Things I Hate Installation 1: People Dragging Their Feet When Walking Behind Me

It's time for the first of what will become a serial (yes just like the killers, but also like Boo Berry) installment.

Things I Hate

Dateline: Any Fucking Morning this week

Location: Some godforsaken stretch of sidewalk

Situation: A boner-horking jizz pile is walking behind me. He's dragging his feet. I can hear the scrapes. It's pissing me off. I want him to die.

Summary: I consider myself a fast, aggressive, and sexy walker. I wear sneakers, the better to sneak with. I walk fast because I hate people. And I mean all people. Unless a wet orifice of theirs is attempting to hide my schlong, and they're not a dude, and they're not fat (and even then I'll probably bust in their hair, or eyes out of spite).

On a typical day, there are no problems, if by no I mean several, and if by problems, I mean people I want to donkey stomp until they shit their pants (Figure 1. Courtesy of Get Tough). I zoom along, wang swinging ponderously between my sculpted calves (sometimes it drags a bit). I pass by businessmen, fat ladies and hobo's with equal disdain. Before they can open their feed holes, I'm around the corner, leaving behind me a thin cloud of fragrant dust that makes chicks soak through their panties when they smell it. (I got half a stiffy from writing that for some reason).

But something is wrong. My douchetard sense is blaring. Some ignorant, mouth-breathing meat pile is holding steady 10 feet behind me. And their FUCKING FEET ARE SCRAPING!

Are they tailgating me for some fucking reason? Why the shit can't they lift their bloated hocks off the ground far enough to keep from dragging??!!

It took me a while to figure out why this pisses me off so much but I finally had an epiphany. It's Becauase they are fucking lazy shits just like every other asshole on the steet!

They want to walk fast like me -the glowing Adonis of swift constituionals- but they're too fucking lazy to put the proper effort into it.

Soporific cunt-rags piss me off. It's like assholes cutting corners in their cars (for a later installment) or the piss flakes crowding around the doors on trains like the pathetic, stinky sheep that they are.

Why do you think we don't have flying cars and flying toasters and sexy robots and fucking lasers (I mean actual, awesome, deadly lasers and also lasers that physically fuck people with laser dicks)!? Becuase lazy assholes like this can't be bothered to lift their feet, or stop at red lights or demand some fucking hover bikes!

As usual, the solution to the problem is bears. Numerous, amorous bears.