Friday, June 5, 2009

Cats are assholes

I know what you're thinking.

"Everyone already knows cats are assholes."

Well you know what? You're right. But you're also an elephant scrotum because I don't think you know how much of an asshole a cat can be.

Say you're enjoying a chicken dinner and the cat wants some. Does she ask politely in slightly accented Victorian English, like a lady? You bet your urethra she doesn't. She jumps in your fucking lap, claws digging deeply into the enormous phallus beneath (if you're me) and tries to take the fucking chicken off your plate. What the fuck!

My dog would be so ashamed he would commit seppuku if he even saw my cunt of a cat trying to steal food (Figure 1).

Cats are assholes born and bred. They're like those arrogant, British officers in war movies who want to hang every damn person, whether they be the Last of the Mohecans, a Patriot, or a saucy Pirate of the Caribbean. Cats have an elevated sense of self worth that seems hard wired into their peanut sized brains (Figure 2).

I on the other hand hold a much dimmer view of my cat. I think she's a stinky butthole and should stay the fuck out of my goddamn chicken! As such I have trouble picturing her in a favorable light (Figure 3).

Ah shit, wrong image, sorry. Completely unrelated. I on the other hand have a much less glorious view of my cat and her exploits (Figure 4).

I'm going to jail right?

2 comments:

  1. Ok, I'll bite and be the first brave soul to comment on one of your most magniferous posts (yes, a new vocabulary will have to be developed to accurately convey the splendficent nature of your prose). Lou, if they haven't already sent you to jail as the Craig's List killer I think you're in the clear.

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  2. I'm just glad they caught the real killer....[tenting fingers].

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