Anyway, today The Baron would like to detail the results of his exhaustive research into homeless evolution in the hopes that you, the reader, will gain valuable insight into the complex world of the destitute.
The most common sequence of events begins with the common scumbag. Many of you are probably friends with one of these detestable creatures. They mooch, eat all your food, often piss all over the seat and are generally useless. Late in their tenure as scumbags, their friends move on to better jobs, marriage, families, &c. As a result, the scumbag loses vital sources of income, nourishment and shelter and so is left with two options. Get a life, or become a drifter.
1. The Drifter: The earliest stage in homeless evolution. A mildly aggressive, mildly smelly individual with largely intact memories of its past. The drifter is not averse to short term employment and can generally be found at U-Haul propane fill stations, Walmarts and Home Depots. Drifters never stick around for long as their main source of shelter and food, friends from other towns, will eventually kick them out, perhaps after they soil the couch with a filthy tryst with some lady drifter. Now we'll rate some of their attributes, 10 being the most intense, 1 the least.
Public Revulsion: 3
Aggressiveness: 4
Employableness: 8
Stink: 3
Dangerousness: 0
Habitat: Couches, floors, guest room beds.
Diet: Easy mac, day old unrefrigerated pizza, disgusting pasta dishes
Next evolutionary step: Transient
Reversion to human possible: Yes
Life expectancy: 18-30 years beyond Drifterhood.
Mortality: Acute alcohol intoxication, accidents
2. The Transient: The next evolutionary step of a drifter. The individual has now passed its sexual prime and is considered too old for this shit in its previous social circles. It has been on the road for at least 3 years. By now it has found reliable food sources within its vast range and may employ a piece of shit car or van for transportation and housing. Although the stink has increased considerably due to lack of access to friend's showers, the transient is still able to find work from time to time. It will never stay put for longer than a month due to increased law enforcement scrutiny. The transient has lost all ties with it's previous friends and is beginning to lose memories of its previous life. Slightly more aggressive than a drifter, especially when defending its vehicle.
Public Revulsion: 5
Aggressiveness: 5
Employableness: 7
Stink: 4
Dangerousness: 2
Habitat: Shitbox vans and cars, unguarded garages, malls.
Diet: Canned goods, beans especially, recently discarded coffee, and sandwiches
Next evolutionary step: Bum
Reversion to human possible: Yes
Life expectancy: 10-15 years beyond Transienthood
Mortality: Acute alcohol intoxication, accidental shooting during trespass.
3. The Bum: The tertiary stage of homeless evolution, the bum is a largely sedentary, mildly aggressive and extremely stinky species. Gone is the wanderlust of its transient days as well as memories of its past. The bum has identified a safe territory with plenty of food, and recyclable goods and is thus very content. The precipitating factor in bumhood is usually the loss, impoundment or destruction of the sketchy car or van. The bum is too lazy to walk long distances and so confines its ramblings to a defined home territory. This is the classic homeless evolutionary step with which all are abundantly familiar. Bums congregate at busy public spaces loudly demanded change, often they will accept liquor or food, but most prefer to make that choice themselves. Some are highly religious, shouting to the heavens in their fervor. The bum can be found in every major city often in dense populations and will no longer accept work of any kind. The first irreversible step of homeless evolution.
Public Revulsion: 7
Aggressiveness: 2
Employableness: 4
Stink: 8
Dangerousness: 4
Habitat: Train stations, shanty towns, under bridges and overpasses.
Diet: Liquor, canned goods, high calorie snacks, change
Next evolutionary step: Hobo
Reversion to human possible: No
Life expectancy: 6-8 years beyond Bumhood
Mortality: Acute alcohol intoxication, beating, exposure, hobo stabbing
4. The Hobo: An increasingly rare evolutionary step because of the difficulty involved in the transition. The largely sedentary bum commonly dies within its home territory without ever ranging more than 2 miles in a day. A rare sub-population of bum regains the wanderlust instinct that drove them into drifterhood in the first place. Over a series of months, these Hobums regain their strength with copious pacing, yelling and throwing themselves down in traffic. On the first full moon of the second month of hobumitude, the young hobo emerges from its cocoon of cardboard and newspaper as a wiry, highly aggressive individual with incredible stamina. The stink has diminished slightly due to the hobo's brazen use of fast food restrooms. Bums beware, a hatchling hobo has a highly developed stabbing instinct and will often kill off its litter mates before departing for the train yard. Hobos travel exclusively by rail, carrying only a bindle of utensils, and a trusty shank for dispatching rubes. Hobos are highly dangerous and not to be crossed by normal individuals. Life expectancy is also increased due to prolonged, feverish exercise (from stabbing).
Public Revulsion: 6
Aggressiveness: 8
Employableness: 4
Stink: 6
Dangerousness: 7
Habitat: Boxcars, shanty towns, abandoned barns, switchyards
Diet: Liquor, canned beans, canned peaches
Next evolutionary step: Tramp
Reversion to human possible: No
Life expectancy: 12-20 years beyond Hobohood
Mortality: Acute alcohol intoxication, stabbing, exposure.
5. The Tramp: An even rarer subset of homeless is the tramp. Evolved from the scarce older hobo, the tramp is at least 50 years old. This is the 1930's style roving rogue type homeless individual and it can be quite engaging and charming. Often it carries the classic bindle and may be allowed to ride in boxcars voluntarily rather than having to jump on at a slow turn. Can be seen spinning tales to rapt hobos about a barrel fire in the few remaining shanty towns. The tramp is universally liked among the homeless and its life is in less danger than the previous categories. But, this security is not born of respect, but of fear. Tramps are expert knife fighters and often accomplished amateur boxers. The moment a tramp is crossed its folksy exterior recedes and a fierce, scrappy warrior emerges. Tramps are not to be insulted under any circumstances. Highly proficient and creative profanity is to be expected.
Public Revulsion: 4
Aggressiveness: 9
Employableness: 2
Stink: 5
Dangerousness:8
Habitat: Boxcars, shanty towns, abandoned barns, switchyards
Diet: Liquor, canned beans, canned peaches, cigars.
Next evolutionary step: Super Tramp
Reversion to human possible: No
Life expectancy: 10-15 years beyond Tramphood
Mortality: Acute alcohol intoxication, exposure, boxing.
6. The Super Tramp: An almost legendary homeless individual. There is only one born in every generation of the homeless life cycle. Extremely hardy, extremely charismatic, extremely aggressive and extremely dangerous. These odorless fiends are the ninja of the homeless family tree. Never under any circumstances should an individual even glance at a super tramp, or for that matter its bindle. No person has ever survived a super tramp attack. They are the best of the best, strong as a chimp, swift as a horse, impossible to stop. The Baron once fought a super tramp to a stalemate in a oyster shucking factory in the 1930's and he feels lucky to have survived.
Public Revulsion: 0
Aggressiveness: 10
Employableness: 0
Stink: 0
Dangerousness: 10
Habitat: Luxury boxcars / wherever they want
Diet: Liquor and lots of it.
Next evolutionary step: Punching God in the dick
Reversion to human possible: No
Life expectancy: Immortal
Mortality: The end of space-time
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