Today The Baron is pleased to introduce two of his best friends, the ghosts of presidents Teddy Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson. They’ve graciously agreed to a repeating segment, Ted and Andy’s Infernal Magic Picture Review. Today this pair of jokers will be reviewing one of the all time classic 80’s action movies, Commando. Starring The Arnold and jailbait Alyssa Milano (and by jail bait I mean she’s like 10 in the movie, so yeah, I’m going to jail).
Andy: I wish I wasn’t so intoxicated, this is most baffling.
Ted: I gather this is some form of entertainment. I’ll keep my long rifle close at hand just in case.
Andy: If the milk sours, I shall be ready to cane that blasted box to smithereens.
Ted: Alright let’s begin. The infernal magic picture we’ll be reviewing today is a classic from the future somehow. It is anchored by a burly Prussian of questionable character and a small, sickly girl.
Andy: Also there is a woman of mixed race who serves the role of shrew and mistress.
Ted: Examining the placard we can see the large Prussian fellow in some sort of short safari vest. He appears incensed, an emotion I’m quite familiar with.
Andy: Next the man appears to be carrying a tree. I’m puzzled as to why he would do this work himself. Where are his dozens of children and indentured servants?
Ted: Perhaps he enjoys roughing it. I can appreciate his motives. While president, I was on safari for several months, living in the bush with only hundreds of attendants, thousands of gallons of beer and dozens of rifles.
Andy: If I wanted to rough it I would sit on the white house lawn with only one flagon of whiskey.
Ted: Regardless, ruffians of some sort appear to kidnap the man’s daughter. This is obviously a simple matter of ransom which the giant, as a landowner must be able to afford.
Andy: The corsairs leave a behind an emissary and flee to the West Indies. Rather than negotiate with this despicable buccaneer, the protagonist ruptures his cranium with some manner of blunderbuss, whilst informing the pirate that he is and I quote “wrong.” Most amusing.
Ted: Indeed, an admirable response.
Andy: Next the cowardly pirates capture the Germanic fellow and inform him that he must accompany them to the Carib Sea arriving in 10 hours. This is preposterous, everyone knows clippers from Florida to the Spanish Lake take upwards of 3 days for proper passage. This arrangement seems most unfair as his captors should know full well the voyage is impossible.
Ted: Indeed, the situation is most desperate and it appears the man will have to give up and sire another daughter or preferably son. Just when all seems lost, they force the Prussian onto a kind of flying barge with a foppish gentleman of some rank. They show no alarm boarding the preposterous, magical craft and within seconds, the large European fellow has savagely attacked and disposed of the courtier with a roughly delivered spinal contusion. 
Andy: Ah yes, quite a sound rogering. The man then informs the Air Shrew “Don’t disturb him, he’s dead tired.” Ha! Highly dubious!
Ted: The burly customer disembarks the air boat by jumping into a mire. His ruddy Prussian constitution allows him to survive the fall of several dozen fathoms. Soon he has caught up with a second sniveling courtier in a grand indoor market. The man is attempting to arrange nuptials with a curly wench when our rough customer interrupts. The coward flees and the Hessian must pursue him.
Andy: For some blasted reason the shrew accompanies the protagonist even though he has every right to commandeer her automated carriage as a gentleman and plantation owner. Her motivation is obviously to extort money from the poor fellow. A chase ensues. So confusing was the cavalcade of horseless conveyance that I needed several nips of whiskey for courage.
Ted: Finally the large fellow captures the cowardly fop and dangles him from the edge of a precipice. The yellow bellied nancy-lad pleads for his miserable life. Just then the Prussian queries the hanging fellow “Remember when I said I’d kill you last? I lied!” And then he drops the cretin to be dashed on the rocks below! Ha! Ha!
Andy: At some point the shrew and barbarian arrive at an inn. A most rude character is ensconced in a lower room.
Ted: Ah indeed. This saucy fellow curses the Prussian soundly, to which the Prussian returns with an equal epithet. Promptly, he proceeds to beat the rude gentleman about the ears and eventually impales the unfortunate customer. The man was obviously deserving however.
Andy: In the preceding scenes some utterly dull conversation consumes the protagonist and his whore. The Prussian is captured while robbing a powder depot. Eventually she frees him from the constabulatory with an exploding tongue of flame. Evidently the concubine is also a sorceress. Regardless, the pair arrives at port and the burly customer requisitions a second, miraculous flying boat by caving in the skull of some unawares buccaneer. I was reminded of the would be assassin I beat half to death on the steps of the Capitol. Most amusing.
Ted: After a baffling scene of utmost preposterousness, consuming only several turns of the minute hand, the flying barc arrives in the West Indies by some sort of cursed magic. The Hessian debarks armed forthwith to the teeth with many a handsome rifle.
Andy: With his compact Gatling-type cannon the protagonist slays upwards of 5 score militiamen. I laughed uncontrollably during this act.
Ted: I too was highly entertained by his enviable marksmanship and rifle skill. After dispatching an entire detachment of Spaniards the Prussian gains the fort and executes the local governor in most violent fashion. His daughter must be somewhere in the bowels of the fort.
Andy: True to form the dastardly character Bennet, who was featured lightly in the previous acts has captured the Hessian's daughter and will surely slash her throat without the prompt surrender of her father.
Ted: The brave giant lowers his repeating pistola and the flabby, chain-mailed man releases the young girl. As gentleman, the two battle heavily and many a great blow is landed. When victory seems sure, the dastardly coward Bennet regains his auto-rifle and attempts to perforate our hero. Thinking quickly the Hessian liberates a length of pipe from the wall and runs the yellow bastard through his gizzard, the pipe piercing a boiler. The Hessian is heard to say "Let off some steam Bennet!" HaHa! 
Andy: The effect is most satisfying, as if an engineer was sounding a steam horn. Ha!
Ted: The Prussian, young girl and miscellaneous whore are rejoined by a contingent of flying carriages. They share brief, disrespectful words with the sky-admiral during which the Prussian refers jokingly to the quagmire of flame and corpses left in his terrible wake. The trio board their fantastical flying contraption and depart. No doubt they pick up a load of molasses for the return trip to the states. The cargo will be sold at great profit in the Carolinas or Boston.
Ted: Agreed. I have seldom seen such a courageous Rhinelander. HaHa!
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