5 Cars That Only Assholes Drive

When the Baron drives his zeppelin mobile to and from meetings with foreign dignitaries, super models and the ghosts of badass presidents he is constantly accosted by a small handful of vehicles. Below The Baron has compiled a list of 5 cars that only assholes drive. During the examination, stereotypes will be established for each vehicle and The Baron thinks you’ll find them to be 100% accurate as well as clever.

5. The Porsche Cayenne: For someone who’s driving a glorified minivan with the cheapest possible Porsche powertrain and horrible balance, Cayenne drivers are an especially uppity lot. Cayenne owners are the most easily hateable demographic on this list because of two important factors. 1) you have to be a rich asshole to buy a Cayenne, 2) you also have to be a fat, pathetic, white dude to buy a Cayenne. It’s the perfect storm of prickitude.
Now, when you encounter one of these monstrosities on the road it will either be driving at exactly the speed limit in the left lane or dodging in and out of traffic at 95. The former situation is extremely aggravating because it implies the driver is a pussy as well as an asshole. In essence the operator is saying “I’m a huge vagina because I bought an $80,000 car, that is probably fast, but I’m going to hold even with that Geo Metro in the middle lane because I’m a fuck face.” Most often the wife of the fat pathetic white guy is driving the car at this point. Women barely know how to drive as it is.

In the latter situation, the fat white guy is always the driver. Sure, he knows he’s rich, but he didn’t get rich by being stupid. The driver appreciates full well that he’s a bloated vag stain and he wants to change that image. He’ll gun the engine at red lights and zoom around the highway while his Cayenne displays more body roll than an Alabama Popeyes. The soft bastard thinks he’s being cool, but the rest of us can’t help but wonder how he get to be such a stupendous asshole and cockwrangler.

4. BMW 325 circa 1990’s: This is one of The Baron’s most hated assholes of all. The vehicle is always driven by some scrawny penis who can’t afford a real car and so buys the BMW equivalent of a Dodge Neon, used of course. The assholes in these cars may also be hipsters, making them especially despicable. Get ready to be tailgated because 325 owners know their car has a lot…well has a good amount of….rather has an average amount of power, so they’ll zoom up with the engine screaming as if the car is saying “Hey fucknuts! I’m the cheapest possible beamer you can buy. I’m not a real sports car! You got duped into paying a 400% surcharge for a Taurus in a BMW shell. Why do you think I have no resale value? Slow the fuck down!”

These cum garglers will also impulsively clean and accessorize their vehicles. It’s as if they subconsciously realize their car is a cheap piece of shit and so try to dress it up with crystal headlights, racing stripes and a sticker in the windshield that lets everyone know what model of shitbox they drive. You can gauge just how stupid the asshole owner is by the amount of money they’ve spent trying to make their 325 look like not a 325.
3. Recent Model Chevy Impala: Want to know how GM stayed in business until recently? They advertised to the lowest common denominator of car buyer. Mouth breathing, goat-like people who are completely ruled by emotions and nostalgia. When these fucktards heard there was going to be a new Impala, they were overjoyed. After all, the classic Chevy Impala is one of the most revered muscle cars of all time? Therefore, they reasoned, it’s safe to assume that the new Impala will be a tightly tuned, powerful car that’s a joy to drive, and not a ponderous, fiberglass shell plunked onto a Malibu chassis.
And so, the assholes were duped into buying this colossal, automotive crotch stain. It may have taken a few weeks, but eventually, every Impala owner realized that they’d taken a bite of a giant dick sandwich. And guess what? They're pissed! They were assholes to begin with, now that they feel frustrated and betrayed, these dicktards have become the Republican Guard of assholes.

In your lifetime, you will never see a dodo, you will never see great auk, and you will never see an Impala travelling at less than 80 mph. The drivers scream obscenities and tearfully moan through clenched teeth as they cruise the highways in an endless tragic voyage. All the while, they wonder why they spent all the under the mattress money on a piece of shit Impala when they could have bought something worthwhile like an above ground swimming pool, or a fancy BBQ trailer to bring to NASCAR.

2. Pontiac Grand Prix: For once, everything you need to know about an asshole's car is contained in the vehicle’s name itself. Grand Prix, why that just Italian for Great Prick, and that’s what every Grand Prix driver is. A similar demographic to the Impala buyer, the GP owner is slightly more intelligent but only by a hair. They too are run by confusing emotions and flashes of high school glory.

It’s a mystery what drives this plentiful breed of asshole to purchase a Grand Prix. Maybe it’s the superfluous plastic ridges covering the car’s body, maybe it’s the square tailpipe caps, maybe it’s the way the light plays off the retarded double grill and fog lights. Who knows. What is clear is that Pontiac has designed a car for elite assholes. The drivers of these vehicles are pissed off about their shitty lives and relieve their rage by gaining imaginary superiority over normal drivers with absurdly close tailgating, high speed maneuvering and no turn signal usage. An highly polished asshole indeed.

1.Volkswagon Golf Impotent Hipster Package: Few cars piss The Baron off as much as the VW Golf IHP. Invariably the car will be white with red and black trim….or black with red and white trim. It will always be a standard transmission because hipster VW owners like to pretend they’re driving in a formula one race. No, not a NASCAR race, the gay kind. The only way this car could be more appropriate for a conceited hippy is if there was some sort of integrated ipod feature. Oh wait, there is.
You will never see this car before you hear it. The douchebag driver prefers to keep the car in low gear and high revs so they can further the perception that they are somehow cool, or at the very least that they are a better driver than a blind woman. The illusion ends there however, because there is no such thing as a beatnik who is also a good driver.

There will be plentiful tailgating and accelerating into corners because the manual transmission makes a mactard feel invincible. For some reason these pussies love to drive with two feet even though they can’t find their dick with both hands. All Golf owners will profess an interest in rally racing at some point in the future although they will end up working soul sucking jobs in tech or communications, releasing their aggressions upon real drivers, in real cars during the evening commute. The Baron dubs Golf drivers as honorary members of the Sasha Vujacic Gigantic Pussy Hall of Fame.