Liquor Showdown: Captain Morgan Vs Admiral Nelson

It’s time for a liquor face off between two of the giants in getting young adults pants shitingly housed. In the red corner, the venerable, and always courageous, Captain Morgan. A high seas legend world renowned for his spiced rum, his daring facial hair and his epic posing ability.

In the blue corner, Admiral Nelson. An admiral is better than a Captain right? Well that’s not fair. So right off the bat he’s trying to one up our Caribbean hero. Anyway, the Admiral produces a similar, but cheaper spiced rum with equally potent pants shitting capabilities.

The internet literally abounds with excellent pictures of the captain standing watch over a barrel of rum, like a hero. The Admiral on the other hand, is a difficult man to find. What are you hiding Nelson?

Anyways, let’s delve into the stats.

Category	Captain Morgan	Admiral Nelson
Makes drinkable rum?	Yes	Yes
Rum makes you drunk?	Yes	Yes
Beard?	No	Yes
Flamboyantly awesome moustache?	Yes	No
Ass Kicking Goatee?	Yes	No
Sword?	Yes	Yes (gold? Really?)
Cape?	Yes	Yes
Pistols?	Yes	No
Jaunty Pose	Yes	Maybe
Drinking on Label?	No	Yes
Has led directly to me touching Vag / Hoots?	Yes	Yes
Forcibly ejected in woods / toilet/ alley?	Yes	Yes
Has gotten me sent to medical tent at concert?	No	Yes
Has forced me to jump fence at medical tent at concert to avoid being arrested?	No	Yes
Has led to me listening to concert from sidewalk outside, in a collared shirt, soaked in puke, sitting on curb with driver’s license in my lap because the fucking cops keep asking for my ID every 5 minutes and never seem to notice that I’m nowhere near 21?	No	Yes
Has led me to ask a cop to help me force my girlfriend into a cab after a concert?	No	Yes
Has caused me to forget that my girlfriend was in the cab until after I’ve gotten on the train, taken a 45 minute ride and gotten in my car, as if I could even drive it?	No	Yes
Has caused me to get back on the train to look for my girlfriend, only to pass out until I’ve gone by the correct station and gotten off at a ghetto stop where I ask literally hundreds of strangers if they’ve seen a drunk Irish girl….while wearing a collared shirt soaked in puke?	No	Yes
Has caused me to give up and head back to my car, where I call a friend to come pick me up and explain to him as if it were the most sensible thing in the world that it’s ok my girlfriend is still somewhere in the city, shitfaced and by herself at 3 in the morning because I’ll just call all the police stations and hospitals in the morning?	No	Yes
Rollicking hangover?	Yes	Yes

In order to get to the bottom of this rum conundrum I decided to have a look at the actual men who inspired these delightful libations.

Ok, so Captain Morgan, aka Henry Morgan was an infamous Welsh privateer in the west indies with many successful campaigns / plundering adventures. He did indeed have an awesome moustache in real life, a curly one. It is debatable whether he wore a cape. Now the important thing, how did he die?

Sword fight, parrot attack, blunderbuss to the dick?

Dropsie? What the fuck is dropsie?

Oh wait, there’s more…..

”It is also possible that he may have had liver failure due to his heavy drinking. He is buried in Palisadoes cemetery, which sank beneath the sea after the 1692 earthquake” (courtesy of Wikipedia).

Wow! His death alone makes me look like a fucking pussy! His balls were so heavy that the Earth literally sank beneath them even after he was dead. Holy shit! A real man’s man.

Now on to the Admiral. British eh? Remember our talk about British officers always wanting to hang every damn person no matter what, and how they are despicable pieces of shit? Well Horatio Nelson is an actual British officer. He probably hanged his first mate for sneezing at dinner. And the rugged, fuck you beard? Nowhere to be seen in his official portrait. Hmmmmm.

Now, because I respect liquor so much, I hesitate to tell you how he died. He had many successful military campaigns in life. And, he may have been haunted by the ghost of Captain Morgan while in the West Indies, but he died one of the most ignoble deaths I’ve ever heard of in my entire drunken life. Your own mother would shit her pants with rage if you died like this.

“Nelson was hit by a French sniper and mortally wounded.” (Courtesy of Wikipedia)

Oh….my….God….

A French sniper? In the fucking 1800’s? Did they even have snipers then? Or was it a lucky shot from some musket wielding peasant with a tiny penis and stinky balls? I may have to revise the admiral’s official portrait.

So which rum should you drink? I think the Admiral’s ignoble death and lack of actual facial hair should answer your question.