my jean shorts could soothe the third degree burns Jaws inflicted on my 8 year old brain.
Fairly quickly (these old nintendo games didn't fuck around with a lot of intro) we get a look at the bonny craft we'll be hunting that bastard shark with. Hmmm, looks kind of like a sailboat right? Maybe it's just moored next to the Orca. I think if you squint you can kind of see Quint and that homosexual Hooper somewhere in the background. Ah well lets move on.
Ok, leaving the harbor. Hmm, doesn't really look like Amity island, whatever this is an 8 bit video game after all. But wait, we're still piloting a gay ass sailboat! WTF?! Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!
Hold on do those assmasters at nintendo think I don't remember what the fucking Orca looks like? Do they assume I didn't see Jaws because it was made decades before I was born? Are you shitting me? I can't even swim in a pool without looking behind me because of that mind raping movie. The Orca is a sweet, although tragically wooden boat. It has barrels! It has Quint! It has Chief Brody! There's also this annoying hippy but I refuse to remember his name. Guy should have gotten fucking eaten instead of Quint!
Wait a second, I think I know what's going on. This isn't classic Jaws at all. I've seen the flake of pig cum this game is based on. Is it Jaws 2? No. Jaws 3? No. It's fucking Jaws 4: The Revenge! What the fuck? There's only 2 worse sequels. Jaws 5: Resurface, and Jaws 6: Jaws Goes to College. Oh good god, I think I'm going to be sick.
Well, I've revised the title screen appropriately. These goddamn, sack-titted cheap skates apparently couldn't afford the rights to any of the good, or even not embarrassingly bad Jaws movies. Thank god the other sequels hadn't been made at this point. Good fucking lord did it ever piss me off when I realized I was playing as that cheating whore Mrs. Brody and not the immortal Quint or the even-keeled Chief Brody, or even that cowardly fucknuts Hooper.
Well suppose we should get back to the goddamn game. So this is the gist of it. You sail around the Caribbean running into shit and having to go in the water for some damn reason. There is no rhyme or reason to when your boat hits shit, you just basically sail around in big circles like a complete asshole.
Oh yeah, and when you get in the water there's fucking nothing there except some damn rays and jelly fish. Once in a blue moon, some pissant regular sharks will show up to duke it out. We used to call them baby-jaws when I was 8. The little shits are actually harder to fight than the real Jaws, but they're still complete pussies. Basically the only way you get killed in this game is by getting caught in a moving pick by some piece of shit jellyfish.
For example, here's Mrs. Brody getting face-fucked by a ray. This killed her for some reason even though she was choking down Michael Caine's hog for pretty much the entire movie.
So you've killed an assload of rays and jellyfish, and maybe a few baby-jaws. You've been collecting these fucking shells, crabs and stars for a while now. The crabs make you faster, presumably by making your crotch itch like a mother fucker. The stars give you points, useless, Mario Brothers style points that only anal Japanese kids would care about. The shells let you return to port and get upgrades.

The first one is some useless sonar to let you track Jaws. This thing fucking sucks, if you sit out in the ocean and just wait, Jaws will attack you. There is no hunting involved. You also gain more powerful spears by switching from port to port like an amorous sailor. These actually do help because it is fucking impossible to whittle Jaws down with the level 1 spears. Also when you hit a certain level of points you can get a submarine, but the damn thing is too fast to be useful and ends up making you fly straight into Jaw's gaping mouth or asshole.
Ok, so you finally see that bastard's fin? Don't get dorsal-raped in a shallow harbor. The only place Jaws has a chance of killing you is in shallow water. And no, he won't kill you himself. You can just float on the surface as he passes underneath. That's right, if you're on the surface Jaws can't touch you, unless you're naked. Remember those fucking baby-jaws? Well now is their time to shine because they can actually come all the way up and stick their pointy nose up Mrs. Brody's snootbag.
Ok, so lets say you have Jaws cornered in deep water. Good work. Just keep beating down his life bar like Mrs. Brody beats down Michael Caine's pulsing schlong. It's only a matter of time, and avoiding pissant rays and jellyfish........or is it....
Hey awesome! If you kill too many things while you're fighting the big man you get a bonus scene! Great! Now you can get some extra lives right? Well yeah, but while you're dropping bowling balls on jellyfish from a cesna, Jaws health is regenerating! That sly cockmaster!!!
Ok, so after about 45 minutes you've finally managed to drain Jaw's health. Game over man, game over!! Nope, just kidding, now you have to wound him with some sort of strobe, whatever the hell that is and then attempt to stab him with the bowsprit of your gay ass sailboat. And it's really fucking hard.

We got to this point about 6 times when I was a kid and were never able to time it right. At first we just blew all the strobes right away, but that does jack shit. Then we figured out we were supposed to stab him but the timing is about the same as throwing a dime up a guys butthole while he moons you out of a car doing 40. Needless to say we never killed him. And when you fail, you have to fight Jaws all over again with a full health bar. What a kick in the johnson.
If you miss with the gay strobe, Jaws flashes his bulging toothed shark penis at you, mockingly. That fucking show off!
Flash forward 20 years and I was playing this cock-raping game at work (where else) and I actually managed to thread the needle and kill the shitfuck!!!! AAAAHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHAAAA!!! It only took me a quarter lifetime to beat you down you dolphin raping shitbag! HAHAHAHAHA!
Look at that smug fucker sinking. I could sink better than that you smelly butthole. I'm going to fuck Mrs. Brody too!! Well if she's still alive. Either way, I've officially conquered your scaly ass. The nightmare is over.
Finally we're treated to the setting sun and Mrs. Brody the cum-vacuum flying back to Amity where nothing bad ever happens. For those of you who've actually seen Commando, this is the exact same ending. I've never felt prouder to have killed someone's 4th cousin.