There are few games that have had as searing an impact on The Baron's young psyche as Super Mario World for the immortal Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Name a region of the game map and within microseconds it will be playing in The Baron's head.
The Baron's not talking about just the tune either, he's talking about the complete fucking song note for note without any distortion. The Baron can even recall the exact timing for all the various bings when you advance from level to level within a region.
This morning on The Baron's commute the Donut Plains theme began blasting in his head. Completely fucking randomly. Then of course the ghost house tune kicked in because that fucking haunted castle is one of the biggest assmasters in the entire game.
The young The Baron vividly remembers slamming his face through a neighbor's plate glass table when he wasn't even playing the level, he was just sitting there watching some else slog through that shitmire. This ghost house was designed by Satan's official scrotum washer. There is no other explanation for how devious the fucking thing is.
Consider this, you've literally just bought an SNES. It comes with Super Mario World. The game kicks ass! Look at those textures! Look at those koopas! Look at how you donkey punch Yoshi and he swallows things..........look at it!!
You've been cruising though the game and every second of play is literally the best thing you've ever seen in your entire miserable life. There is no expansive vag filled internet and you wouldn't care if there was, becuase you're ten and your weiner / vag is tiny and useless and really only serves a comedic purpose at this point in your life.
Then you hit a titanium road block. Donut Plains Ghost House.
Seems simple enough. In fact it's exactly what it says it is, a house full of ghosts and shit. But you can't beat the fucking thing no matter how hard you throw the controller and your friend's sister's cat.
Now, the adult The Baron finds the solution simple and elegant. The child The Baron was ready to jam his head into the rotating fly wheel of an industrial loom out of frustration at this twatslap of a level.
It took the best minds of The Baron's time, his three friends (one of whom got publicly spanked by a construction worker the same week he got SNES because his mom kicked us outside and we filled the guy's bulldozer with dogshit while he was at lunch, only he was faster than he looked and he chased poor Stevie down and spanked him in the street while we laughed so hard we soiled our ninja turtle underoos) to crack the secret of this diabolical titpile.
You see, it's a classic bait and switch. Mario wants to run across this first room because the ceiling is full of fucking ghosts taking pot shots at his portly ass. Luckily there's a door at the end of the room and he can escape to safety.
The next room just so happens to contain a bunch of coward of ghosts. Sallow motherfuckers who for some reason will only attack you from behind. As long as you stare into their bloated visage they cover their sagging eyes in shame. As soon as you turn your back, the assmasters start chasing the shit out of you.But Wait! There's a door! Beautiful door D! Did I mention you can't see door C because it's off screen? Well its off the fucking screen so like the an overflowing bucket of pig bust you waddle over to door D and pop on through.
"Oh good! I'm trapped under the stairs" you might say. No matter I'll just punch this yellow thing with eyes and get a POW for my troubles. Smashing the POW makes this mysterious blue door appear! I think I'll go through there!
Aww awesome!! A green life giving mushroom in a yellow box! I must be getting near the end now, right? Surely door F won't piss in my face and the face of every person I've ever cared about.
What the fuck! I'm back in this shithole room? This is cock-vomit!! I've already been in this goddamn shitforsaken place! Goddamnit! I guess I'll just head through door D again....
Ok, this time I'm going through that damn door G and the ghost door can suck a crack! Hahaha! I've thwarted you ghost house!
Crapmaster! Here again!! Now I'm under the stairs like some pathetic orphan. This is getting ridiculous. I'll just hit this yellow thing and make a vine and get back up to door D.....and end up in a perpetual loop, trapped forever just like in the Hotel California. An endless tragic voyage through frustration. But what if I climb this cockmaster of a vine a little higher? Oh, my god a different door!! Door C. My prayers have been answered!
I've escaped this piece of shit ghost house at last! But wait...this only opens part of the path I want to use! How am I supposed to save the princess from getting gang raped by Bowser if I can't even get to him...?
You get the idea.
So after 2 weeks of beating his tiny brain against the wall, the child The Baron finally discovered the solution on the day he was going to fill a bulldozer with bull semen and hope the operator beat him to death.Remember this goddamn room? Come back in here with a cape and fly up the left wall. Hmmm, there's some sort of platform up here. Where could it lead....?
Door A.....hmmmm it's just crazy enough to work. And where does it lead you?
Huh, a course clear. A fucking course clear that opens up the right goddamn path!!! Are you kidding me?! The Baron and his friends time this path one time, do you know how long it took?
8 Fucking seconds.
The Baron is ready to run outside and slap a bear cub in front of its mother just thinking about it.
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