Friday, June 5, 2009

5 reasons I will never pay to see Terminator Salvation based solely on the trailer

I'm a huge fan of the terminator franchise of movies. And by franchise I mean, T1 and T2. As far as I'm concerned that squashed fetus of a film Rise of the Machines never fucking happened. If you're any kind of fan, you'll agree with me, and if you don't you're a shit eating fellationist (spelling?).

Now, I became rather excited about T4 when I heard that not only was Christian Bale going to be involved, but the legendary James Cameron was consulting. My enthusiasm was quickly deflated by 5 key pieces of information that I gleaned solely by watching the trailers.

1. The name: Salvation. Salvation? Are you fucking kidding me?! The popularity of that word sprang violently from the sopping vagina of the X-TREME! craze and the straight to DVD animated movie cum-pile. Godddamn it! Were they trying to be cool? What the fucking shit! Why not just pick some other overused catch word. T4: Requiem, T4: Revolution (I'd bet my wrinkly sack T5 will be named Revolution.), T4: Paradigm Shift.....Shoot me in my asshole.

Oh and another thing, since when do all movies need to have multiple titles? This horse shit trend has got to stop. They're not charging for tickets based on how many words are in the fucking title! And if they were Master and Commander: And Adventures in a Really Long Movie About a Ton of Bullshit, would have grossed a trillion dollars even though nobody saw it.

2. The director of Charlie's Angels: Piss in my eye. No, piss up my dick hole. Better yet stick a flaming needle through my wang. How did they pick this shitheel? Are they trying to butt-fuck my childhood and every movie I hold dear? Seriously, I'm beginning to think that I fell into a coma in the early 2000's and some butthole doctor has my brain hooked up to a computer trying to shock me back to the real world with ever more obnoxious and illogical events.

We're making a movie with Shaq (not that out of the ordinary I guess),

We're making a Garfield movie (not sure why cause it's not funny, but ok)

There's going to be a terminator sequel where Arnold says "Talk to the hand in Elton John fag glasses (Ok, now I'm beginning to question reality and my sanity).

The matrix sequels are going to make you want to end your life (Is my whole existence fake?)

The 4th Terminator movie is going to be directed by the same guy who made your least favorite movie in history, Charlie's Girl Power, no tits, and no plot (Fucking no! This isn't Real!!!! I want to die!!!).

And McG are you joking!? The happiest I've been in the last few days is when I heard that Bill Murray headbutt McG during an argument. God I wish it had been fatal.

3. A hard R is somehow now PG13: If you know me, then you're familiar with my rant that there has never been a good PG movie. PG-13 maybe once in a blue moon. But shit in my face, PG-13 for a fucking terminator film?! I'd rather watch a movie that was nothing but Arnold's balloon knot as opposed to this pansy-assed, watered down shit. PG-13 just means that the movie used to be good and then some goat-raping cum bucket of a studio exec decided to target an audience (teenagers, are you kidding?) that has never seen the original films and completely ignore a pre-existing and now rich fan base. Goddamn it! First the Simpsons and now this bullshit. Just kill me.

4+5. Bullets kill terminators and No goddamn lasers: I remember a future past, 1984 and then 1991, when a pissant little piece of lead couldn't kill a terminator. Hell a fucking exploding fuel truck couldn't kill a terminator. And now, in the first 5 seconds of this piece of shit trailer I see a t-800 get fucking capped by an assualt rifle! I feel like someone just roughly crammed their ballsack into my mouth while I was gasping for air. This is such an eggregious insult that I may have to simmer, impotently, and tell anyone who will listen that bullets smaller than fucking enormous caliber, cannot kill a terminator!

You know what can though? Fucking lasers. And fucking plasma! These things were practically invented for killing machines. Fuck this "we haven't invented military lasers shit!" I don't give a flying fuck whether we don't ever invent weaponized lasers, I want fucking lasers in my fucking future wars! I'm willing to suspend disbelief!!!!!

You ever seen The Thing? The one with Kurt Russel? The one that kicked my balls around the block and then stuck its fist up my brain's ass? In that movie a bunch of Antarctic scientists work in a research station with no fewer than 4 flamethrowers! Do you know how long it took me to stop wondering why they had 4 flamethrowers? About as fucking long as it's going to take me to spray the ladies room toilet with the burrito paste I've been storing in my colon for the last 8 hours. Who cares if it doesn't make sense, it's fucking awesome!

Go fuck yourself McG. You killed my favorite franchise and I hope you get raped to death by a bear.

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