The Baron translates spam email to deciper the secret of spamming

Recently I was digging through my spam box looking for unintended comedy when I came upon this gem of a message.

Friend of greetings. Their penis concerns it? I braggart trustworthily a member blown up, around which Vagina fulfill. The answer can itself pulls blister dogs. They would like that your penis breaks with envy as your friend ' s penis lead with the flame?

I was intrigued, what did this smelly foreigner mean? The sentences were almost in English but just so barely skewed towards gibberish. I attempted to translate, and this was the best I could come up with.

Greetings friend! Does your penis concern you? I the braggart will erect your member in a trustworthy fashion which will fill Vaginas.

The answer is in dog blisters (?) They would like your penis to break with envy as your friend's penis becomes englufed with flame.

I like the sound of his product. Sure I could chafe and pop my own dog blisters onto my junk but that would be a lot of hard work. This man must be a millionaire. But why should he be a millionaire when I still eat hot dogs out of folded slices of bread? I decided to create my own spam email to sell a product any woman would want.

Vaginae. Sure every woman has one. But is every woman's vagina as tight as a closed canyon?

Certainly not. Here's a foolproof way to keep vaginae from becoming cavernous and foul smelling. Beaver be gone beaver tightening ointment.

Use it and clench!

Some how it just doesn't sound right does it. There's too much telling the customer what they're going to get and not enough meaningless flimshaw. I can do better though. Perhaps if I used the intertubes to convert the message to arabic?

المهبل. متأكد من كل امرأة واحدة. ولكن كل مهبل المرأة كما تضيق مغلقة كانيون؟

بالتأكيد لا. فيما يلي مضمون طريقة للحفاظ على المهبل من أن تصبح غائر وقبيح الرائحة. سمور ترحل تشديد سمور مرهم.

وحسم استخدامها

That's a little better. Kind of looks like melted English but I can fix that. I'll just translate it back to our native tongue and the transformation will be complete.

Vagina. Sure each one is a woman. But every woman's vagina as the canyon narrows closed?

Certainly not. The following contents of a way to keep the vagina to become twisted and ugly smell. Samour Samour transferred tighten ointment.

And resolve to use

There, what woman could resist now? I really do have a silver tongue. Time to sit back and watch the Beaver Ointment fly off the shelves.